Page 72 of Expressionate
“Keep doing that, Tax,” Blake says from the door. “Don’t stop, no matter what.” Like I would even consider it. One. Two. Three.Breathe.
The ambulance arrives. EMTs walk in and are shocked when they find me still pumping on her chest and giving her my breath. They bend down and check her faint pulse. It’s so slow. I can feel how cold she is when our lips touch. I beg her not to give up. Please, forme.
They lift her onto a stretcher and I climb on top, pumping on her chest and breathing into her mouth. Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. Someone calls out that they found sleeping pills on the bathroom counter. Suicide? No, she wouldn’t. But I know she would. I’ve been there, I’ve tried it. I was too wimpy to go through with it. And I don’t care if it makes me a wimp now, but there is no way in hell that she’s going to leave me likethis.
We get to the hospital and I trust that Cross and Blake will look after Ally. I’m too broken right now, shattering into millions of pieces even as I pump up and down on Love’s chest. Tears blur my vision. They’re telling me to let up. To get off the stretcher. They need to move her. But what if she dies? What if I stop and she dies? Water finally starts to dribble out of her mouth as they move her, more and more coming up. At least she’s not drowning, but what about the pills shetook?
The nurses and a doctor trade her over to a table and they push me to the back of the room. My back hits a wall and I slide down. Her pulse is now visualized in front of me on the heart monitor. It stutters for a moment and finally stops.No.
I feel a hand on my arms pulling me up.No!The word echoes in my head, burning through me. A rejection. A hollow hope. A dangerousplea.
“Need a crash cart in here!” someone yells. They pull out those electric shocker things, the flat, hand sized metal irons. I’ve never seen them except on a television before. What if they hurt her? Ithink.
“You can’t be in here,” a nurse snaps, pointing towards thedoor.
“I’m not fucking leaving,” I growl. My eyes are burning. The tears fall. I don’t care.One. Two. Three. Go.They press the irons to her chest, shocking her, and I jump at the sound. Her chest rises quickly and then falls, not lifting again. White lab coats and blue scrubs surround me. Like fucking robots, none of them seem to show any emotion as they work. They don’t react, as if the girl lying on the table right in front of them isn’t the most beautiful, sad creature to walk thisEarth.
I can’t do this. I can’t see her die. “Again!” I scream. The nurse from before frowns at me. I watch the doctor press the irons to her chest again. I bow my head with my hand over my eyes. I can’t let go. Please, God. I can’t letgo.
“Do you want me to call hospital security,” she warns. “You need toleave.”
“I can’t leave her.” Maybe it’s something in my voice – the way it cracks as my whole chest cracks. Still there’s nothing. When the doctor shakes his head at the nurses across from him, I fucking lose it. I storm over to the doctor and grab the front of his lab coat. “Do. It.Again.”
“Call hospital security!” someoneyells.
The doctor stares at me. “Do it a-fucking-gain!” Iscream.
Only when he nods do I release him. The nurses stare at me. I know that they’re scared, they refuse to get closer, probably waiting on security. I back up against the far wall, my arms around myself. She has to live. He preps the irons. I can’t lose her. Presses it to her chest. I look up to theceiling.
“Please,” I whisper, “don’t takeher.”
One. Two. Three.Again, no heartbeat. I can’t breathe. I gave her all my breath and I find myself stumbling backward. This can’t be happening. I don’t want this to happen.One. Two.It’s not going to make a difference.Three.
Thump.
I lift myhead.
Thump.Thump.
There it is. Her heart is beating again, echoing throughout the room, drowning out the other noises. The doctor starts barking commands, the nurses quickly complying. My gaze focuses in on the black monitor at the side of the bed and the lines that emit the visual of herlife.
Thump. Thump.Thump.
More water comes out of her mouth and the doctor and nurses rush to push her on her side so that she can throw it up. I’m shaking so bad I finally let someone, not a security guard surprisingly, but a nurse, lead me out of the room. The hall is white, and I smell disinfectant everywhere. The stench clings to everything I pass, and soon it clings to me too. I can’t keep steady on myfeet.
When I come to the waiting room, Blake is there and so are Ally and Cross. Ally’s face is tear stained and she throws herself at me when I come in. I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight. I can’t lose these girls. Ican’t.
“It’ll be okay, man,” Cross says. There are circles under hiseyes.
“What happened?” Allyasks.
I don’tknow.
“I don’t know,” I say again out loud. “I don’t know.” I let go of Ally and lumber further into the waiting room. I collapse into one of the chairs and hang my head in my hands. Her heart is beating. She’s alive. At least…she’s alive. If she’s alive then we can fix this—whatever thisis.
26
Love
