Page 137 of Secret Husband
Jason had told me that with the signing of Arkady, some of Lauren’s former clients had come back to the fold. (Not the ones who had lost money, though Gunnar, Jason, and I had returned their investments. Ingrates, all.) She had even signed Felix Shay. I did not envy her having to deal with the kid’s father, but if anyone could handle that asshole, it was Lauren.
She returned with the glasses, and I opened the champagne and filled the flutes.
She raised a glass. “To new beginnings.”
“A little generic, no?”
Her head snapped back. “Okay, what specificities should we be toasting to?”
“How about, this deck is finished? The gutters are fixed. The walls are painted. The roof still looks a little warped but one thing at a time. A criminal is off the streets. There are new clients. And old ones. You have a grill that looks like a spaceship and the most beautiful thighs of any woman I know. Best of all, there is an Ann Sather cinnamon roll in that bag with your name on it.”
“What?” She picked up the wine shop bag and extracted the plastic box with the gooey pastry.
“Jason told me you like Sweet Mandy B’s iced molasses cookies and cupcakes, but I did not have time to drive there. This will have to do.”
Her eyes turned soft, languorous. “God, I’ve missed you.”
“And I have missed you. Not just for the last month, but for years.” I waited for her to hold up a hand, to tell me to stop right there. But she didn’t. Her silence gave me leave to continue.
This liar had his work cut out for him.
“You told me once that memories might vanish, but the feelings don’t. You were talking about my father, how he might no longer remember me, but he would remember how he felt around me.”
She nodded, those silver eyes wide, drinking me in.
“When it comes to you, neither my memories nor my feelings have vanished. I tried. I was ashamed of how I had treated you all those years ago. If I had gone through the past fifteen years and forgotten you, would that be easier? Maybe. But I haven’t. You’ve been inside me all this time, a vine wrapped around my heart. I don’t think you forgot me, either. The moment we reconnected in Las Vegas, it was clear those old feelings were still there. Tell me it’s not true.”
“I can’t,” she said on a sniff. “I tried to forget, and I actually did a pretty good job, but as soon as we met again in Vegas, that surge of feeling almost drowned me. I might have forgotten the details, but I never forgot how I felt around you. It was overwhelming, all-consuming. I couldn’t trust that high, not when it might eventually come with the lowest of lows.”
I hated that I’d put her through that, but I had to hear her out.
“I think what hurt the most about finding out you lied to me about the wedding wasn’t the lie so much as the waste. We went fifteen years without each other. This whole lifetime we could have been building together. A home, a family …”
I opened my mouth to apologize but stopped to let her continue. This was her moment.
“And now you’d done it again. We were married, but you wasted another year when we could have been together. And I wasted my time on Thad. I understand that your father is important to you, but it still hurt.”
“You are both important. I truly believed that keeping our marriage a secret, even from you, was the only way I could hold onto you. I’d found you again, and now these circumstances were about to rip you away from me. I couldn’t risk it. I didn’t trust you would stay, but most of all I didn’t trust myself, that this version of me was good enough. I was used to keeping secrets. What was one more?”
She nodded. “I get that’s how you saw it. I still don’t agree with how you handled it, but I understand. I wish you could have trusted me, but you’re right: I probably would have bailed. I don’t think I realized how much you had hurt me back in college until I woke up beside you in Las Vegas. My foolish heart had sparked to life in a way I didn’t realize was possible, and I tried my best not to get my hopes up. Only when you texted to say you had to leave did I realize I had done exactly that. And you were gone.”
I reached for her and took her hand. “Not gone. Just unavoidably detained by my complicated life. I’ve been fighting to get back to you ever since. I told my agent to make the trade to Chicago happen, no matter the cost. I started working on care options for my father, all while knowing that we would eventually be here. In your town, in your world, where I could pursue you properly. And yes, it gave me a thrill to know I was your secret husband all this time.”
“Some secrets need to be shared, Alexei.”
“I know this now.” I inclined my head toward her. “I need you, Lauren. Not just because my life is a shit show and my heart breaks every time I look at my father. I need you because you are the only person who can put the pieces of my shattered heart back together.”
She sniffed. “Always with the drama, Nazarov.”
“You will not get out of it so easily with your deflection. I have plenty of drama to deliver.” Those moonlit eyes held me captive, beseeching me to open my heart and tell my truth. “I have loved you forever, Silver Eyes. Since that first night I interrupted your sleep, and you told me to make another girl come and shut the fuck up.”
Chuckling, she swiped at a stray tear. “I had quite the mouth on me.”
“You did. You still do. But you did not date hockey players and you did not seem interested in me.”
“Oh, I was. But I hid it well. I had to. You were too much for me to handle, Alexei.” She swallowed, her eyes glistening with emotion. “And then, after it all fell apart, it was safest to ignore any effort you made to get back in touch. I couldn’t go through it again.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Lauren. I still have a lot to learn about relinquishing control and letting people in. I hope you can teach me.” She was my person, and I wanted to spend every moment learning to love with her. “Do you forgive me?”
