Page 11 of Collins
And I like it.
CHAPTER 6
johnnie
NOW
Here I stand,quite literally staring into the eyes of mybefore.
That’s how I define my life now.
There was before him and after him.
I would like to tell him as much, but I’m holding my breath and words just don’t come out.
The silence is deafening.
The smell of him drifts through my nose, causing it to sting and sending a burn to my eyes.
Tobacco and vetiver.
How does he smell the exact same as he did nearly a decade ago? Skin sun-drenched far more than I remember, crinkles lining the corner of his eyes, broader muscles. Still 100 percent the boy I remember—only now, he’s all man.
My brain is absolute mush, words have zero chance of forming as I swallow down guilt, regret, and a torrent of emotions.
I realize there’s something between us, looking down to see a white envelope in Collins’ hand.
I snap out of the stupor I’m in when he thrusts the envelope an inch closer. The loud hush still lingers as I watch him take a step back, his jaw tightening, eyes hardening just enough to hide whatever’s underneath, before he turns around and climbs back in his truck without a single word.
Standing there, rigid, heart pounding, and holding the envelope, confusion sinks in as I watch him drive away. My stomach drops, everything hurts, and that’s when the tears slide down my cheeks and dot the paper in my hand.
Once he’s down the road and out of view, I inhale, clutching the envelope and pressing it to my chest, a desperate attempt to hold myself together. I don’t know what it could possibly contain, but I’m certain I need more time before finding out.
I head back across the street, get in my rental, and head for Nan’s. I’ve been back in Laken for less than two hours and not a single thing I’ve encountered doesn’t cause pain.
I should have known.
Pulling into the old trailer park that holds an endless expanse of memories, both good and bad, I see Nan’s trailer. The faded 6 lot number sticker is peeling at the edges and weathered far more than I remember. My tears won’t be drying up anytime soon, but I remind myself how much stronger I am than when I left. I can absolutely handle this, I will.
I can’t help but notice the place next door, where my Combs boys used to reside. A tricycle in the yard and chalk drawings covering the cracked cement out front make me smile for the first time in days, and I’m grateful for the reprieve. I don’t know who lives there now, but I’m glad to see a family thriving.
Nan and I talked on the phone every day after I left, and she flew out to stay with me from time to time. We talked about anything and everything—except Collins. He was off-limits. Nan upheld her end of the deal. I could tell every now and then that she wanted to talk about everything that led up to me leaving, but she respected my wishes. When I really think about it, I think Nan is the only person to ever truly have my back and support me—always. Loving me with infinite grace, like no other.
She was my angel on earth, and now she’s my angel in heaven. That’s why I’m here. No matter how much the memories of this place might hurt, I’m determined to take care of everything and give her the sendoff she deserves.
I waketo the glow of the street light illuminating the intricate flowers on the sofa I evidently dozed off on. I can’t believe I’m back at Nan’s and she’s not here. That stinging pang of realization hits me in the chest every time I wake. Will it ever go away?
Will there ever come a day that I don’t open my eyes for the day and have to remind myself that she’s gone? It feels eerily similar to the way I’ve felt since I’ve left Laken—lefthim.
Just as I start to sit up, the sound of a car door clanks outside. I forgot just how thin these walls were. I walk to the side window, seeing a golden glow from the porch light shining on a man just entering the front door, and if I didn’t know any better I would think it was Collins. This place and my lack of sleep have my mind muddled. There’s not a chance that, ten years later, he would still be living in that little trailer.
I do know that Combs Landscaping has done quite well over the years. Thanks to the internet, I haven’t been completely immune to checking in on them from time to time. All three brothers should definitely be able to afford living in something grander than a single wide. Yet, just as I’m thinking it, the man steps back out. This time with a toddler slung over one shoulder, limp as a noodle and sound asleep. As I’m about to back away from the window, he turns and his eyes find mine as though he could sense me near. Oh my god.
Itishim.
My breath catches, and he looks away, continuing the trek to a vehicle I don’t recognize, placing the sleeping child in a car seat in the back, then climbing in the driver seat and taking off before my mind has a chance to process what I’ve just seen.
I have no idea what that was all about but my head hurts. I need to shower, go to bed, and reassess life in the morning. That’s exactly what I do.
