Page 30 of Laundering Down the Legions
My breath hitched. I couldn't help it.
I crossed to him because the distance had become unacceptable. His hands came up like he might catch me or shield himself, and ended up resting on my shoulders.
"Kearan," I said, because his name seemed important right then.
"Yeah."
His hands slid down my arms, light enough that it was almost worse than if he'd just pulled me in. Restraint of a different kind, him holding control while making it clear he wanted to lose it.
I reached up and tugged his sleeve up, baring the burn scar he always kept covered. The mark of him saving someone who'd used him and betrayed him. I traced the raised line of it.
"This is what you're afraid of," I said.
"Part of what I'm afraid of. Being this marked by someone. Carrying them in my skin the way I carry her."
"But you want to."
"I want to carry you that way. I want to know what you feel like in my own nervous system. All of it. Even the parts that terrify me. Especially those."
His other hand came up to my face, his thumb tracing my cheekbone, and the gentleness of it nearly undid me. I leaned into it and watched his eyes close for a second, like feeling me move into his space was almost too much to hold while also looking at me.
"When," I asked.
"Soon. We might want to wait until there's not some ancient demon trying to beat down the barrier. But after, I'm done waiting."
His hand slid to my neck. "Can I?"
"Yes," I said, before he could finish.
He lowered his head slow, giving me time to change my mind, and when his mouth met mine it was gentle, cautious, like he was still running the calculation about whether the timing was right. I didn't let him retreat. I deepened it, and felt the moment his control stopped being something he held and became something he was fighting to keep.
When he pulled back, we were both breathing hard, his forehead against mine, his hands at my waist, gripping like letting go meant coming apart.
"This isn't a temporary thing," I said.
"It's permanent. As soon as it's sound to do it, I'm bonding with you, and we're not waiting anymore."
He kissed me again, more urgent this time, then his mouth found my neck and his hands tightened, and I felt how much it was costing him to stay in check.
"We should stop," he said against my skin, rough. "Before I lose the ability to keep a clear mind."
"We don't have to."
"We do. Because if we don't, I'll bond with you right here." He stepped back, and the effort it took him was visible. "This isn't no. This is me being responsible about something I want more than anything."
I nodded, because words felt impossible. He touched my face one more time.
"Soon," he said. "Not tonight. "
He was at the door when I found my voice. "Kearan. Thank you. For coming in and talking to me."
He smiled, and it reached his eyes in a way it usually didn't. "Yeah. Me too."
He left, his footsteps going down the hall, and I dropped onto my bed with my mind spinning.
I was still on the edge of my bed when the alarm went off. The klaxon. Full emergency, the sound that meant someone was actively breaking something that wasn't supposed to break.
My body moved before my brain caught up, grabbing my backpack and rushing for the door. I lived in a state of being ready for emergencies and evacuations.
