Page 66 of Ruined
I would think I was okay, and I didn’t have to remind myself to breathe. I could sit with Silas on his couch and let him hold my hand without wanting to rip it away. The next second, I would freeze up because I couldn’t stand the thought of being touched.I felt crazy.Especially because in those moments where I sensed myself shift, it was due to my own inner voice—a new one, one that told me I was unworthy of him.
Sometimes there was just silence, and that voice didn't exist. When that happened, I found myself hollow, which pissed me off even more. I wanted tofeel. I wanted tomove on. Iwanted to bemyselfagain, but it was like something was there, stopping me—like I was locked out of my mind and I didn’t have control. That was the only way to describe it…a thick wall of numbness that had settled into my body and refused to leave. Everything on the inside of the wall felt heavy, weighed down with questions I’d never get answers to.
How did I not know that was happening?
How long did it go on for?
Am I the one to blame?
Some questions were answered instantly, starting with the day Silas saved me. I only remembered so much, but I had been aware enough to listen for a while as Silas took care of me. I heard him say Bodhi was dead, and I knew that Greyson had helped. It was afterthat,where my body had finally went to sleep.
Eventually, I figured out some more things. The necklace I had worn, the one I thought was from Kolby, had been from Bodhi—another way he had manipulated us all. We also knew that Kinsley chose to cover up the murder and not call the police, seeing how we had no one show up. I'm plagued by what I still don't know. I’ve tried to force myself to openly talk about things, but I don’t think I’m ready, at least not yet.
A week slowly passed, and the haze in my mind started to clear. I still felt like I was fighting against the same thick wall but now, I could at least be present and hear those around me. I hadn't noticed right away, but every day one of Silas’s brothers would bring us food and give him updates on the club.I began to look forward to them coming. When I found myself surrounded by them, I felt like the wall was starting to crack and I actually had a chance of removing it.
Today when the knock came, I was the one who opened the door. I expected it to be Greyson with some type of pasta, but instead, I found a detective standing on the porch. The moment I registered the badge, my face paled and my hand dropped to my side.
“Good afternoon, Miss Vale, I need to ask you some questions about Bodhi Williams.”
I made eye contact for about ten seconds. After that, the very little amount of my soul that I had regained, locked away again.
Bodhi.
The name triggered a response in my body I couldn’t fight off. I watched as the detective's mouth moved more, but the words slid past me like rain on glass. No matter how much I fought for control over my mind, my brain just went on autopilot. I felt something this time though, as I was thrown into mental darkness again—a faint glimpse of emotion, of my old fire.
Hearing that name out loud made me remember what it was like to be angry.
Luckily, Silas approached and could immediately tell something was off. Without me saying anything about who was at the door, I felt his eyes lock on to the stranger. His energy becoming palpable, coming off in waves as he stepped forward to protect me without even knowing who I was facing. I turnedmy neck slightly, just to witness him and the force he was. With his arms crossed over his chest, he looked down at the officer in front of us. There was no surprise on his face. With both shoulders straight, and his voice controlled in a way that almost sounded like he’d expected this. “What about him?”
The officer looked between us before addressing Silas’s question. “He seems to have gone missing, and you are an emergency contact. Have you seen him lately?”
I shook my head slowly and pretended to think about it.
The detective across from me eyed Silas before raising his eyebrows in question. “Were you aware of the fire that took place at his residence?”
Hisresidence?
I felt Silas’s hand move to my lower back, a silent reassurance that it was all going to be okay. I focused on the warmth of his skin as I ended the conversation. Siphoning strength from him, I looked directly at the officer, “I have no idea why I would be his contact. I don’t know where he is, and frankly I don't care.” Surprisingly, my voice sounded a lot likeme—the girl who went missing when Bodhi did. Silas apparently agreed, by the way his hand patted my back in approval.
The detective briefly glanced up toward me and I forced a smile, solidifying my statement.
“I understand. If anything else is needed, I will call.”
I watched as the officer retreated to his patrol car that was parked across the street. I could feel Silas’s eyes on me as he waited to see how I’d react. “Did he sayhisresidence?”
Silas answered as we watched the car drive away, “I have a cousin that’s good with stuff like that. He wiped your name from the lease and fixed some other paperwork with your name on it.”
I shifted toward Silas, realizing that was probably how he had the videos of me. “Good withwhatstuff?”
Silas leaned in to wrap his arm around me, pausing to make sure it was okay. When I nodded, he pulled me close, talking into the top of my head before kissing it. “Stuff that help keep you safe.”
When I looked up at him, I saw just how exhausted he was. His fatigue was not only external. I saw it in his shoulders and in the lines of his face. The more I looked at him, the more I realized that he had drained himself. “Have you been sleeping?” The only response I got was when the corner of his mouth tugged up as he grinned at me. A slight pain ran through my heart when I realized how forced the gesture was. I missed seeing his genuine smile.I missed him.
Another flare of something erupted inside of me, and I was angry again. How dare one person think they had the power to take away other people's happiness. I didn’t deserve that, and neither did Silas. He had done nothing but be patient with me. He had also given me all the time I needed, extending his time off work to just sit next to me in shared silence. Not once had he tried to make me speak or do anything that would upset me. In fact, every physical interaction we’d had, he waited to be given some kind of permission. Even though he was not the one to dothis damage, he was the one repairing it—staying hyperaware of how things could affect me. The words were out of my mouth before my brain had time to stop them. “Thank you.”
His eyes widened so fast I thought I’d imagined it, but then they softened, along with his face. I barely heard the words he mumbled as he exhaled. “Don’t do that.”
I swallowed, pulling at the strings inside of me, the ones I’d recently contemplated hanging myself with. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.” My lips trembled as I pushed out the next words. “And really, I’m just sorry about everything. I don’t want you to feel responsible for healing me.”
