Page 124 of The Associate
“Scared,” Samuel admitted readily. It was easier to say it now. “But… also ready, I think. The big secret feels… corrosive. After everything with my parents, hiding it feels like I’m still giving their opinion power. Gael says it’s time to live in the light.” He paused. “His words, not mine. He’s a bit dramatic sometimes.”
A small smile touched Jasmine’s lips. “And the office? That’s a specific, daily kind of ‘public’. He’s your superior. That’s a complicated dynamic to layer a personal relationship onto.”
Samuel nodded. “We’ve talked about that. A lot. Gael thinks… well, he says it shouldn’t be a problem. He’s the named partner. He makes the rules.” He shifted in his chair, a faint, incredulous laugh escaping him. “Also, he says most of the office already knows. Or at least strongly suspects.”
Jasmine’s eyebrows lifted slightly.
“Apparently,” Samuel continued, his cheeks warming, “we weren’t as sneaky as I thought. According to Gael, by the third month, people had it figured out. The late nights, the way he’d call me into his office for things that could have been an email… the way I’d…” He trailed off, the memory of heated glances across a conference room table making his ears burn. “He says no one said anything because they are afraid of him. He can be scary when he wants to.”
He finished the sentence with a soft, stupidly fond smile he couldn’t quite suppress.
Jasmine watched him for a moment, her expression soft, seeing the change in him. The ease with which he spoke about fear and love in the same breath. “That’s good,” she said gently. Then her tone shifted, becoming more clinical. “Have you had any nightmares lately?”
The smile dropped from Samuel’s face. The warm stripe of sunlight suddenly felt too hot. He looked down at his hands. “Yes,” he said. “One.”
“What about?”
“The same. The Hills. The Director. The… the burning.” He didn’t need to elaborate. They had walked that ground before.
Jasmine nodded, making a brief note. “And what happened when you woke up?”
Samuel took a breath. “I didn’t cry. I just… woke up. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. Gael woke up too, felt me tense. He just… put his arm around me. Pulled me into him. I hugged him back, tight. And after a few minutes, I fell back asleep.”
“That’s good, Sam,” Jasmine said, her voice warm with approval. “That’s real progress. Your body remembered the fear, but your mind, your present self, knew where you were. You sought comfort and found it. You regulated. That’s a powerful tool.”
Samuel shrugged, a gesture that was part acknowledgment, part frustration. “I still had the nightmare, though.”
Jasmine set her pen down. She leaned forward slightly. “Yes,” she said, her tone honest and direct. “And you probably will, occasionally, for a long time. Maybe always, in some form. Healing isn’t linear, Sam. It’s not a path you walk from sickness to wellness and then you’re done. It’s a process. It has ups and downs. What you experienced was a profound trauma. Trauma persists. It writes itself into your nervous system. My job isn’t to make it disappear. That’s a fantasy.”
She held his gaze. “My job is to give you tools to combat it when it surfaces. To make it smaller. To make it less terrifying. Toteach you how to live a full, rich life alongside it, so it becomes a part of your history, not the dictator of your present.”
Samuel nodded. He already knew this. Intellectually, he had accepted it months ago. He had lived the truth of it. He could see the evidence of her tools working in the way he’d handled the nightmare, in the way he was sitting here discussing going public with a man, in the way he had faced his parents. He was a different person from the shattered, silent man who had first stumbled into this room. He barely recognized that old ghost.
“I know,” he said, his voice quiet. “I know you’re right. And you have helped.” He looked up at her, a wry, tired expression on his face. “I’m just… annoyed. Annoyed that there’s no pill I can swallow. No single thing I can do to just… make it all go away. To be done with it.”
Jasmine’s smile was gentle, understanding. “That’s the wish everyone who has ever been hurt carries. The desire for a clean ending. But life, and healing, is messier than that. It’s ongoing. And you,” she said, her tone firming with conviction, “are doing the work. You’re living alongside it. And from where I’m sitting, you’re living quite well.”
∞∞∞
The diner was their usual spot, a place of faded chrome, red vinyl booths, and coffee that was strong enough to stand a spoon in. The air smelled of grilled onions, frying bacon, and lemon-scented cleaner. Saturday lunchtime chatter and the clatter of dishes provided a comfortable, anonymous backdrop.
Samuel slid into the booth opposite Penny and Chloe. Penny was sketching something on a paper napkin, her brow furrowed in concentration, while Chloe scrolled through her phone, a small smile playing on her lips. They fit together in the space, an easy, settled unit. Seeing them always gave Samuel a quiet, steady sense of hope.
“You’re late,” Penny said without looking up, her pencil moving.
“Traffic on the bridge was a nightmare,” Samuel said, signaling to a passing waitress for a coffee. “And someone,” he added, with a pointed look at Chloe, “insisted I pick up those obscure artisanal pickles she likes from that shop in Brooklyn.”
Chloe looked up, her smile widening. “And did you?”
Samuel produced a small, brown-paper-wrapped jar from his bag and set it on the table with a soft clunk. “The things I do for you people.”
Lunch unfolded in its familiar, comfortable rhythm. They talked about everything and nothing. Chloe’s latest freelance design project, which involved a client who wanted a logo that was both “serene and explosive.” Penny’s ongoing battle with the leaky faucet in their bathroom. Samuel’s work on a complex case that was giving him a headache, and Gael’s dry, unhelpful commentary on it.
They gossiped about mutual acquaintances, debated the merits of a new TV show, and laughed when the waitress, a woman who had served them for months, automatically brought Samuel his usual club sandwich without him having to order.
It was normal. Deeply, profoundly normal. The kind of easy camaraderie Samuel had once believed was forever out of his reach.
As their plates were cleared and fresh coffees poured, a different kind of quiet settled over their booth. Penny glanced at Chloe, who gave a small, almost imperceptible nod. Penny took a breath, her usual sharp, composed expression softening into something radiant and slightly nervous.
