Page 166 of Don't Fall for the Goalie
Oh no.
Gram struts inside wearing skin-tight black yoga pants with NAMASTE written across the ass in giant pink sequins. She’s also wearing a matching glittery headband, oversized sunglasses, and a tank top that says BENDY & HORNY.
I choke on air.
Allie takes one look at her and folds in half, laughing, her forehead on the mat.
Harper grabs my arm, looking mortified. “Gram,” she hisses loudly. “What are you doing here?”
She shrugs like it’s obvious. “Got banned from my last class. Something about‘disrupting the sacred energy’when I tried to drop into a split to prove a point.” A grin curls her lips. “I farted and ripped my pants.”
I duck my head, trying hard not to howl with laughter.
“There she is!” Gram yells. I lift my head and groan from the glint in her eyes. I want the floor to swallow me whole.
The instructor blinks rapidly, as if she isn’t quite sure what to do with Gram. Which is valid, honestly.
The entire class stares at Gram like she's an alien who crash-landed directly into the yoga studio.
Breathe.Just breathe.
Gram marches across the studio, carrying a leopard-print yoga mat under one arm. “Oh, good,” she says loudly. “You saved me a spot.”
“I absolutely did not.”
Gram ignores me and drops her mat directly beside mine.
The instructor clears her throat carefully. “Welcome…”
“Lucinda,” Gram says proudly. “But my friends call meflexible.” She beams at the bewildered instructor. “I brought my own mat. And snacks.”
Harper groans. “You can’t eat during yoga.”
She unrolls her mat and pulls a granola bar from her bra, ignoring her.
Harper makes a strangled noise.
Allie is laughing so hard she’s crying into her yoga mat.
I’m going to die here.
The instructor looks like she regrets every life decision that led her to this moment.
She claps her hands and begins the class. “Let’s start with some deep breathing.”
Everyone inhales.
Gram exhales loud enough to shake the windows. “Namaste means your energy greets my energy,” Gram loudly whispers to me.
“I know, Gram.”
“I think your goalie greets you with his tongue.”
I nearly faceplant on my mat. “Gram!” I hiss.
Harper collapses onto the floor, laughing.
“What?” she whispers loudly. “I saw the bathroom videos online. That man looked downright biblical coming out of there.”
