Page 70 of Expressionate
“I know you want it,” he moans, rubbing against me.Don’t throw up, I tell myself. Deal with it. Just deal with it. It won’t always be like this. I can do this. His hands touch me, and I wonder if he can get arrested for molesting a minor like this. I shake my head though, then I would be in the same predicament, trapped with nowhere else to go. Or worse, I think. The police will surely make me return toAnne.
Danny’s beefy fists curl around my ankles. I didn’t realize he’d gotten that low again, and then he jerks me down. The sheets fall off the bed and I gasp in shock. No. I have to stop this. But I can’t. I need a place to live. I could live on the streets. No. The police will pick me up and I’ll have to go back to her. All roads lead back to her. I can’t bear to see that woman again. I don’t know what will happen when or if I ever do. I just hope, at the very least, I can see Trisha.Someday.
Danny spreads my legs looking down at me hungrily. Without thought, my hands come down in between them to cover myself. He growls and looks up at me. His face is irritated, and I wrack my brain for something to say to draw him away from this. I don’t want him to dirty me with his hands or mouth. I can’t stand that I’ve already letmedo this to me. An idea pops into myhead.
“Bath,” I blurt. His face contorts into a confused expression at my outburst. “Let’s do it in the bath.” Maybe if I take him there, I can keep myself clean while I do this. He grins and backs off the bed, taking my hand and pulling me with him. I look down at his naked body and wonder how any woman could find him attractive. He’s already ready for me to service him again, as he puts it, and I’m more than ready to get this over with, and go curl up in a ball. I’m lucky that he’s allowed me to have my ownroom.
“Come on then, little girl,” he pulls me towards the bathroom. He must have a thing for minors, I think. I wonder if he’s raped anyone. I wonder if I ever actually do tell him “no,” will he ignoreit?
As the tub fills, Danny gropes my breasts rubbing his face between them. His beard scratches my skin, making me wince, as he licks my neck and kisses my shoulder. I’m glad he doesn’t kiss my mouth. I think he knows that I don’t like kissing him. He tastes like cigarettes. But as soon as that thought comes to my mind he lifts his head and grabs my hair, pulling me in. His tongue is slobbery, and I hate it. He kisses me and slides his nasty cigarette tasting tongue into mymouth.
“Oh yeah,” he groans. “You like that, don’t you? You like it when I treat you roughly and kiss you like this, don’t you?” He yanks on my hair and I know he doesn’t actually expect me to answer. He rocks against me as the water fills the tub. He takes my hands and holds them against the bathroom counter until they’re sore. I want to protest, but Iwon’t.
When the tub is full, we get in and he continues to touch me in ways I wish he wouldn’t. I think that if I were anyone else I would cry. I wouldn’t be able to choke on my breath and hold my tears at bay if I were anyone else. When he grabs a condom from the counter and slides into me, groaning, I just want to die. I don’t want to be here in his arms. I feel like insects are eating me alive when he begins to move. He moves back and forth, and he reminds me of a pig the way he grunts. He moves against me and I shudder indisgust.
“Come on, baby,” he pants in my ear. “Just like that. Oh, yeah.” He grunts and groans then pulls back and slaps my ass. It stings. “Move your fucking hips,” he snaps. This is too graphic. This is too much. I close my eyes and pretend I’m somewhere else; anywhere else as I do what he says and start to move my hips back andforth.
“Yeah. Yeah. Shhhiiiit.” He finishes quickly and when it’s over, I lie in the tub. “Nice fuck, little girl,” he says as he gets out. Stripping the used condom from his cock, Danny tosses it, and then takes a piss before ambling into thebedroom.
I wash, and I wash. I spread soap over my skin, hoping it will at least take away some of this feeling. Bricks. I need bricks. If I build a wall around my emotions maybe I won’t hate this so much anymore. Maybe I will get used to it. Maybe I’ll be able to deal with who I am, what I am. A whore. Just like Annesaid.
* * *
I feelsick as I close the letter, tuck it into an envelope, and seal it. I stand up, but my legs are so weak that it takes a moment for me to be sure they will hold me up. I walk down the hallway, my breathing the only sound. It’s deep and harsh andchoppy.
Soft sobbing echoes in my ears. It’s not mine. It’shers.
I leave on my already wet bra and underwear. The water has grown cold, but I don’t drain it and start over. I won’t be able to feel it soon anyways. I step into the tub and shivers begin to wrack my body. The water splashes against my chest. Goosebumps trail my arms. I try not to look at them. I reach to turn the tap back on so that the tub can fill up the rest of the way. My body sinks into the water slowly as I keep my face just above the surface. It will be like going to sleep, I promise myself. Though, how would I reallyknow?
Please, she tries one lasttime.
I ignore her and lift the pills to my mouth – there’s definitely more than four. So many, but they’re so small, none of them drop out of the palm of my hand. They slide down my throat catching like rocks, almost making me choke. I let my hands go and lay back. I sink up to my neck in the cold water. It runs over the side of the tub, but I can’t find it in me tocare.
You don’t deserve this, Love.She’s never said my name before and hearing her say it now cuts deeper than any of the earlier barbs.I wish you could have seen that it’s not yourfault.
It doesn’t matter now. Nothing does. This is the best choice I could make. I hope it happens quickly, I think as I sink further. I hear the water slapping the bathroom floor, until it’s water splashing on water. Overflowing. My limbs are too heavy to move. I keep my face above the surface as long as possible, though I know it’s inevitable.I want it to be inevitable, don’tI?
That’s the question, isn’tit?
I just want it to beover.
My face slips under and I close my eyes. In the distance, I swear I hear Tax’s voice calling my name. Funny…so close to death andhisvoice is the voice Ihear.
25
Tax
Blood runs over my chin and down the column of my neck. My abs feel like ground hamburger meat, my legs likenoodles.
"Is this really the best he can do?" I hear someone in the crowd ask. "I thought he'd be better than this. They hyped him up toomuch."
No, I think. I am better than this. I'm thebest.
I roar as I sink my fist into my opponent’s face. Cartilage crunches under the weighted force of my rage. Yes, that's it. Bleed. I turn and drive my knee into his face as he goes down. I know I've broken his nose. I wonder what else I can do. Dislocate his jaw? Blind him? I'm not weak. I'm strong. This isn't my best. I'm just playing around. I've barely gotten started. Tax is a man. Tax is a monster. Taxis—
"Tax!" someone calls me, someone familiar. I jerk my head up, eyes wild. Keith is standing there on the outskirts of the crowd. He's standing on something, so he can be seen over all their heads. Low brows drawn down, teeth clenched tight. He calls my name oncemore.
“Stop, Tax! That’s enough! You’vewon!”
