Page 185 of Knot To Be
My therapist and I decided that today, I’m going to leave the house and go for a walk. Simple, right? This isn’t simply a walk around the block, no it’s a walk into town to get dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. If I’m doing big girl fucking things, then I deserve a damn treat.
I haven’t left my property since the surgery, and I was firmly focused then on getting to the hospital. There was no time to worry about anything, I just left the house like anyone else would.
Fuck. My hair is down, and sweat is beading up at the base of my skull. I’m feeling flushed throughout my body that has nothing to do with a heat and everything to do with panic.
The truth is that today, I am proving to myself that I am not agoraphobic, even though so many things say differently. I haven’t left my property in over two months. I have all the clinical development for it, but I refuse to be a prisoner in my own home.
“You can do this,” I whisper, dumping out my purse on the dining room table. It’s a beautiful solid oak antique, and I hold onto the mindless details of it while I repack my purse.
“Rosalia.” Flinching, I take a shuddering breath as I glance over my shoulder to find my pack standing there. Anyone could have called my name, but it came from Pablo. “Are you ready?”
He’s giving me a chance to say no. They’d accept it and we’d say we’ll try again, but it has to be today.
It has to be.
Lifting my strap to my shoulder, I smooth my hands over my cropped shirt. The gun is hidden well enough at the smallof my back that I don’t need a longer shirt, and it’s a beautiful afternoon.
If I want to feel the heat of the sun on my face, I have to walk out the front door today. Forcing my feet to move, I begin walking to the door without speaking. No one pushes me to say anything as they follow me through the house to the entryway.
Verona and Dario have the therapist’s number on speed dial, and he told me to call him if I needed help. This could mean anything, and I’m not really sure how I’m going to react when I walk out the door.
My fingers tremble as I unlock the door and my eyes glance at the security box. Pablo began working with Pack Alston recently, and he created our home system. Along with the security walking our property, this is supposed to keep us safe.
My mind still wonders what a little box can do against a kidnapping. Logistically, I know how it all works because Pablo showed me, but my brain is currently an asshole.
A small whine escapes my lips as I pull the door open, and my alphas purr for me. I can feel the warmth of their bodies behind me, and Pablo presses his hand against my back as he sucks in a breath with me.
We’re all on edge, and the tension is thick.
The gate to the fence is the same as it’s always been. It’s meant to keep us safe, but Avery proved that once I leave through the gate, all bets are off. I was three houses away from home when I was taken off the sidewalk, despite having a gun and tactical training.
At the end of the day, I am five foot three. Fighting against men several times my size isn’t always going to go in my favor.
I can hear my heart beat slow rather than speed up as I drag my foot across the tile floor and out onto the paver that leads outside. The transition from inside to outside is stark, and I push myself through the doorway. It’s almost as if I’ve forgotten howto walk, because everything inside of me is screaming there’s danger I can’t see.
Bad things happen in the neighborhood beyond the safety of my bubble, and I’m playing with fire.
Yet, I still walk, and my pack surrounds me. The guards aren’t in my sight line, and for some reason, this panics me further. When I left the house when I was kidnapped, Nico walked me out and then I was alone.
The neighborhood was supposed to be safe,I was supposed to be safe!
Fuck. My fingers claw at my throat as it seems to close, cutting off my oxygen. I’m fighting against an unknown force, and it’s my own fear. How do you harness something that’s inside of you?
“Okay, that’s enough,” Nico growls. I’ve made it to the fence somehow, and he pulls me down to the ground between his legs as he sits behind me. “Verona?—”
“I’m calling,” she whispers. Fear and worry reflects back at me through my bonds and I begin to keen in terror and despair.
Words bubble up inside of me, but I can’t breathe well enough to speak them. It feels like I’m dying. The sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, and my body thinks I’m suffocating.
“You’re outside. Good,” Michael O’Connor grunts. There’s no nonsense in his voice as his icy blue eyes take in the scene in front of him. He doesn’t let me get away with shit, which is how I find myself in my current predicament. “You can breathe. Relax. There’s one. Drop your head, lean forward and stare at the ground. There’s two.”
The raw, gasping sobs as I suck in oxygen are ugly and terrible. However, I can’t feel disgust from anyone near me. The guards have been pulled from the perimeter by my sobs, concerned something happened.
There’s not an ounce of pity or disgust from anyone as I prepare to admit that I’m not going to be able to leave my home today. My haven is actually a prison.
“Ground yourself, Rosalia, and then we’ll talk. I don’t like the defeat on your face,” Michael growls.
I think this is the only person on earth who could growl at me and not have a death wish. He’s gotten me this far, so my pack and I trust him.
