Page 39 of An Education in Longing
“You could have just let me come to it on my own.”
“Why, when I can fill you with disgust just by blinking wrong?”
“That was hardly a blink. That was fucking horrible.”
“Well. Horrible is what I am. I don’t know what else you expected,” he said in a way that made all the sense in the world. Butstrangely, for a second, she found herself wondering. Why had she just said that to him; why had she just accused him of being horrid?
It almost sounded like there was some other way he could be.
Even though he always was. There was no other way to see him.
“I expected some skill. That did nothing,” she said.
And he nodded. He went back to the point.
“Then it isn’t loathing. What else did you feel when I was over you?”
“Terror. I was terrified,” she said. Though she didn’t think back to it, when she did. She couldn’t think back to it. Sheneverthought back to it. And if he was going to... “But don’t you dare try to make me feel that. Iwillstab you if you do.”
“What if I do it from over here?”
“I don’t see how you’re going to manage that.”
“It’s probably wisest not to challenge me, bookworm.”
He kissed the cigarette to his lips. Let smoke coil out from between them. It hung like a veil over his face, almost obscuring his expression. But not quite, not quite. She could still make out that hint of feral threat.
She took a step back because of it.
Yet all he said was, “Perhaps I should tell you a scary story.” Then before she could tell him that was a ridiculous idea, that she had grown up on tall terrifying tales and none had ever stirred her, he drew out his wand. He flicked it in a particular way, and a chair slid across the room from the side, to slot behind her.
She sat, without knowing if he had made her or not.
And he began. “Once, there was a girl, a student here, called Lilibet. And she was very bright, and very courageous, and very...” He paused, almost like he had gotten a little lost in the story already.But then he seemed to shake it off and continued. “She was very lovely. So lovely, in fact, that she attracted the notice of something no sensible person should ever want the notice of. A shadow built from the bones of a broken thing. But unfortunately for Lilibet, she barely noticed the breaks—and she welcomed it in.”
“Because she was kind. Because she had a kind heart.”
“Kindness is just foolery, wrapped up in a pretty bow.”
So edgy, she wanted to sneer. She probably would have done so, too, if it hadn’t been for his tone. It sounded so dull and off it made all the sensitive points on her body prickle and bristle. Suddenly, she found herself leaning forward, muscles tensed.
“It didn’t seem like such a terrible mistake on her part, at first. Shadows can seem very like other more ordinary and decent men, that you already know. They can call up familiar traits, familiar feelings, to inveigle their way into your life. And they are so charming, so sincere seeming. When the shadow gave her a gift of green velvet ribbon, she took it without even thinking twice about it. She wore it gladly, around her pretty throat.”
“Like in the story.”
“Exactly so.”
“The one where she takes it off and—”
“Everyone knows the rest. She knew, too. But she thought she was safe—because of course she didn’t have a secret like that. She wasn’t the one keeping anything from him. If she ever took it off, she thought, there would just be what had always been there underneath,” he said, his voice getting softer and softer. And was it her imagination or was the room getting darker and darker?
No, it couldn’t be.
But she could hardly see him now.
It was like she was dropping into an abyss.
“I don’t think I want to hear the end of this version,” she said, her own voice even fainter than his. Far away almost, and so plaintive he had to listen.
