Page 53 of Guardian
Well, I can’t entirely blame the voices.When I woke up this morning, I had absolutely no appetite.Couldn’t even manage to choke down a granola bar, which is so unlike me.Last night’s pizza with the other escorts feels like a long time ago at this point.
It’s not only the auction itself, but seeing Liam yesterday that’s got me so messed up.The look on his face when he threatened that guy who grabbed me gives me shivers every time I think about it.And I’ve been thinking about it a lot.The last thing it should’ve done is cause me to have second (third, hundredth) thoughts about tonight, when it’s too late to change anything.
Still.It was the first time I really could see how far he’d go to protect me.The threat he quietly whispered to the man who put his hand on me wasn’t meant to be heard, but I did hear it.I wasn’t as horrified as I probably should have been.
Maybe my reaction was wrong, but it only made me want him more.
“Here.Drink this.”Simon nudges me, then hands over a glass of fizzy liquid.“It’s ginger ale.You’re looking a little green around the gills.”
“Thanks.”
After a sip, I close my eyes and soak in all the sounds around me.I can’t make out any single voice well enough to know if they’re talking about me, but I have to assume they are.Thinking back to the one time I went to an art auction with my pop as a kid, they had a little brochure with descriptions of all the pieces for sale.
Oh my God, they didn’t make a brochure about me?Did they?
My breathing picks up.“I’m not used to having this kind of attention on me,” I whisper.
“You went streaking through a drug dealer’s production line not too long ago.”
“That was different.”Not that I don’t see the comparison, but one of those things wasn’t about me.I was distracting some bad guys with guns so some slightly less bad guys with guns could save people inside the warehouse.
Nobody was looking me up and down and deciding whether or not they wanted to spend time with me enough to pay for it.
“You know, it’s funny.I thought this was a great idea when I first talked to Brennan about it.Didn’t hurt that he was so enthusiastic, you know?I know he was only seeing dollar signs, but still.Now, I’m suddenly remembering how I had zero friends at my old school and how the kids made fun of me for crying when I was supposed to dissect a frog in biology, and that after I moved in with Liam, I had to eat lunch with the art teacher because on the first day of senior year I accidentally bumped into the captain of the football team, and then he had half the school out to get me.Liam’s always telling me I’m too impulsive and I’m always all, ‘fuck you, you’re not my dad,’ but suddenly I’m realizing he might have been right because this is a terrible idea.”
Simon’s hand lands between my shoulder blades.“Take a breath, man.Everything’s going to be okay.”
“Is it, though?Because it kind of feels like I’m going to die.”
“You’re panicking.Gotta breathe, babe.”Simon takes an exaggerated breath, and I follow.Strangely, that does seem to help.“Look.The reasons you decided to do this in the first place—what were they?”
Simon’s not yelling.He’s not demanding anything.It’s a kindness I didn’t expect and didn’t know I needed.
My brain takes me back to that first night I saw Liam with his friends and that girl they were sharing.
“Because I realized I was kinky when I saw Liam and a couple of friends all sharing this girl.I was so turned on I couldn’t stand it, but I didn’t want to be in their position.I wanted to be in hers.I developed a massive crush on him, which over the next few years turned into him being someone I couldn’t see my future without, only he didn’t feel the same way.Then he turned cold and mean once he realized what I wanted from him.Because I can’t handle him constantly trying to control me and wanting something I can’t have all the time.Because I can’t stay here.”
“Hold up.You’re going awfully fast.Take another breath,” Simon instructs.
I do, and then I continue.“Because I want to make my own decisions and live my own life without Liam locking me in my bedroom.And since I’m not good at meeting people, this seemed like a way to get money but also experiment with what I’m into rather than sit alone in my room while I fantasize and search up things like primal play.Win-win, right?”
“Let’s call it that,” Simon says noncommittally.“Is all of that still true?”
There’s a moment of hesitation.When I think of the things Liam said to me last time we talked, and then the way he threatened that man for touching me, everything’s a bit blurry.When I really focus on it, though, nothing’s actually changed.“Yeah.It’s all still true.”
“About the will.Are you really that worried about your safety?Because, seriously, Sebastian can help, and if we all of put enough pressure on Brennan?—”
“Stop.”I shake my head, which makes me dizzier.
Whatever Simon thinks, I can’t back out now.This was the exact thing Daniel Corvus warned me about and I get the funny feeling he’s as dangerous as Brennan.“I get why you guys are worried.I’ve acknowledged there’s a chance of someone bidding on me with ugly intentions.Honestly, though, I think it’ll be fine.”
I hope.My mind goes to those emails I got, but Mr.Corvus assured me they had a way of making sure nobody who wished to do me harm would get into the auction.Maybe he was blowing smoke, but I believed him.
I really want to believe him.
“It’s stupid,” I say.“The trouble is, there’s still this dumb high school kid with a dumb crush inside me who can’t seem to let go of the possibility that someday Liam could change his mind.Fucking another guy and then leaving town is probably the most thorough way I could burn that bridge.”
“They don’t change their minds though, Rav.If a guy is stringing you along, it’s because he can,” Simon says.He’s trying to be kind, but it burns anyway.
