Page 79 of Diving In
He stays quiet, but meets my gaze again for the briefest moment. And for the first time since we met, I’m not sure what I see in his expression.Why isn’t he saying anything?
“Yes, there’s an ocean between us. But it’s a ridiculous excuse at this point. Sam, we text and call all the time. Sometimes I talk to you more than my friends at university. Neither of us are left wanting for the other’s attention, and it’s not like we’ve dated anyone else seriously. Or can you tell me that you’ve had a girlfriend since I’ve been gone? You know I haven’t had a boyfriend. And I don’t want one. I wantyou.”
His face tightens almost imperceptibly, and after a few moments of silence between us, he shakes his head.
“You deserve more than me,” he says, speaking to the ground. “You shouldn’t be with someone who you only get to see twice a year. You deserve someone who’ll take you out on dates, someone you can sleep next to at night.” His voice goes completely monotone when he says, “We both know I can’t prioritise you, Kath. You deserve to be prioritised.”
I try to calm my racing pulse. The steam is still curling out of the bathroom into our room, and music from outside filters through the cracked open window.
“Don’t tell me what I do or don’t deserve. I’ve done nothing but support you with swimming our entire lives. If you need to focus on sport, you know I’ll cheer you on in the background. You can prioritise me in other ways. I’ve seen you do it. You’re my biggest cheerleader too.” My voice is rising. “We want each other. Isn’t that enough?”
“I can’t lose you as a friend. You don’t understand, Kath… I’ve lost so much. So fucking much in my life. I can’t lose you too. Not you.” A sheen coats his eyes. “Because, if we were together, you’d hate me eventually,” he reasons. “I don’t want you to resent me. I don’t think I could live with myself if you did.”
“So you’re fine with fucking me for a week, but then the moment it could be something more, you don’t want me? Don’t you think I’m going to resent younow?”
“Kath.Youwere the one that proposed we do this. This wasn’t my idea. I don’t—” He pauses, his usually vibrant blue eyes clouded with a darkness I’m not used to seeing. “I thought we were both on the same page, Kath. That it was a continuation of that summer. Just friends having fun.”
Anger settles deep in my ribs, hot and sharp. We’re more than friends having fun. We’vealwaysbeen more than friends having fun. And I know Sam well enough that I’m sure it’s more for him too.
“Don’t give me that ‘just having fun’ bullshit. I’ve seen the way you look at me.”
“I’d never have agreed to start anything if I knew you wanted more.” He winces, hunching slightly. “You don’t want me, Kath, trust me.”
I growl. I actually growl in frustration. “You’re doing it again. You’re telling me how I should feel.Idecide how I feel, not you. You don't get to decide something for the both of us.”
I turn and push my jumper into the top of the case before looking around for my book. I can hear him taking a deep breath behind me. We don’t have time for this fight; I need to leave to get to the airport soon. I should never have left it this late to talk to him. When I turn, he’s clenching and unclenching his hands.
“Well, you're doing the same thing to me right now, pushing decisions onto me. Isn't that a bit hypocritical, Kath? And anyway, it's not just about your feelings.I’d resent you too.”
His voice is quiet, but I reel back like I’ve been slapped.
“I’d resent balancing you with training. I’d resent putting you second. I’d resent watching you slowly pull back once you realise this’ll never work. Not like how you want it to, and you deserve better.”
I search his face for any sign of warmth, of affection, but his eyes are staring straight into mine. Unblinking and cold.
“You don’t have to balance me and swimming perfectly. Why are you holding yourself to these impossible standards?” I ask. Trying my hardest to ignore the comment about resentment. “Why do I deserve something better and not you?”
“Believe me. I’m not worth it, Kath. And if we’re fighting about this now, imagine what it’ll be like in a month’s time, in a year’s time…”
“But… But I’m in love with you.” I choke out the words. I think I’ve known it for years and just chosen to ignore it. What’s the point in dancing around it anymore?
Silence follows my declaration. A painfully long silence.
This isn’t what’s meant to happen when you tell someone you love them.
A car horn honks obnoxiously loudly on the street outside, but I ignore the noise, training my focus on the man who’s slowly dismantling my heart.
“An unequal relationship, one where you’re doing so much for me and I’m not doing enough for you, isn’t what love is, Kath. It’s taking advantage of you. And you might not think this now, but in time you won’t love me. I’ll let you down.” His expression is pained. “Even when you need me the most, I can’t promise to be there for you. And that would kill me. It’d kill us both. You’re lying to yourself if you say you wouldn’t be affected by it. You’d be putting your life on hold for me.”
“They’re my feelings, not yours. My heart, not yours. Two years of separation isn’t as big of a deal as you’re making it. This is a pointlessargument, Sam, and you keep rehashing it.” A sob escapes me as I pick up another sock, throwing it into the case. “We’re just going round in circles, and I don’t understand why you’re not willing to even try.”
When I turn to him he looks defeated, and I have a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’s understanding what I’m saying. But then he frowns.
“But it might not be two years,” he says quietly. “I really like Coach Miller and Florida. What if I decide to stay longer? And—” He pauses and runs his hand through his hair before continuing more firmly. “It’d affect my training, my performance. I can’t spend the next few years just waiting for you to drop by during your holidays. I can’t put my life on hold either. I can’t just wait around, and I don’t want to.”
It’s like a bucket of ice has been thrown over me. If he can say things like that, then he can’t love me the same way I love him.
“So I’m willing to wait, but you aren’t?” I say eventually. “Is that what you mean, Sam? ThatI’mthe person you get to have fun with when you’re around, but you forget about me when I’m gone so you can be with other girls in Florida?”
