Page 29 of Scars
I don’t want to let him go, but when he pulls back, I am forced to. Reaching over, I grab his glasses and hand them to him, watching carefully as he takes in our surroundings.
“Wh…” He clears his throat. “Why aren’t we in my room? Well, I mean, my hospital room?”
I grab the water that I had one of the kitchen staff bring up, as well as a tray of his favorite snacks—thank fuck for Ignacio and Lio’s help there. Handing the water over, I answer him. “Because you needed the comfort of a familiar space after the day you had. Doc and Javi only argued a little. I’m to call them if I feel you need to be back in their care, but for now, you’re in mine.”
He flinches, and…something inside me goes cold.
“You don’t have to babysit me,” he whispers. “I know you’re busy. I know…you have a lot going on with the Senator, and Lio and Roman are still on suicide watch. Hollis…did he start therapy yet? He looked exhausted when he came to see me. How’s Jude doing? I heard Antonio got his plastic surgery?”
“There’s always going to be something going on, Benjamin. Even after we put that fucking bastard Senator down. None of that means you’re not important to me. That I’m not going to be here when you need me.”
The look he gives me is unreadable.
I stand from the bed, staring down at him. “Is that it then, Topolino? Am I not giving you enough attention? I can fix that, easily. If you need me, I’m right here.”
“I can’t give you what you want, Ten. I…I can’t watch you break yourself into more pieces because of me.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “I don’t like repeating myself. Yet I will, for as long as it takes for you to believe I am all in with you, Benjamin.”
“But I don’t know if I can be.”
Everything in me grinds to a halt as I stare into his wide, tear-filled sea green eyes. His breathing stutters, and he clutches at his chest, visibly shaking.
Fuck.
Climbing back onto the bed, I grab him and roughly pull him into me, wrapping myself around him and holding him as tightly as possible. I’m probably hurting him. His incision might be healed, but it’s still tender sometimes. Benjamin doesn’t even flinch, though.
I’m sure this is a moment where Doc and Javi are expecting to get a call, but fuck that. We’re doing things my way now. That doesn’t include drugging my Baby Mouse. Not unless he does something to put himself in danger, and even then, I can handle him. I have scars on both my skin and soul to prove that.
When his cries slow and become sniffles, I ask, “Is this it, Topolino? Have I lost you? Is… Am I too much?”
“You?!” he shrieks, scrambling out of my arms. I let him go, but he doesn’t move far. He just sits in front of me, his eyes red-rimmed and wide. “You’re not too much of anything, Ten. You…you’re fucking perfect, and you can do so much better than me. I…I don’t know who I am anymore, Tennant, or if I ever did. I had my first session with Anderson, and he…he said some things that made me think.”
I frown. “If he said anything out of line…”
“No!” he rushes to say. “No, nothing like that… Just…he gave me some things to think about. I…don’t know how to take most of them, because fucking hell, I would know, wouldn’t I? I’ve spent enough time with Lio, and have seen how he was with Allesandro, how he is with you… I would know.”
“You know what?” I wonder if he can hear the tremble of…fucking hell, I don’t know what to call the sickening feeling running through me. What I do know is that my control isshot, and it’s hard to keep my tone level. “I want to help you, Benjamin. I…fuck, Iloveyou, you fucking asshole. I know Javi will fucking lecture me about privacy and confidentiality, but fuck him. Talk to me, Benjamin. Not Javi, not Anderson.Me.”
“And say what? That as much as I love you, and believe you love me…I don’t know if we love each other enough to get through life together… Or if it was just…if you were just there for me when I needed someone, and what we have is as toxic as Cristian and Allesandro being together.”
“Do you really believe that? Do you think I would have turned my entire fucking life upside down for you if it wasn’t real for me? I let Hollis touch you. I let you in, Benjamin. Let you see the monster inside and live to tell about it. I let you leash me. You’re the calm in the storm, Topolino. Or do you not believe it’s real?”
His lips part and he holds himself around the middle. I desperately want to touch him, but I know we need to do this. Once and for all. For better or worse…
“You only noticed me when I was Lio’s Second. You trained me to be better. Taught me how to never be in a position where someone could have power over me again, but…what about the other things, Tennant? What about the parts of me that aren’t that?
“I…I know the type you go for. Roman and Lio are stabby twinks. Hollis and Jude are both pillars of strength. What about me? What am I?”
“You’re everything to me, Benjamin. Fuckingeverything.” Reaching out, I tug at his arms, encouraging him to hold my hands. “I’m sorry, Benjamin. I'm so fucking sorry for failing you. For failing to see how much you’re hurting. If…if this is about your stress levels, about how you haven’t had any time to play your games…”
He scowls. “I thought therapy was confidential?”
“You talked to Anderson about your love of video games?”
He shrugs. “A little.”
“Good. And don’t worry, he didn’t tell me anything, except that you needed time because you had a rough session and…came to a few realizations? Anyway, Ignacio off-handedly mentioned it. He was concerned because your hospital room doesn’t have a TV.” Squeezing his hands, I wait until he looks me in the eye before I say, “I’m so fucking sorry for failing you, Benjamin. I…this isn’t an excuse, but I’m not used to having to play those stupid ‘get to know you’ games. Roman isn’t exactly quiet about his likes and dislikes. Neither are Hollis and Jude.”
