Page 44 of Expressionate
"Since you came back, she's ruining her life," Anne snarls. "She was on the fast track to marrying Lawrence. She could get her little MRS. degree and then she wouldn't have to work for a living or do anything. But now, all of the sudden, she's not happy with Lawrence anymore. She wants to change her major – to Photography and Art of all things! I'm sure it's because of you. You were always the one writing in your little journals and scribbling on notepads before I could get them away from you. Your little drawings and stories were nothing butchildishness."
Anne couldn't understand that I needed those drawings and those stories. That they were my escape, from her, from home, from myself when her hatred for me taught me to hate myself. My face, I'm sure, is blank. My expression wiped clean. Her own cheeks redden with fury. I had started this little ice routine of mine because of her – because showing no reaction, no emotion frustrated her and obviously, still does. With Danny, I had sunk myself deep beneath the ice and perfectedit.
"It sounds to me like your daughter is finally finding something that makes her happy," I stateplainly.
Me too, if I’m being honest with myself. Tax makes me – if not happy, then at least curious. The restaurant doors behind Anne open and Trisha comes out, carrying her purse. Her head is tilted down, away from the sun, as she strides across the parking lot. Anne and I don't have much time left. "And I promise you, the moment she leaves Lawrence, she will be ten times better off," I finallysay.
"You will regret crossing me, Love," Anne hisses, her gaze narrowing. "I promise you. If you think I can't make you regret your decisions now just because you think you’re allgrown up, you’re wrong. You think I don’t know what kind of woman you’ve become?" Anne's disdain for me has never been more clear, but something in her tone makes me frown. What does she mean? I want to ask, but we're out oftime.
"Sorry! Sorry!" Trish stops next to her mother and gives both of us a strained smile. "I ran into a friend. I didn't know he worked here; Ryder was just coming in for his afternoonshift."
"No problem, Trisha darling," Anne says, sucking in a heavy breath. She steps back, blinking owlishly as if realizing just how close she was tome.
"We were just catching up." My tone is flat as I stare atAnne.
Her lip curls downward but she nods, acknowledging my statement. "That's right, but we really must be going. Come on, Trisha." Anne tugs on Trisha's arm before she can reach for me. We always hug when we say goodbye if we can, but Trisha's face tells me not to this time. She gives me another apologetic smile, and retreats to the car she rode in with hermother.
Even as they climb into Anne's newer mustang convertible and drive away, I stay standing right where I'm at. Almost as if I'm rooted to the spot. It takes me several minutes to realize that there is sweat dripping down between my shoulder blades and coating my palms. It's hot outside...but not thathot.
14
Tax
You've been hanging out with that chick an awful lot lately," Cross says from thekitchen.
"Yeah? And?" I click a button on the remote and the channel changes, throwing different shades of light across the room. Down the hall, both Blake and Ally are sleeping. Ally hasn't had a need for tutoring with Love much, but I certainly like it when she comes over. Even if I do try to give them their space, I like listening to the sound of Love's voice as she's talking toAlly.
In reality, Ally's pretty smart. She doesn't struggle nearly as much as I tried to get Love to believe so she'd take pity on me and come over. Though, it was pretty lucky that she needed a tire change when she did. No, I’m just worried that all the testosterone Ally was living with might be enough to drive her out of her mind. And she seems to like Love – I can’t blame her on that. The Harris siblings have great taste – we both likeLove.
"I'm just saying," Cross continues, moving into the living room with a bowl of popcorn in hand, "that if you like the chick so much, you should just bang her and get it overwith."
I scowl as he takes a seat next to me. "I don't want to just bang her," Isnap.
Cross blinks at me. "Youdon't?"
Shrugging, I crack my neck and look back to the television. I can't seem to make my eyebrows go back to normal. They are firmly lowered as contemplation overtakes me. "No," I say. "No, it's more thanthat."
Cross shakes his head. "Chicks aren't good for much else," he says before popping a handful of popcorn into his mouth. He chews as he talks. "I mean Ally's great, but that's because she's around us all the time. She's not gonna turn into abitch."
A fresh wave of anger returns. I have to temper myself – hold back the need to put my fist down his fucking throat because I know about why Cross thinks that. In a lot of ways, he’s just as fucked up as the rest of us. Only his demons are decidedly prettier. Sighing, I stand up, blocking his view of the television. "You're gonna have to get over that sooner or later," I say. "You believe what you want to believe. Until you stop wanting to believe that every chick is a cheating whore, then that's all you'll be able tofind."
Cross pauses, his hand halfway to his mouth with another fist full of popcorn. I don't give him a chance to respond, though. All this talking just makes me want to get out of the apartment and see the object of my obsession. I head for my room and change into some swim trunks, leaving my shirt on for now. I leave my keys and my phone behind. Cross is still sitting in the living room when I return. His eyes are glued to the screen, but they’re unfocused and the popcorn sits to the side,untouched.
"I'm heading out, but I'm not leaving the building. Don't lock the door onme."
Cross nods and I pass by him, clapping him on the shoulder once before I leave the apartment and head nextdoor.
Love is sure to be asleep at this time of night. When I get to her door and knock, no one answers. But I was prepared for that. I retrieve the heavy-duty paper clips that I shoved into the pocket of my swim trunks. Unfolding the metal wire of each until they have a side that is as straight as I can possibly get them, I shove one into the lock section of Love's front door and twist it one way before sliding in the other, searching for a part that will click when I press down. Feeling the resistance against it, I do the same to the other and press against the opposite side. A moment later, I turn the knob and stepinside.
The apartment is silent. The scent of lavender and jasmine blooms in the quiet darkness. I make my way towards the bedrooms until I'm standing in front of Love's door. It's the only door unopened. The others reveal an empty bedroom and an equally deserted bathroom. Pausing with my hand on the knob, I drag in a breath, taking with it more of the surrounding smells. She's not even yet in front of me and I already feel calmer, more relaxed. I turn the knob and step into theroom.
Love sleeps curled into herself on her side. One hand rests under her cheek and the other along her side, as she keeps one of the thin sheets clutched to her chest. It's probably creepy – no, it's definitely creepy – that I've broken into her home and I'm watching her sleep. I'll make sure to let her know she can do so to me any time when I wake her up. For now, though, I'm going to enjoythis.
15
Love
Ican feel the slickness of sweat sticking to the back of my neck as I roll over in bed. Something tingles in the back of my mind. Muted light spills through the crack in my doorway from somewhere down the hallway. Yawning, I close my eyes and snuggle closer to the wall. It's only when a big, warm body slides beneath the sheets with me and a bare chest touches my back that I realize something is very wrong. I never leave my door open. I couldn't sleep with the door open even as akid.
