Page 83 of Diving In
I wince. “Sorry. Bad night’s sleep.” It’s only a half-lie. I have been sleeping badly. I wake up even earlier than usual and just lie there. Stuck. And then I can never get back to sleep. All I can think about is training, the mistakes I’m making and how much better I need to get.
“Really?” He looks dubious.
“Yep.”
“Well, get an early night then. I don’t want to see thattomorrow.”
I know I need to do better. I’m not swimming well, and I feel like I’m dragging everyone around me down. I was the reason we lost the last relay event, and the one before. And I didn’t even medal in my individual races at the last gala.
At least Kath’s talking to me. Well, sort of. I’m always the one who calls her. She always directs the conversation to swimming, and upcoming meets. We don’t have deep conversations anymore. I don’t know what her days are like, how her friends are doing, when her next set of exams are.
Sometimes I feel guilty for calling. Like I’m dragging her into my mess again, and forcing her to stay friends even though I don’t know how to be a good friend anymore.
When I get home, I grab a snack before going upstairs and logging onto my computer.
“Hey.” Kath’s face fills my screen, the reminder of everything I’m missing, and everything I don’t deserve.
“Hey, stranger,” I tell her.
“How was practice?”
“Shit,” I grumble. “My turns were all over the place. I just couldn’t get my head right. Sorry.” I pause. “You don’t want a blow-by-blow account of my training session.”
“I don’t mind hearing about it,” she says. “I used to watch them all the time.”
She smiles but it feels stilted. The whole conversation feels stilted, and I hate that it’s my fault.
“How are you, anyway?” I ask.
“I’m good. I caught the train home for the weekend to see my parents. And Tom’s coming over for dinner too.”
“That sounds nice.” I wish I was back in London with them like before.
There’s another pause in the conversation.
“I’ve been trying to improve my breaststroke more. You know how it is… it needs to be better if I want that record.”
We chat about my new coaching plan for a bit. It makes me realise that swimming really has taken over my life.
“Sam,” Kath says, and there is a cautionary note in her voice. “I need to talk to you about something.”
“What?”
“I wanted to wait until we could see each other properly, but that’s going to be a few months, so I don’t think it’s worth waiting.”
My heart sinks. She has a new boyfriend.This is what you wanted for her, I chide myself. You want her to move on with her life. You want her to be happy.
“It’s about your training.”
That wasn’t what I was expecting. My breath hitches, and I can feel tension in my shoulders.
“I’ve been speaking to the others, and they say you’re doing all these extra sessions that you don’t need to do. I know you push yourself. But you can push yourself into getting injured. As a future doctor, I would know.”
I frown. What have the others been saying? Why are they butting into my life like that, talking to Kath behind my back?
“It’s fine,” I bite out.
I train because I need to be the best.
