Page 124 of The Same Flesh
“I understand,” Tean said.Calmly.Patiently.Like an adult.“But I need more information.What don’t you like?What can we do differently?”
“It.Looks.Stupid!”And then Daniel scrubbed his hands through his hair, messing up Tean’s latest attempt at a look that didn’t qualify asstupid.When he finished, his cheeks were red, and his chest was rising and falling rapidly.“Never mind.I’m not going.”
“I know you’re frustrated.But yelling at me isn’t helping.It’s making me feel bad.”
Frustration twisted Daniel’s face, and it looked, for a moment, like he might yell some more.But then his features smoothed out—some—and he nodded and mumbled, “Sorry.”
“We’ll figure it out.Maybe Justin can help.”
And in that instant, the furious mask was back again, and Daniel stared at Tean like he might be the stupidest person Daniel had ever met.“Justin and I broke up,” he said in clipped, offended tones.And then he added an exasperated, “God.Where’s Jem?He said he’d help.”
“Something happened” was as close as Tean could come to an honest explanation.“Why don’t we get you dressed, and after that, we’ll try your hair again?I’ll watch some videos.”
Daniel sulked off into the spare bedroom—and slammed the door behind him—and Tean collapsed, exhausted, onto the sofa next to Scipio.The Lab was watching everything with his head on his paws, but now he rolled onto his side, pressing up against Tean.Tean stroked the Lab’s chest and stomach, and the dog wiggled and stretched and managed to take up about six more inches of the sofa.
When Tean took out his phone, he wasn’t expecting a message from Jem.And there wasn’t one, so whether he expected one or not, it didn’t matter.He went to YouTube, typedgood hair boysand then, after trying to decide if it was homophobic or not, addedgay.
There were alotof teenage boys with their shirts off.
“Oh my God,” Daniel said.“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing!I wasn’t— Did you—” Tean squirmed around.“I thought you were getting dressed.”
Daniel had changed into his outfit: a button-up shirt and slacks in powdery pink, completed by a tulle skirt that couldn’t have been longer than four inches.Although it was impossible to say that Daniel was underdressed—he was covered from wrists to ankles—he was also practicallyundressed; the tight fabric put every inch of him on display.He’d added a gold chain around his neck that Tean didn’t remember, and he was holding a clump of what appeared to be fairy lights.“How do these go on?”
“I don’t know,” Tean said.Daniel was starting to get that look again, so Tean hurried to add, “But we can figure it out.”
And it turned out, therewasa YouTube video on adding fairy lights to an outfit.Fortunately, it mostly involved safety pins, which Tean had with the laundry supplies.While Daniel provided feedback—often unnecessarily, and at great length—Tean began securing the fairy lights in place: around his arms and chest and then riding the waves of tulle.Daniel switched on the battery pack, and the lights began to glow.
The boy studied himself in the mirror.Tean waited for something—excitement, hopefully, or the kind of eager pride that Daniel still occasionally demonstrated, and which made him seem so much younger.Frustration or disappointment were also distinct possibilities, especially based on how today had gone.But Daniel only stared at himself.He looked tired.
“You’re very handsome,” Tean said.
Daniel didn’t say anything.
After a moment, Tean said, “Why don’t we try these lights up here a little more?”
He unfastened a pin and shifted the lights, and as he secured them in place again, Daniel said, “Tean?”
“Yes?”
Silence dragged out.And then Daniel said in a small voice, “I don’t want to be somebody else.I just want to be me.”
“It’s very hard to be yourself,” Tean said.But he realized that diving into Sartre probably wasn’t what Daniel had intended, so he said, “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know.”After a moment, though, Daniel touched the chain at his neck.“Everybody at Rainbow House is all right, but sometimes, it’s like they want me to be the same as them.How I dress.How I talk.I don’t even know what my pronouns are, but Justin just kept asking me, so I had to say something.”He was turning the chain now, sliding it against pale skin.“I spent so long being who my parents wanted me to be.Being who I was supposed to be at church.I don’t want to do that again.”
“That’s very insightful of you.And very wise.People in groups always want other people to conform, because that’s what being in a group is all about.It’s not easy for many of them to understand why you might want to be different.”
“Is that why you don’t act like a gay guy?”
The question startled a laugh out of Tean.“I think I don’t act like a stereotype, if that’s what you mean.Iama gay guy, so however I act, that’s how this gay guy acts.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I’m not interested in most of the things that mainstream gay culture focuses on.”And then, because it might help, he added, “I’m weird, Daniel.”
“You’re not weird.”
