Page 41 of The Silent Bride
‘Maybe a water?’
‘Sure.’ He disappears into the kitchen for a moment and I hear the whoosh of the tap from next door.
I wonder what I’m even doing here. What will it achieve? Am I supposed to have a sudden rush of memory? Will things become clearer? I doubt it.
Seth returns and, as he hands me the cool glass, I feel myself cringing back.
I catch his brief, hurt scowl before he rearranges his features into a more neutral expression. ‘How are you?’ he grunts, sitting down on the sofa opposite.
I’m grateful for the barrier the glass coffee table forms between us. I’m not sure why. I suddenly remember an argument we had in this very room a few months ago. I’d wanted Seth to come out that evening to meet my friends, but he’d said his time was too precious. That he’d come to Hampshire to see me, not a bunch of strangers. That we only had two days together each week so why would we want to waste time with other people? I’d tried to explain how important my friends were, and that I thought it would be good for them to meet, but Seth simply didn’t get it.
The conversation deteriorated and Seth ended up telling me that if my friends were so important then why didn’t I just go outwith them instead. It was a ridiculous argument, but thankfully I managed to tease and cajole him back into a good mood. From then on, I made sure to put him first, and never pressed the issue of him wanting to spend all his time with only me. I was flattered that I meant so much to him. But looking back on it, I wonder if it was a mistake to capitulate so easily.
‘Alice ...’ he prompts, one eyebrow slightly raised.
‘Sorry, I was just ... never mind. What did you say?’
‘Just wondered how you are. How your week’s been. I know you went to the flat.’ He fixes me with a questioning stare.
I flush under his gaze. ‘Your neighbour told you.’
‘Rob sent me a text, yeah.’ Seth is still staring at me as though he’s trying to read my mind.
I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll give you back your keys.’
‘It’s fine. Alice, I want us to make this work.’ He leans forward. ‘Did you go there to find answers?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not sure.’
‘And?’
I shrug. Silence hangs between us.
‘So, what else has been happening?’ he asks.
I wrench my mind back to the present, trying to recall this past week. I decide not to tell him about my counselling sessions with Laurence. Seth has never been Laurence’s biggest fan. He can’t understand why one of my best friends is a man. I’ve reassured Seth time and again that Laurence is like a brother to me and Daisy, but he just doesn’t get it. He thinks Laurence must be after something more.
‘I don’t think I told you, but I had my MRI scan last Friday,’ I say, pushing down the cuticle of my left forefinger with my thumbnail.
‘That’s good. Have you had the results yet? I wish I could have come with you. I want to support you in all this, Alice. Istill don’t know what’s going on here. Do you really not recognise me?’ He leans forward and I sense his gaze, but I don’t look up. Since the non-wedding, he asks me this same question every time he sees me.
‘The scan was clear,’ I reply, ignoring his other question. ‘Thankfully they didn’t find any lesions on my brain.’ I try not to think about the sheer terror I felt at the hospital yesterday. The cold sweats and racing heart.
Seth exhales. ‘Well that’s good. So it’s not prosopagnosia.’
‘They don’t think so. No.’
‘So, if it’s not that, then what the hell is it? Do they have any other possible diagnoses?’
I turn my attention to the cuticle of my third finger. ‘I wish I knew.’
‘And you honestly don’t?’ he pushes.
‘No. I already told you. Why would I lie about something like this? What would be the point?’ I glance up to see his dark expression and immediately look back down.
‘I have no idea,’ he replies moodily, flopping back against the sofa cushions.
Something in his tone sparks a memory in me. Or maybe it’s just the feeling of a memory. Something not entirely clear. Like I’m remembering the shape of a conversation through a blurred lens. I try to grab hold of it, but it slides away so quickly that I’m not even sure it was real.
