Page 32 of Scars
“It sounds like you’ve gotten better at that on your own,” I reply gently, my lips twisting into an awkward half-smile.
The reminder that he’s gone through such a transition without me hurts, but all I can do is be there for him now.Because I will. I don’t think I realized just how much I missed this…missed our connection.
“Eh, Daddy is a feels whisperer.” His eyes widen as he says it with a hushed reverence, and I collapse against him, my uncontrollable laughter turning into tears. I let him hold me through the emotional storm that's ripping through my soul.
He holds me close, murmuring words that I can’t even make out, but I soak it up. I soak up the love he gives so freely…and the forgiveness. It brings on another round of tears, and fuck, I wonder if I’ll be dehydrated after all these stupid crying jags.
It helps that he doesn’t toss me out, even if I don’t understand it. But my homicidal teddy bear has always been that way. So many have overlooked the teddy bear aspect. Sure, he’ll kill someone without blinking, but he also forgives in such a way that it puts all of us to shame…
Eventually, I pull away with a sigh. I have no idea how to explain everything else, but I know, out of everyone, Lio will listen. And maybe he can help my twisted, tangled thoughts.
“Uh, so, speaking of Daddy… I had my first session with Anderson.”
“Really?” Lio’s face lights up. “That’s awesome! He’s really good, isn’t he? I had my doubts at first, but the more I get to know him, the better I feel about working with him.”
I smile softly, loving seeing this side of Lio. Still, when I think about what I have to say, my smile slips away. “Uh, yeah. I really liked him. But…”
“What?” Lio asks, his brow furrowing as he stares at me. “Was he mean? Do you want me to talk to Javi? Or Tennant?”
“No,” I respond quickly, struggling to find the words. Eventually, it spews out. “He…he thinks I’m a Middle.”
Lio cocks his head to the side, confusion written on his face. His honest transparency is refreshing, particularly given how I’ve been trying to get through each day. “What do you mean?”
“Uh, well, I guess Anderson pieced it together. Partially from things Ignacio said, like my video games, and fuck, I don’t know. Eventually, it got too overwhelming to think about, and I had a massive panic attack. Then Tennant kidnapped me, and well, that didn’t go very well. We’re working shit out, but…he seems to think I’m a Middle too.”
Lio shrugs at me. “I don’t really think it’s up to them to decide, though, is it? It’s your life, your choice. I know you were pretty interested in kink before that fucker kidnapped you, but when you came back…”
Staring up at the ceiling, I try to put things together so they make sense, but fuck…nothing does. So all I can do is speak from the heart, and hope he can help me.
“I read up on it,” I whisper, unable to look at Lio. “It makes sense. And I see how happy you are when you regress. I want that. Desperately. But you still manage to be a badass Boss, and I couldn’t even cut it as a Second. Like, what use would I be if I am a Middle? What, just play video games all day?”
“Benjamin, you don’t have to be a Second, or a Voice, or anything other than what you want. You’re valid as you are. Maybe that means you go back to being our kickass, sadistic physical therapist. Maybe that means you take time off. Who knows? What matters is that you find happiness.”
I give a watery laugh at that. “I haven’t been happy for a long time. I tried. I put myself in the boxes. I tried to give you what you needed, and I failed. I tried to love Ignacio, and I failed. I tried to live up to Tennant’s reputation, and I failed. Everything about me is a failure.
“I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I Middle? I mean, I can see how I am when I don't get time with my games. And it’s more than just playing them for fun with me. I haven’t experimented with my makeup in forever. So many things arejust lost. Gone. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to find myself again.
“Hell, I haven’t even told my family that Ignacio and I broke up because I know they’d be so absolutely devastated. He loved me so much.”
“And sometimes love isn’t enough,” Lio murmurs. “Right now, he’s happy with who he's with. There’s no reason you can’t find a way to be friends again, but you need to focus on yourself first.
“You need to be honest. With yourself, with me, with Daddy. Most of all, you need to give yourself time to try new things. Maybe you’re a Middle, maybe you’re not. We won’t be angry one way or another. There’s no expectations, other than the ones you shackle yourself to. Because I promise you, we don’t put those on you—that’s your own mind playing games.”
“It’s even more than video games,” I finally admit. “It’s how the rules with Il Padrone helped. It’s how we interacted. While you regress to younger, I regress to more of a pre-teen or teen level. I’m…not sure yet. I don’t know enough about it.”
Lio laughs. “Welcome to the world of kink. We all start somewhere. Hell, Papa Bear didn’t know anything about being a Daddy until me. But he met me on my level because he wanted to give that to me. I…I know you hate him. But please, try to understand that there’s more between us than what happened.”
This time, I manage to meet Lio’s eyes, and before I answer, I dig deep, trying to figure out the confusing mess of feelings inside. Sighing, I say, “I don’t hate Allesandro, or Sandro, or whatever. Not when you love him. As your best friend, I’ll admit, I was pissed, but I also know how much he helps you. And that’s all I want. For you to be happy. Including with the rest of your loves—your Daddy, Owner, and Roman. I’ll stand by you on that. And anyone else you add.”
Lio giggles, shaking his head. “I think I have all the lovers I could possibly need. You know none of them will replace my best friend, right? It’s you and me. The friendship rules are clear about that. Always.”
“Always,” I repeat, the vow lingering in the air between us.
I won’t fuck up again on that. There’s still more to talk about, but for now, I soak up his steady presence. It’s like a missing piece of my soul slots into place in the silence. I may not have all the answers right now, but I don’t need to, because I know, no matter what, Lio will be by my side. It may be more than I deserve, but fuck if I won't ever turn it away. The time for pushing him away has to end, because I’m being given another chance.
Therapy isn’t going to be easy, but if it can help me put together my shattered pieces, it’ll be worth it. I desperately want to keep my Nocciola and my homicidal teddy bear. I’ve learned what’s precious, and it’s this. This right here. The love I’ve found. I may have to make amends elsewhere, but for now, I have this, and that’ll be enough. I can only hope the rest works out as well…
Itry not to think about what Lio and Benjamin are discussing. I'm not jealous. I know they're best friends…or were. It's the uncertainty of where Benjamin stands, and how he'll react to the knowledge Lio and I are more than friends now that worries me. I can handle Benjamin, but my love is soft and way too forgiving for his own good. The last thing he needs is to find his heart broken—again.
