Page 81 of Riding High

ChapterSeventeen

Jed leaned his arms over Rey’s stable door and smiled at the sleepy expression on her face.She’d been brilliant today as they’d chased down the British Polo Championship title, but the Castle Kings only scraped in third.

It wasn’t bloody good enough.Troyden didn’t pay him a huge salary to be satisfied with third place.It was just another in a series of fuck-ups lately.Jesus.

‘Brooding, Jedson?’

He turned his head to look at Troyden, hands in the pockets of his grey-and-black checked pants.His white shirt had a frayed cuff, but his cufflinks were, he thought, turn of the century and by Fabergé.

‘Dad,’ he murmured, dropping his arms and rubbing his jaw.‘Sorry about today.’

Rey stuck her nose over her stable door and nuzzled Troyden’s shoulder.He instinctively hooked his arm around her neck, leaning into her.His eyes didn’t leave Jed’s face.‘You only call me Dad when you want to make appoint or when you are feeling particularly sorry for yourself.’

He shrugged, not able to deny the charge.Sorry for himself, flat, lost, at sea.Any of the above worked.But bottom line… ‘You pay me to win.I didn’t do that.’

Troyden jerked his head, and Jed followed him to the bench outside the tack room door.Troyden sat down, crossed his legs and Jed sat down next to him, his arms on his thighs.‘Do you think your only value to me is that you win?’

Jed rubbed the back of his neck.He didn’t want to say yes, but couldn’t say no.As much as he wanted to think otherwise, he still believed love was conditional and tied to what he could offer.But he couldn’t tell Troyden that.

‘You pay me a huge salary.You deserve to have your team win.’

‘And it does, more often than not,’ Troyden replied.‘God, you worry me, Jed.’

Jed jerked.‘How?’

‘When are you going to stop believing that you have to earn your right to be a part of this family?’Troyden demanded, obviously frustrated.

‘I—’ How was he supposed to answer that?

Troyden linked his hands around his knee and leaned back.‘Of all my children, you were the most challenging, Jed.I made bigger mistakes with you, and they caused deeper wounds.I regret that so much.’

What was he talking about?‘I don’t understand.’

‘I don’t think I realised, until recently, how much you were affected by your mum telling you that you had to make yourself indispensable if you wanted to be accepted… or something like that.’

Jed frowned at him.‘You knew about that?’

Troyden’s jaw hardened.‘I did, and your mum and I had such a fight about it.Man, I lost it.’

He did?‘Why?’

‘Why?’Troyden shouted.‘Because you were a kid, and no one, especially not your mum, should’ve put that much pressure on you.And here’s an answer: because it was fucking bullshit!’

Jed’s eyes widened at Troyden dropping an f-bomb.He was properly upset.‘My love for you was never dependent on what you did or how you acted, and I’m gutted to think that you still believe that you have to prove your worth.’

He could deny it, but that would be yet another lie.‘I don’twantto believe it, Dad.It’s just… there.’He sighed, every atom of air leaving his body.‘Do we have to talk about this?’

‘Yes, I think we do.Explain it to me, Jedson.’

Did he have to?And how?But because this was Troyden, he’d try.‘I believe love comes with expectations and risks, and I’m terrified of not making the grade, of failing.Of being rejected and being left behind.’

He stared at the stable floor, his vision a little wavy.He felt Troyden’s hand on his back and it steadied him.‘Love is conditional.’

‘Not in this family, Jedson.’It was a relief to hear the determination in his voice, the power.The ‘I’ve got this so you can relax’.Troyden kept his hand on his back, the slow circles reassuring.‘I failed you, Jed.’

Jed frowned at him, shocked.‘Don’t be absurd!’

Troyden shook his head.‘You were always so adult, so damn responsible.And as you grew into adulthood, I let go of the reins and let you take over, mostly because I’m a lazy, selfish git.I pick up young women and let them use me because I knew that you wouldn’t let it go too far.I knew that you’d put your foot down, so I didn’t need to.You are the family backstop, the one everyone turns to… when it should’ve been me.I abdicated responsibility and you picked it up out of some misplaced sense of emotional debt.’