Page 68 of Expressionate
“What would be the point?” I ask. “Every fucking road I seem to take is gonna lead me back to her.” And no matter how much rain she brings, even if I end up soaked to the bone, I don’t think I would have her any other way. Love may be cold sometimes, but it's nothing like my Mother. No, her coldness is something else entirely. It's a shield, a protection. I just have to rip it all away and bring her back to where she belongs – withme.
"Well, boy, if ya love 'er so much, what the fuck you doin' out here?" The man gestures to the parking lot and the rain. It feels like it's rained more in the short time that I've had Love in my life than it has in my entire life. But it feels...cleansing? Yeah, that'sit.
But if it feels so good, whyamIhere?
My fuzzy, alcohol clouded brain supplies me with the answers. Because she doesn't give a shit. Loveleftme. Whatever the fuck happened in the hospital parking lot was obviously an anomaly. Maybe I was a passing fancy – a fucking faceless asshole to her, in a line of faceless assholes. Have I been too fucking blind to seethat?
My heart seizes in my chest, pain sliding into my veins, clogging my arteries. I thought Love was it. There was something special about her. She was different. Fuck. She was...fuck, she wasmine. And not because I fuckingboughther. I don't care about her past. I'll never care. Blake somehow knew. How, I may never fucking know. He warned me not to judge her and I don’t. It makes no difference to me. So what if she sold her body for a place to live? She was a teenager. She was...Ally's age, I realize as my stomach turns over. Suddenly, Ally's face replaces Love's as another man runs his hands over her body and bile boils in my gut as my tongue coats with saliva. I can't think about it. My head spins.No.
"Hey, you okay there?" the old manasks.
I shake my head quickly, turning and hunching over as vomit shoots up my throat. My entire body shakes and coils with the force of the movement as I throw up. The man stumbles to his feet, and when I'm done, he helps me standup.
"Boy, I didn't think you were that fucked up," hesays.
I groan as he tries to shuffle me back to the bar—our legs moving slowly since I can barely stand on my own. I don't want to move back to the alcohol—I want to move away. It will only make me want to shove my fist in someone's face. If I can't have Love, I need the next best thing. My vice if not my virtue. I need fuckingblood.
24
Love
And can you tell me what happened then?” I watch the officer from the door of Trisha’s hospital room. Another stands just outside the door, against the wall – though there’s really no need since the EMTs declared Lawrence dead upon arrival. Trisha’s face is pale and her blue eyes dull. She looks almost as lifeless as Ifeel.
“He threatened me and then he tried to choke me.” Her words make me rock back on my feet, a knot blocking myairway.
“Was this the first time he threatened you?” She avoids my eyes when she shakes her head. My chest is a hollow cavern of disappointment and shame. Not in her, never in her, but in myself. I turn towards the hallway, my templesthrobbing.
Minutes later, the officer walks out and greets his partner. As a unit they turn to me. “We’ve taken all the statements we need to, but just to be safe, please refrain from leaving the city in the coming weeks. We expect that your sister will be released within the next few days and we’ve advised her to do thesame.”
I’m too numb to say anything, so I just nod. They say their goodbyes and then I’m left standing in the cold, clinical hallway with people in scrubs moving past, and I feel like I’m frozen in time and everyone else is speeding around me. Trisha’s voice calls me out of it and I step back into theroom.
“Are you leaving?” sheasks.
“Yeah.” My voice stops working and I clear my throat. “I’m gonna head back to theapartment.”
She nods. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you later?” I can’t answer her. Instead, I force a smile and nod my head before wavinggoodbye.
I remember nothing about the drive back to my apartment. I could have passed hundreds of wrecks, burning buildings, and bodies on the side of the road, and I wouldn’t have noticed. When I open the door to my apartment, silence meets me. I drift through the apartment like a disembodied ghost. My skin feels numb, prickly – like thousands of little needles are pressing against my flesh. My room smells different as I undress and fall into bed. I sniff my pillows and curl around them, wanting to just fall into the deepest abyss of sleep when I realize what the smell is, and my chest clenches. It smells likehim. It smells like Tax. Hot tears run down my face as I press my nose into the fabric. I was so cruel to him and the reminder spreads in my chest like fiery tentacles wrapping around my insides and searing me with myshame.
I’m worthless. Broken. I squeeze my eyes closed, praying for sleep to be my escape, but my mind swirls in an endless circle of sharp cutting edges. Reminding me that I’m shit. I’m a whore. I let my sister get hurt. I hurt Tax when he loved me – helovedme. I bite my lip to keep from screaming as my chest shakes and my spine shudders. I can’t fucking breathe. The shadows in the corners of the room creep towards me as the sun sets. I’malone.
No matter how many times I close my eyes against them, no matter how many times I hold my breath – the shattering of my soul surrounds me in the heavy gasps from my mouth. I’m falling apart. Even reaching out and watching my hand move across the covers of my bed feels like I’m staring at someone else’s limb, someone else’s body. This isn’t me. I’m not this broken, am I? Have I always been this way? I curl closer, trying to protect my core. There’s something here that needs to be held together if I plan on surviving. Dark thoughts intrude on me and the little girl cries as they brush against her. No one ever saves her. I certainly can’t. The only one who ever triedwas—
When my phone goes off, my first reaction is to ignore it. My throat is tight with how long I’ve cried. But then I remember that Trisha doesn’t have her phone and the only other person who does call me is him. And it’s him that I need. He can do something. He can save me. I can’t stumble off the bed fast enough, snatching my phone from my nightstand, my knees hit the floor and I stifle a sob as I answer without looking and press the phone to myear.
“I need you.” I pant into the phone, waiting for a response, but he doesn’t say anything, and I close my eyes against the cutting edges getting closer and the shadows growing longer. “Please, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry – I was wrong to leave like that. It was selfish, and I hate myself. I’m so sorry.” I sob. “I just can’t – It’s my fault, everything I’ve done. All the things I’ve done remind me that I should be ashamed. I’m dirty.” I look at my shaking hand in my lap as more tears leak out, hitting my palm and sliding down to my wrist as I hold it up. “You were the only good thing that I’ve ever had other than Trisha and I hurt you. I wanted to hurt you, but I only did it to make you go away. I’m scared, Tax. I’m so scared, and I keep thinking these awful thoughts and I need you. I need you so much, please don’t leave me. I loveyou.”
Silence reigns and I sob, gasping. “Tax, please saysomething.”
“You want me to say something?” My spine stiffens, horror dawning. Danny chuckles, low and deep. “Whoever this Tax person is, he seems to have made a strong impression on you, little girl.” Bile chokes me. “But does he know how dirty you really are? Does he know how many men you’ve been with? How many women? Does he know how filthy you can be?” I don’t know if he can hear how shaky my breath is, how hard it is to push all the air out and draw it back in. “Oh, but don’t worry. I won’t judge you. I fucking love you that way, baby. You’re so beautiful when you’re on your knees, choking on my cock. Tell me, does he know how much you like it? I know you do, baby. You were made to be used. You need someone who understands you, don’tyou?”
I can’t respond. The numbness is back full force. My tears dry up and I lean my head back against the side of the bed, closing my eyes as the shadows consumeme.
“That’s okay, Love—” My name in his mouth makes me want to vomit. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you do. You need someone who accepts that you not only like to be used, you need to be used. You need a man to spread your legs and fuck you long and hard. You need someone to control you. Someone like you can’t be left alone, baby. You need to come back to where youbelong.”
“And where is that? With you?” The cutting edges have ripped me open and the little girl lays bleeding in the cavity of my chest. I look down, expecting a growing blood stain, but nothing isthere.
“Of course it’s with me,” Danny snaps. “See, just like that – you’re too stupid to understand yourself. And you’re fucking insane if you think this Tax person knows you, knows what you need. He can’t help you.” His voice deepens. “Only I can. I’m the only one who understands what my little slut needs. You know what you need todo.”
