Which reminded me that I had agreed to host Group B’s soft presentations this weekend. Good thing I was making Victor dinner tonight. I could let him know people would be coming over.
With that thought in mind, I rushed out of class like a goat freed from its pen as soon as Jacoby said we could go.
“Hey, Dawn! Dawn, hold up!” a voice called out behind me as I headed straight toward the pickup circle to meet Wayne.
The voice belonged to Asher. With a smidge of guilt, I sped up, trying to pretend I didn’t hear him.
I had been full-on avoiding Asher ever since Victor and I came to our agreement. I mean, our marriage wasn’t real in the emotional sense. And we hadn’t made each other any promises that extended beyond May 25th. But I still felt bad about talking to another guy behind Victor’s back, even if he was only my husband on paper.
Besides, what would I say to Asher, even if I wasn’t having these weird grey-area guilt issues around my marriage? What good way was there to explain that Victor and I had decided to act as if we were really a couple until we quite permanently weren’t?
The answer was zero. There was no good way to explain this crazy thing I was doing with Victor. So I’d been going out of my way for the last few weeks not to.
I’d hoped to go on not explaining myself for a few weeks more. Like, at least until May 25th. But no dice. Quick running steps sounded behind me. Then there was Asher, tapping me on the shoulder so that I couldn’t possibly pretend I didn’t hear or see him.
“Oh, hey, Asher,” I said, trying to keep all the dread out of my voice. “Can we talk later? I’m in a huge rush.”
Maybe he’d pick up on my cue and just pretend we were friends. Just friends. Who could talk later? Like, say after May 25th.
“So you’ve been avoiding me ever since your husband showed up and kissed you in front of the whole class,” he said, without any serious conversation lube whatsoever.
Wow, no dice again. I’m beginning to understand why they call that Vegas game craps.
“Um, yeah…yeah, I guess I have,” I admitted. “I just didn’t know what to say.”
“So, are you guys back together now?”
“Sort of…at least for a little while. It’s complicated.”
“So you were just leading me on?” Asher shook his head, irritation and disappointment flashing across his face. “When were you planning on telling me about this?”
I inwardly grimaced with the feeling that he probably wouldn’t love my true answer. Which was, Never. It hadn’t even occurred to me to have this conversation with you, dude. Only avoid it.
Instead, I went with, “I can see how this must look from your side of things. But I wasn’t trying to lead you on. Seriously.”
Asher considered my words, his expression becoming even more anxious and confused. “So you’re not getting a divorce?”
“Oh, no, I’m going to get a divorce. I’m definitely going to get a divorce…”
I paused when instead of the usual glee I felt when I thought about no longer being handcuffed to Victor, a wave of sadness passed over me. Wait, what was that? Did I really want to be with Victor any longer than I had to be?
“So, can I still ask you out in June?” Asher asked before I could answer that question.
The technical answer was yes. But for some reason, I couldn’t get the word out. My stomach rolled when I tried, and my throat clogged up like I was trying to spit out a rock. So I just kind of vaguely nodded.
My queasiness must not have translated to my expression because Asher grinned like he just won the lottery. “Okay, I’ll wait until you’re free and ask you out in June like we said. I mean, that’s cool, since we’ll both be in Pittsburgh after graduation now.”
What Victor and I had wasn’t real. I knew that more than anyone, no matter how well we’d done over the last few weeks at pretending. But guilt churned in my stomach at the thought of actively planning to get together with another guy while I was still married to Victor.
It didn’t matter if what Victor and I had was real. This felt wrong, just plain wrong. “Asher, you shouldn’t do that. Don’t wait for—”.
“Don’t worry. It’s cool, seriously.” Asher stepped closer and lowered his voice. “By the way, I missed you at Group A’s soft presentations on Sunday.”
Another wave of guilt cycled through me. I was hosting Group B’s presentations this upcoming Sunday, but I had skipped out on the Group A ones at the beginning of the week.
Mainly to hang out with Victor. But also because I hadn’t wanted to put myself in a situation where Asher could corner me and ask me what was up with Victor. You know, a situation like this one.
