Page 94 of Dearest Beast
“I apologize,” she said when she managed to take hold of herself once again.
“Why?” He sounded genuinely confused. “I told you, I didn’t mind.” He tightened his grasp. “In fact, I rather like holding you in this position. It gives me a good deal of access to some of my favorite things,” he added, a teasing note in his voice. He planted a soft kiss on her shoulder, through her chemise.
She lay with him for another moment, the thoughts swirling again in her head. Taking a deep breath, she swallowed once more. “Sometimes, even when everything turns out right in the end, recollections of times when they didn’t seem to rise to the surface,” she explained. “I’ve lost three patients because of my own poor judgment in this area,” she admitted, her eyes stinging. Even though it had been years, the memories were alive once more.
“I’m sorry,” he said after a beat.
“One I hesitated too long, one became so ill with fever after that she didn’t last until the bris, and one, I didn’t properly stop the bleeding inside.” Her body shuddered as she spoke, and it was then that she realized she was crying once more, which was somehow worse, as she was still alive and they were not and… She ground her back teeth, trying with all her might to hold everything in. “I see her face most often,” she said, swiping her eye. “I see all their faces when…”
He didn’t say anything but tugged her closer.
“Aren’t you going to tell me that three out of hundreds is nothing? Or that I’m not god?” she asked, her voice quavering as she recalled each of the usual statements of comfort she’d get from her well-meaning staff or even her own mother. “Or that, perhaps, if I’m worried in such situations, I should call in a physician?”
That was an increasingly popular suggestion, one that frustrated and infuriated her, especially since there was a case to be made for it, as physicians had access to training and even, occasionally, knowledge in scientific advances that she did not. Knowledge and skills they hoarded, while denigrating the years of techniques and learning she and her fellow midwives had amassed on their own.
“No,” he said after a pause, kissing her shoulder once more. “Why?”
“I don’t know.” She sighed again. Perhaps because it would be somehow easier if he did. After all, the comments were all logical and not wrong, per se, but that he didn’t say any of them and was instead comforting her… It just left her all muddled.
“Everything in life has a cost. Some people are just able to see it more clearly,” he told her after a long pause. “Being able to act when you understand that requires quite a bit of bravery.”
“You believe it might be better if I could simply not know?” she asked, turning over the idea in her mind. “Or make myself forget?”
“No, I think you’re most likely better for it,” he said, rubbing her arm a little. “I think you bear your burden with honor.”
“You make me sound like a soldier.” She sniffed and felt his shrug against her back as the two fell into silence once more.
“Might you hold me a little longer?” she whispered after a few moments.
“I’ll hold you as long as you need,” he told her. “Provided you promise to eat a little after. And drink.”
“All right,” she agreed, yawning, “I will.” Except she still could not move. And not because she was tired—though she was still exhausted—but because where she was felt, for once, actually just right.
“Just a little longer,” she whispered. “Please?”
“Of course,” he said, his voice now thick as well. He kissed the top of her head. “I’m yours for as long as you need.”
No, you’re mine for less than two weeks, at most, she thought. Though perhaps that was all she needed. Or could be.
Because it had to be.
Closing her eyes, she leaned back against him, vowing to make it so.
Their Sabbath, followed by the beginning of the week, came and went at an even faster clip than the prior. Roger’s hours were filled to the brim. Between his household chores and his slow but steady progress on both his study and that of the children, he’d taken his governess advertisement to the Great Synagogue and found himself joining the minyan. The prayers were not in the tunes he remembered, and reciting the Aleinu sans an entire line was disconcerting. However, the men were not odious, though they were a touch overenthusiastic in their speech. Moreover, none remarked upon his assuredly clear lack of knowledge and merely appeared content by his presence—even happy.
All and all he did not hate it and would likely not mind hiring a governess from that side. Especially if he could find one as clever as say, Miss Adler.
Not that anyone was as clever as Miss Adler. But he’d concede that her side of the community might include others suitable to serve as a governess. If his children needed some additional tutelage in comportment, he could find a supplement.
Or he could continue teaching them himself, perhaps with Miss Teres’s assistance. After all, it was clear he’d developed a much deeper rapport and understanding of his children these past few weeks, and he was loath to give it completely up, even if further dutycalled. Besides, including Miss Teres would benefit her in a similar way, bring her into the family, so to speak.
He needed to find a way to do so posthaste, as a formal betrothal between them was nigh.
This was made clear by the now completely finished—albeit still empty as transport, delivery, and placement of the old and new furnishing and goods was still required—Adler house he was staring up at. It had been done with impressive speed. He’d need to add a generous gratuity to the vendors’ bills.
It wasn’t that the completion was unexpected. The situation of the past month had always been temporary, and while he’d been surprised and perhaps even learned a few lessons, it was not a reality in which he could live forever.
Yes, time marched on, and soon he would embark upon a new chapter of life, one that would be better than the previous one. For his children’s sakes, the community’s sake, and his own. The time with Miss Adler almost certainly would play a part in that, and for that he would be grateful all his days.
