Page 69 of Dance for Me
I came here to be alone, to drink and distract myself numb. I came here to forget, but apparently, I didn’t know what I needed.
“I trusted him, I let him in, I—” Another broken sob escapes and Wade’s arms tighten a fraction.
“I know. I know Harper,” he replies, but I’m already shaking my head against his chest, tears falling freely now. He doesn’t understand, how could he. I left my trust with the wrong personagain. I let the people in my life downagain. I let Sadie downagain. She had to sit there, listening to that agent force her past upon her, call her a junkie. Painting us as the criminal sister duo they all believe us to be.
I wanted to kill him. I would have killed him, but when everything was said and done, Sadie only said one thing to me before leavingCirque, “Mine.”
The revenge was hers to claim, and I would let her dealwith it however she wanted. How could I argue, when this whole thing was my fault to begin with?
“I knew better,” I whisper against Wade’s chest, sure that his plain black t-shirt is now patterned with highlighter and smeared mascara.
Wade sighs deeply before answering, “It doesn’t matter what we think we know, people can always surprise you. But someone else’s choices and actions will not stop you from living.”
He doesn’t say it as a question, it’s a fact. That this will not break me. But Ifeelbroken.
“You don’t understand, I can’t even escape him now. I have to walk into work in two days and act like I’m fine,” I tell him, “How am I supposed to be fine.”
He chuckles softly, his body vibrating with the laughter. He wraps his large hands around my shoulders, peeling me away from his body until we are eye to teary eye.
“I do understand. I understand more than you know, so believe me when I tell you that you will survive this. You will see him and you will stand tall.”
It’s one of the only times Wade’s hinted at his past, romantic or otherwise and despite my desire to press him for information, I understand what him sharing means. So, I keep the nosy desires to myself and ask the question I already know the answer to.
“Do you regret it, loving them?”
He answers immediately, no hesitation as the ghost of a smile touches his features in memory of that love.
“No. I could never regret loving her. I thought for a long time I hated her for what she did to me, for how she betrayed me.”
“But you don’t hate her?” I ask, again already knowing the answer. There is still a reverence in the way he speaks of this mystery woman, a mixture of wariness and affection.
“No, I don’t hate her,” he shakes his head slowly.
“Do you still love her?” I ask, needing to hear him say no. That you can’t love someone who hurts you like this. That loving someone who can lie and manipulate you is wrong, unfathomable even. I need him to tell me that she isn’t worth loving, that he is over it. That his heart doesn’t still call to hers.
I need him to tell me no.
This time, the pause feels like big enough to span a lifetime. He doesn’t break eye contact, doesn’t try to shy away from the prying question. In this moment I realize how similar we are, not just in heartbreak, but in the way we chose to put ourselves back together. Focusing on work, careers, family, anything to avoid feeling like this again. He said I would survive this because he did. I don’t want to just survive this, I want to move past this, move past him.
Wade pulls me back to his chest and I think he isn’t going to answer me.
“I never stopped,” he whispers into the noisy bar, but his words are sharp as they pierce my fragile heart. I lean into Wade’s hold, letting the tears run their course.
Tonight, I will cry and wallow.
Tonight, I will feel sorry for myself.
And tomorrow, I will perform.
After all, what’s a circus without their ringleader?
33
COLTON
All night I tossed and turned, my bed feeling empty and cold. In such a short time, I got used to having her beside me, the piece missing that had finally eased my restless mind and lulled me into sleep.
Now it feels somehow worse, like knowing how quieted my mind became when she was with me makes the noise seem even louder without her. Another punishment for the pain I’ve caused.
