Page 74 of The Wife
I give a start and raise my head at the sound of my mother-in-law’s voice.
‘Celia?’ My voice is croaky. ‘You made me jump. I didn’t realise you were here.’ Although, now I think of it, the scent of her White Linen perfume is all around me, catching in the back of my throat.
The light from Celia’s phone blinks on, illuminating her face, making it appear distorted in the otherwise darkened room. She’s sitting near the end of my bed tapping something into her mobile.
I take a breath and try to summon the energy to sit up. I’m still wearing my clothes and the top of my jeans is digging into my stomach, my jumper itches and I feel sweaty and gross. I could really do with a long drink of water and a cool shower. Now that I’ve eased myself upright, I can’t seem to catch my breath. My whole body is tingling and I’m light-headed and dizzy.
‘Is there any water? Where’s Toby?’ My tongue feels thick in my mouth. As if it’s bigger than normal.
‘The boys and Madeline have gone to the spa. Toby said you were so sound asleep he couldn’t wake you, so I persuaded the three of them to have their treatments and a swim. I said you’d feel doubly bad if you thought they’d missed out.’
I can’t imagine them all relaxing in the spa – swimming and enjoying themselves. It doesn’t feel right. Not when Dina is dead.
Dina!
Toby killed her! They were having an affair. I let out a low moan.
‘What wrong?’ Celia asks. ‘Are you okay, Zoe?’
I don’t know what to say to her. I need her to leave. She’s the last person I want to talk to about this. About her son. ‘Celia…’
She holds a finger up, bidding me to wait a moment while she finishes doing whatever she’s doing on the phone.
‘Celia, I don’t feel well.’
‘Just breathe, Zoe.’
‘I… I just need to be on my own for a while. Catch up on my sleep if that’s okay…’
She finally puts her phone down and looks up. ‘Your breathing sounds a bit strange.’
‘I’m fine, just a bit dizzy.’ But I can hear and feel my breaths coming in laboured bursts.
‘Hmm, it sounds like you might be having a panic attack.’
‘No, I’m okay, honestly.’ But actually, I’m having real difficulty breathing and my fingers and toes are tingling. I pull at the neck of my jumper and try to take a deep breath, but nothing seems to be going into my lungs.
‘Believe me, it’s a panic attack,’ Celia says sagely. ‘I’ve seen enough of them in my time. It’s nothing to worry about.’That’s easy for her to say.She uses the light on her phone to guide her as she walks the short distance to my bedside table, where she switches on the side light. I wince against the sudden brightness. ‘There, that’s better. I can get a proper look at you now.’
The rate of my breathing accelerates, but each inhalation feels shallow and useless.
She gazes down at me critically. ‘Are you able to stand up?’
‘I… I don’t know. I’d rather stay here. I feel too shaky to move.’ Why am I so exhausted? ‘Honestly, Celia, I’ll be fine. You should join the others.’
‘Nonsense. Come on,’ she says brightly, ‘up you get.’ She takes hold of my legs and swings them around so they’re off the bed. Then she sits and puts an arm around me, heaving me up. But my legs are unsteady, and my bones feel too soft to support my weight. ‘Let’s get you into that armchair.’
I glance over to see that one of the leaf-print armchairs that was previously by the window has been placed nearer to the bed. ‘Why can’t I just stay in bed?’
‘You’ve had enough sleep for today, Zoe. It’s making you even more drowsy. You need to sit up for a bit.’
I don’t quite understand her logic, but she is a nurse, so I guess she’s the expert. All I know is that I feel absolutely dreadful – nauseous, dizzy, exhausted and shaky. I let her support me and we make the half dozen shuffling steps over to the chair. Celia is sturdy and capable, and I feel reassured that she won’t let me fall. Finally, I sink gratefully into the armchair. But within seconds, I start to feel awful again. I’m still having real trouble breathing. And there’s a heaviness in my brain. Maybe it’s the weight of my memory. The fact that my marriage is over, and my sister is dead.
‘Where’s my phone?’ I need to call the police. But how can I do that with Celia here? I have to somehow get rid of her. But there’s something really wrong with me. I don’t feel well at all. ‘I feel like I’m going to die.’
‘Shh, you’re fine, Zoe. Just try to calm down. Inhale for five seconds, and exhale for eight.’
I do as she says. Feeling the air come in through my nostrils, but I can’t seem to suck it in any deeper. I try again, and this time it feels a little easier. Once I can get my breathing under control, hopefully I’ll start to feel better and Celia will agree to leave me alone. Then I can make that call.
