Page 71 of His Ruin
“Have you eaten today?” she asks, her voice gentle but worried.
I shake my head. Even that small movement aches. My body feels like it’s been wrung out and left to dry—brittle. Every night unravels the same way: I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion only to jolt awake, heart hammering, a scream clawing its way up my throat as panic drags me under. I avoid food because it turns to nausea the second it hits my stomach. I avoid class because every sound scratches against my nerves until I can’t breathe.
I’m no longer functioning.
I’m a shell of the woman I once was.
“Melody!” Kodi snaps, ripping my textbook away from me. She takes my hands in hers, shaking me firmly as tears dot her lashes. “You’rekillingyourself!”
“I’m fine,” I lie, my voice monotonous and dry. My lips are cracked from dehydration, and everywhere Kodi touches physically pains me.
I don’t want to be touched.
She flinches, her shoulders coiling tightly as her hold on me loosens a fraction. “No, you’re not. You don’t sleep, don’t eat, and you haven’t been to class since you got back.”
The room feels too small—as if it’s pressurized. I focus on the crack in the ceiling above her head because I can’t look her in the eyes. Not while I’m so broken.
“Kodi,” I say, because she’s still shaking, still crying, and I know that’s my fault. “Please. I just need—”
“—to keep pretending?” she cuts in, her voice breaking. “To keep wasting away in this room? To keep not sleeping, not eating, not talking to anyone?”
My jaw tightens. I try to pull my hands free, but she tightens her hold instinctively, then catches herself and releases me quickly.
“Sorry,” she breathes, stepping back immediately. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to be touched.”
The space between us fills with something fragile and buzzing. I haven’t told her anything about Kaden. All she knows is that he’s missing and no one can find him.
My hands fall into my lap. They look like they belong to someone else, pale and trembling. I tuck them under my thighs to still them.
“I’m fine,” I repeat, softer this time.
Kodi drags a hand over her face, smearing tears across her cheek. “You scream in your sleep,Mel.“ Her voice cracks on my name. “Every night. You think I don’t hear you calling out for him?”
Heat creeps up my throat, the shame and guilt overshadowing me. I try to swallow past the building emotions, but it feels like razor blades slicing into me. “I-I…” My words die on my tongue, and silence blankets over us.
Outside in the hall, laughter echoes, feet shuffle, and life continues. People are moving as if they aren’t being unraveled at the seams, and I’mjealous.
Jealous they can still smile. Laugh. Go to class without breaking down.
They’re living, and I’m existing.
”Ican’t…” My voice thins, and I clear my throat. “I can’t close my eyes…without seeing him.”
Kodi’s features soften as she sinks down to her knees beside my bed. She doesn’t touch me, but she places a hand close to mine, offering comfort. “Okay. Look at me, Melody.”
My eyes find hers, and it’s as if everything crumbles all over again. I see the pain I’m putting her through, and it’s tearing me apart. “I can’t breathe…”
“You’re here, Mel,” she says softly. “With me in our dorm. Nowhere else.”
I nod, and Kodi moves as if she’s handling something fragile. She lifts her phone and checks it. “On-campus counseling has crisis hours. We can go now.”
The word crisis hits mehard.
“I’m not…”
“Yes, you are,” my friend says softly. “And that’s okay.”
Nothing about the hurt inside of me feels okay, but I nod anyway.
