Page 98 of Penny For Your Thoughts
Diem
Ididn’t go straight to the office. My blood pressure was through the roof, and I skirted the edge of control. I’d promised him. I’d fucking promised, and I was so sure the plan would roll out smoothly that I didn’t pay close enough attention.
Christ, he was a fucking kid.
Echo frantically licked my face and fingers, crawling halfway over the middle console so she could rest a paw on my leg and nuzzle my ear. She chuffed and whined and made all her doggie noises to get my attention. I tried to reassure her I was okay, but she knew better. Every time the red curtain of rage threatened to descend, she barked, snapping me back into focus, keeping me on safer ground.
I wanted to punch something. Throw up. Scream until my throat was raw.
When I was able to drive, I consoled Echo and steered aimlessly down random streets until I landed at an LCBO. The bright aisles ofliquor beyond the window taunted me, and I wanted desperately to answer their call. Oblivion was within grasping range. All I had to do was reach out and take it.
Aslan told me to contact him if I was taken by a craving so fierce I couldn’t control it, but that assumed I wanted to refrain from drinking. That assumed I gave a shit about sobriety. At that moment, with everything that had happened, I didn’t. I wanted nothing more than to shut off the strobing rage blinding me, and there was only one way to do that.
I leashed Echo and went inside, stalking up and down the aisles with my skin on fire and nerves snapping and popping. For whatever reason, nothing appealed to me, and the indecision pissed me off further.Just grab and go.Since when did it matter? I wasn’t picky. I was fucking desperate.
I made another pass, slowly wandering every aisle, studying the bottles, but as I came to the end, I remained empty-handed. If I bought a bottle, I would drink the whole goddamn thing. Tallus wouldn’t say shit, but he would get that look in his eyes. Not disappointment, but pity. Pity because I struggled. Pity because he didn’t know how to help. Pity because he knew how much I would hate myself when I sobered up.
I didn’t want pity.
The weight of the phone in my pocket taunted me.Call Aslan. Stop the moment before it rolls out of control.
But I didn’t want to. I wanted the oblivion. I wanted to turn the switch off inside my brain so I didn’t have to feel anything. Numbness was the goal.
I didn’t need anyone’s help. I was a grown-ass man who had been taking care of himself for years. If I wanted a fucking drink, I would have a fucking drink.
But what about Darcy?
If I didn’t keep my wits about me, I was never going to find him.
“Goddammit.” I stopped short of kicking a shelf of bottles.
Echo pressed her body against my leg, peering up with innocent golden eyes so full of love.
I aimed for the door, but as I passed the front, the display of single-shot bottles, those impulse items they always stocked near the cash registers, caught my eye. That.Thatwas what I needed. I grabbed three. Enough to settle the storm but not enough to fuck me up.
Balance.
See? I was fucking fine.
In the Jeep, I cracked the lids and downed them together, savoring the burn as the liquid slid down my throat and pooled in my belly. Blistering heat followed by a cooling balm. Relief. But the second they were gone, I learned how those three tiny bottles were also enough to unleash a wave of guilt and shame. Disappointment. Self-hatred.
This wasn’t control. This was the definition of addiction.
What was wrong with me? Why was it so fucking hard to say no?
Three shots did nothing more than ignite the itch under my skin. I wanted to go back inside the store and get more. A twenty-sixer. A forty.
As a consolation prize, I lit one of Darcy’s cigarettes and told myself it was good enough. Lies. It wasnotgood enough. The smoke barely took the edge off, but I started the engine and left the store before I could make the situation worse.
Tallus was already at the office by the time I arrived, seated at his desk, tapping away at the laptop. I entered wearing a cloak of guilt. One look from my observant boyfriend told me he saw everything.Let’s have a round of applause forPity,ladies and gentlemen.
“Where have you been?”
I didn’t answer and asked my own question. “What have you found?”
He stared for another beat before refocusing on the laptop screen. “The Bentley is registered to fifty-three-year-old Lukyan Andrich.” He rotated the computer so I could see what he’d discovered.
The face of a good-looking middle-aged man stared back at me.
