Page 9 of Venom Sweeter than Honey
Frown deepening, he strides in and takes a seat at my desk chair, propping his face in his hand to quietly study me.
As always, there’s no judgment. Only compassion. The kind reserved for children that only a parent can possess. Which is exactly what Astor has become in these last six months. Why he bothers, I’m not sure.
I draw in a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry I’ve wasted your time, your energy, and your money.
Eternally patient, Astor merely gives a subtle shake of his head. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for.”
But you do.“I imagine you’re regretting this bargain you made and that I won’t be able to fulfill my end of it. I can leave if you want.”
Our bargain was that he would support me financially and whatever else I needed, so long as I stayed out of trouble, focused on school, and, incidentally, did everything my father always hoped—to become an upstanding citizen.
To be safe.
And happy.
I doubt I’ll ever be either of those things.
Much less capable of completing multiple degrees in physics, so that I could pursue a career in all the glorious microcosmic and macrocosmic things that once inspired childlike wonder in me...
Or at least be able to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth without having to rely on Astor’s generosity for the rest of my life.
Again, I feel my parents’ disappointment towards me and my decisions all the way from Heaven.
Or, more likely, Hell.
I can’t help but wonder how many people are out there who are like me because my father and his men killed their parents.
And my mother knew...
Never spoke a word of protest, if the harmony between them was anything to go by.
“I shouldn’t have encouraged you to start school so soon after. That’s my fault. Not yours. I apologize.”
Unbelievable.
How is this man so patient?
Part of me wishes he would just shoot me and be done with it. Put us both out of this misery.
We stare at one another for a while. I’m the first to break the silence.
“As grateful as I am, I don’t understand why you still bother.”
Astor’s expression turns grim.
“I know what it’s like to be broken, Levi... And maybe by giving you what I wish I had at your age, I’m also healing a part of myself.”
I shouldfeelsomething.
Anything.
Instead, I’ve buried the unacknowledged pain so deep inside me that, if it weren’t for the occasional distant muffled roar of rage, heartbreak, and disappointment echoing from the fucking coffin I’ve buried it in—or this fog of apathy clouding every moment of every day when I’m not having a panic attack—I might not even notice that it was there.
Even so, I recognize that it’s only a matter of time before it unearths itself from the tomb I’ve trapped it in.
And if I wasn’t so apathetic, I’d be terrified of what will happen when it does.
