Page 37 of Expressionate
Rain slides down our faces into our mouths. The very best way to drown, and I’ve found it. It drips into our eyes so quickly that I have to close mine against it. But the fact that I can’t see Tax in front of me anymore, can’t see him kissing me just makes me feel more of him. His hands grip my waist, circling it, fingers digging into the cold, wet fabric of my shirt. I’ve never felt small, not in any capacity really. But with him, I feel dainty. I feel like with just a flick of his wrist, he could shatter me into a million pieces. He could kill me completely without even trying. A shiver chases up my spine as I lean into him. Tax’s hands rub up and down my sides until my shirt is bunched up just over the band of my jeans and his fingers meet bare skin. Electric sparks go off at thetouch.
“Love…” His voice is a whisper – a gruff, coarse whisper that reaches my ears and gently nudges me back toreality.
I shake my head; my hands reach up for his face. I don’t want to go back to reality. I just want to stay here with him. “No talking,” I urge. I just want to feel this without all of the bad things that come with it. When Tax kisses me, it doesn’t seem wrong. It doesn’t seem forced – like a costume I put on to play a part. Like a prop or a role. It feelsreal. The realest thing I’ve everfelt.
His lips press into mine, opening my mouth. When our tongues touch, I groan, my fingers pressing against the hard edge of his jaw, using it as leverage to anchor myself to this moment. Tax pulls away, and my eyes pop open, but it’s not to leave me. His hands move lower, gripping me under my thighs, and lifts me against his body. My legs open around his hips and then my feet meet and cross behind the small of his back as he moves me until my spine presses into coolmetal.
I break off the kiss to look behind me. It’s some sort of strange, twisting, black metal wires woven together to make a cage like carriage with wheels. The waterfall makes trickling noises as Tax’s hot lips touch my neck, running up the column of my throat, distracting me. My eyes closeagain.
Tax opens his lips against my skin. Kissing gently, then sucking hard. I gasp as if the sucking sensation has a direct link to my pussy. It tugs on strings I didn’t even know existed, plays them like I’m his goddamn marionette. I would chop off my arms and legs and attach strings to my once useful limbs if only he wouldn’t stop touching me. My heart thunders in my ears, loud and uncompromising. The beating of it resounds in my chest, pounding loudly against the cage of myribs.
I can’t. It’s too much. My eyes burn as my throat closes. Tax is still pressed against me completely. All that heat lighting me up like the safest of fires…but fire stillburns.
Dropping my hands to his shoulders, I push. I can’t speak. Not yet. Not without…I sniff hard and press him away more firmly until he pulls back and looks at me. “What’s wrong?” heasks.
I shake my head and drop my legs from his waist. Tax backs up with ease, letting me stand on my own. I turn away and take a few steps. My hands are trembling. “I want to go back,” I say after I’m sure I won’t choke up. “I want to gohome.”
“Okay.” He sounds confused. “I can take you. Noproblem.”
I nod and, before he can say anything else or ask any questions, I start back to his Jeep. I swallow against the block in my throat and keep my eyelids peeled in an effort to dry out my eyes before he sees the redness around them. Hopefully, he’ll just mark it up to me beingdrunk.
Tax follows me to the Jeep at a much slower pace. Though I keep my gaze trained at the black pavement under my feet, I can feel his eyes on me. I don’t know how to tell him that it’s not him. That every problem I have is somethingImade.
* * *
Slidingone leg off the bed and then the other, my feet press against the dirty bedroom carpet. My skin feels itchy and tight. I look down and notice I'm naked. I wonder how long I've been naked. Danny stirs slightly as I stand. I glance back at him over my shoulder. His balding head is against one of the flatter pillows while the rest of his body is sprawled like a starfish. It's hard to understand how I even fit on the bed. He covers most of the mattress and his feet hang off theend.
I turn back toward the bedroom door and contemplate my options. Do I stay now? Do I go? I look down at the fresh bruises on my body. My shoulders are particularly bruised. I guess that's what happens when you have a man as large as Danny holding them down so hard. I guess a shower it is. Or a bath. I have to feel at least cleaner than the carpet under my feet. I head toward the bathroom and close the door to keep the sound of the running water muted. It's colder in the tiled room and, somehow, I feel even dirtier next to all of the white walls andfloors.
I sit on the edge of the claw foot bathtub and reach over to turn the handles. Hot and cold water gushes from the spout and I stand up, sliding a foot inside to test the temperature. I step in with my other foot and then lean over to readjust the temperature to have more hot water than cold before I slide all the way in. On second thought...I reach forward and turn off the cold water completely. The hotter the better. The hotter the water is, the more likely it will cleanme.
I lay back and close my eyes. The space between my thighs aches. I take stock of my entire body, and realize it all hurts. My back, my knees, my shoulders, my pussy, and my thighs. I feel like someone took a baseball bat to every bone, beat them until they broke, and they've only recently healed. My head floats, fuzzy. It isn't until I feel the steaming hot water lapping at my shoulders that I realize I've almost overdone it. I gently lean forward and shut the water off before lying backagain.
My neck presses against the cold rim of the bathtub, and I slide further down. I open my eyes, but they droop anyway as I stare up at the ceiling. The ceiling is cracking and dirty – just like every other goddamn thing in my life. I sigh and sink into the water until my mouth is under the surface and the only oxygen being pulled into my lungs is coming from my nostrils. Water sloshes over the rim. I don't care. It's not my house. It doesn't even feel like mylife.
The bathroom door opens and Danny stumbles in. He notices me and smiles at my naked form under the water before he turns and flips up the toilet lid and seat. He takes a piss and then shakes it quickly before moving over to me. He drops down on his knees and looks at me, his faceamused.
"Looking good, girl," he says. I hate it when he calls me that. Because I am a girl. I'm too young for this, aren't I? I wish someone would realize that. I wish someone would just take a look at me and tell me that I needed to be doing chores or going out with friends. Be innocent. I don’t have any friends. I don’t have any innocenceeither.
Danny reaches into the surface of the water and more of it splashes out. Neither of us notice as he grips one of my tits and squeezes tight. That's where the bruises come from. He always grips me too hard. I don't move. I don't say anything. Neither does he. He just pants as he massages my breast as if it's a slab of meat. That's all I am, really. A slab of meat. I close my eyes as he reaches in with his other hand and grabs the other one. Then he's leaning forward and pulling my mouth above water by my tits, so he can kiss me. When he kisses me, he tastes like cigarettes and shitty beer. I keep my eyes closed. I don't move. I don't say yes, but I also don't sayno.
That's the thing with Danny, I can't really say no. Because I deserve the way he makes mefeel.
Disgusting.
Dirty.
I comeawake with sweat dripping down my temple. Immediately I think it was the dream – the memory. But no, when I stand and move toward the bedroom door to go to the bathroom, I notice the entire room is sweltering. I reach up, above my door, and put my hand in front of the vent. No cool air comes out. I sigh, stepping out into the hall, shaking off the nightmare. It’s made that much worse, though, because it’s not really a nightmare. It’s a memory. The kind of memory that chases and haunts me every hour of the day because of the choices I made. It’s the very reason I built a switch inside; so that when they come in the dead of night, I won’t be so scared and shakenup.
I make my way to the thermometer and find it turned off. I press the power button and wait. Nothing. I press it again, this time holding down for thirty seconds. That always seems to do the trick with everything else. Still no go. I sigh and decide to mention it to the landlady after I get offwork.
Beverly’s snores ricochet through the hallway. I stop and ease her door shut before continuing on. I get ready for work and grab a to-go mug of coffee on my way out, filled halfway with cream and sugar. As I pass Tax’s door on my way to the stairwell, my chest tightens. I keep going, rubbing absently at the space between my breasts as Ihurry.
BookWorm isn’t open when I get there. I start around back and ring a bell next to the delivery door. It takes forever before my manager, Daniella, finally gets there to let me in. Her face is red and blotchy, with dark circles under her eyes as she opens the door. “Love, thank goodness you’re here,” she says immediately as the door closes behind us, “can you do me a hugefavor?”
“Sure?” I say, curiously. She follows me as I go to put my bag away in my locker and grab my booksellerapron.
“Brody’s mom had a stroke this morning. He and the family are at the hospital now.” Her hands clench and twist in her apron. “I know I shouldn’t ask, but none of the other managers this morning picked up. I can’t just…she’s been really good to us. She’s like my own mom, youknow?”
