Page 48 of Diving In
“It’s so weird that you’re leaving.” Kath walks to the window, looking out at the garden. I know exactly what she sees, and it makes my heart clench. My dad has kept my mum’s flower bed going, and an explosion ofdahlias of all different colours line the back wall, yellows, oranges and reds. Every time I see them I think of Mum.
“Yeah, it feels really weird,” I agree, surveying the back of her chestnut ponytail as she leans against the window frame. She’s wearing one of my old county swimming shirts, and it’s swamping her. I don’t know how to tell Kath how much I’m going to miss her. Whenever I think of leaving it physically hurts.
“It’ll be an adventure.” She turns to me and smiles. “Promise to text me when you land.”
“I promise it’s the first thing I’ll do.” I pull her into a hug.
“That would be a bit desperate,” she teases.
“Nah.” I kiss the top of her head and look around my room again. “You and I don’t do desperate.”
She hugs me tightly, and I realise that this will be my last hug from Kath in months.
Last night we lay in the dark, her body pressed against mine, and she traced slow patterns onto my bare shoulder. Then she kissed my cheek and told me that she’d added an unofficial article to the pirate’s code: “No being weird about this”. I smiled and nodded, but then lay in there for hours unable to get to sleep.
“Are you going to miss me?” she asks, shaking me from my thoughts. “Or miss my boobs at least?”
“I’m definitely going to miss you—and your boobs.” I try to lighten the mood. “They’re pretty great. The freckle on top of the left one is my favourite of your freckles.”
She lets out a slightly watery giggle. “One of my best features. Right, let’s get this stuff downstairs. I think your dad wants to leave soon.”
We carry the bags down to the front door and then go back up to do a final sweep.
“I had a really fun summer.” Kath’s brown eyeslock onto mine.
“Well, I’ve had an amazing seven years of hanging out with you,” I say to her.
I pause on the landing.Should I tell her how I feel?I’ve been dancing around it for a few weeks now. Almost since she mentioned that deal to me. Most mornings I wake up wanting to tell her that I wish we could have something more, that spending time with her is the best part of my day, that being together like this makes me so happy… but by the afternoon I’ve talked myself around into thinking that it wouldn’t be fair on her, given that I’m moving away. I take a deep breath.
“Listen, Kath, I’ve been meaning to tell you—”
“Sam, let’s go!” I hear my dad’s voice cutting me off. “Radio says the traffic is awful.”
I sigh and shut my eyes. Maybe that interruption was the sign I needed. The sign not to ruin things. What do I think I can even do with my declaration anyway? It’s not going to change anything. I’m still going to be away for at least four years. Still going to be training all the time, focussed on swimming and not her.
“Coming,” I shout down the stairs and turn back to Kath.
“Meaning to tell me what?” she asks, eyes wide.
“Samuel, come on! Let’s go now!” my dad shouts again.
“Nothing,” I tell her as we hurry down the stairs. “Nothing at all.”
I want to kiss her goodbye, but that feels like blurring the lines of our rules. Instead I pull her into a final tight hug before getting into the car. As we drive away, I watch her standing by the front door, holding onto Crunchie and squinting into the sun as she waves. I roll down the window and wave back until the car turns the corner and we disappear from sight. It hurts. It hurts with the sickening certainty that I’m driving away from the person I’ve been coming home to for half my life.
Leaning my head back in my seat and I watch London slowly blur into the countryside as we drive towards Gatwick. I don’t feel like I’m aboutto move continents. The last few weeks have felt like suspended reality, a bubble of only me and Kath.
My phone buzzes in my lap.
Kath:You got this, Champ
See you in December, I reply.
“You alright?” my dad asks as I let out a shaky breath.
“Yeah. Bit nervous about living in another country. I’m not sure what I’ll do without all of you guys.”
“You’ll have an amazing time,” he says, eyes still on the road. “I’m really proud of you. And I know your mum would be too.”
