I stared at him, the food halfway to my mouth.
“Finish eating,” he signed. “I’ll wait.”
A command, not an invitation. But I set the fork down and told him the truth, “That’s okay. I’m not hungry anymore.”
His face held its usual stony cast, but something sparked behind his black eyes, hot and angry.
“Do I disgust you?” he asked.
It was a trick question, and I knew… I knew I shouldn’t take the bait. But year two of our marriage already felt like year twenty, and I had to ask, “Isn’t that what you want? To shame and disgust me?”
His shoulders shook, and his lips lifted slightly. Almost a laugh. Almost a smile. But not quite.
“Do you care about what I want now, D-liar?”
Okay, so he’d chosen a new name sign for me. D-Liar obviously wasn’t the one I’d given him back in Japan.
I made myself not react. Don’t give him anything. Don’t show emotion. Otherwise, he wins.
So I changed the subject by untying my robe. I let it drop to the ground, revealing my naked body.
Thanks to that lapsed gym membership, I’d regained 20 of the forty pounds I’d lost. Maybe it would turn him off. But no, his eyes darkened at the sight of me.
And just like that, it was on.
There was no bare-knuckle pre-fight this time. But Anniversary #2 went much the same as Anniversary #1. Marathon sex, lots of orgasms, and a roller coaster of intense shame and even more intense desire. Followed by a shower.
Relief was beginning to set in, along with the shame and guilt by the time we fell into bed. Yes, he completely turned me out again, but at least it would be over soon. He’d finally let me sleep, and I looked forward to him being gone when I woke up tomorrow morning, just like last time.
However, instead of switching off the light, Victor turned to face me in bed and signed, “You plan to start as a student at the Rhode Island Design School in the fall?”
I paused. A flightless bird who had been spotted by a predator.
He knew. He already knew. There would be no three-month reprieve.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how to answer. I wasn’t sure my voice would work, even if I could. Until that moment, I hadn’t realized how much I’d been looking forward to being able to hold on to my dream for the entire summer. He’d collapsed my world, crushed all of my hopes, with just one question.
But my silence was answer enough for him.
“Good idea,” he signed. “I was searching for other things to take away from you.”
Again, I didn’t answer. If I tried, I would cry. And I didn’t want to give Victor the satisfaction.
His lips twisted into a cruel smirk. Then he turned back over and switched off the bedside light.
I was right about him being gone when I woke up. However, it was impossible to feel relieved. His threat hung in the air long after he departed. I checked my student account every day after he left, every day of the summer. But my enrolled status never changed. And eventually, it was time for me to start my second first-year orientation.
That’s when I realized…this was another one of his monster games. He was waiting, just like he waited through dinner and all of my chatter that first anniversary. He’d waited, and then he’d taken everything away that had made my prison sentence bearable.
It was truly diabolical when you think about it. Letting me have something so that he could take it away whenever he wanted. If I didn’t hate him so very much, I would have been impressed at his total monster skills.
I started classes at RhIDS the following September. And I loved going to school this time around. Art school was the opposite of drudging out a degree in Biological Sciences at Mount Holyoke. Studying how to do something I loved was everything I thought it would be and more. Finally, I was allowed to throw myself into my art. I didn’t have to squeeze it into my hobby hours. I ate, drank, and slept animation. And unlike the younger students who grumbled about the 24/7 schedule, I was happy to give learning to animate well all my time and energy.
Finally attending RhIDS was a dream come true.
But the threat of Victor snatching my dream away from me continued to hang over my head. How would he do it, and when? Was there any way to fight it if he did? I loved going to school. I loved it so much….
Swick! Swick! Swick!
The memory of the underground garage dropped down every time I thought about escaping his tyranny. That was the sound the silenced gun had made as he shot that guy, again and again.
So I grounded myself in the present. I directed all of my emotions and all of my mental energy into art. That was the only option I had, the only thing I could do until May 25th.
