Page 139 of The Sainted Duchess
“Good. Then let me be honest in the thing I have most poorly done.” His gaze flicked toward the mantel, where the portrait, “I told you my vow mattered more than you. I made it in a sick, angry room, and I clung to it. When you talked about children, it hurt us both. Since then, I’ve realized what I called ‘faithfulness’ was really punishment. I kept myself from happiness because I thought I deserved to be unhappy. I believed if I suffered enough, life would make sense. And when I thought I’d lost you, I learned the worst punishment isn’t living apart in the same house, it’s you not being in the world with me at all.”
She remained silent, but her heart was beating wildly in her chest.
“I am sorry,” he said. “I should never have made that decision for you.”
Go on,she wanted to say.
“If you want to leave me, if you want a divorce, I’ll sign. I’ll make it easy,” he said. “But Iwant you, and I want a life with you.”
Her breath hitched. She never thought that she would hear those words from him in her lifetime.
“I wanted it so much that I let fear rule me and told myself I mustn’t,” he went on, “If you can’t forgive that, I’ll understand. If you can, I will spend the rest of my life keeping one promise only, my promise to you.”
Maria didn’t answer him with more words. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He let out a breath and folded her in, holding her as if she might slip away if he didn’t. After a moment, she leaned back and touched his face with both hands.
“I was very angry with you,” she said, “I still feel a little of it. But I understand why you did it. I know where it came from.”
“I hurt you,” he said. “I hate that.”
“You did,” she said. “And I said things that hurt you, too.”
“Nothing you said wasn’t earned.”
“We were both scared.”
“But I was acting like a coward.”
“You were a man with a wound,” she corrected softly. “Listen to me. I don’t want to push you. I don’t want to force you into anything you aren’t ready for just to make me feel better. I want us to move together, not drag each other.”
“Say what you want, plainly,” He swallowed. “And I shall move the ends of the earth to give it to you.”
“I want a family,” she said. “I always have. But I want you more than I want the idea of a family. If it takes time, we will take time. If we try and have to wait, we will wait. I choose you first.”
He closed his eyes. A tear slipped out; he caught it with the heel of his hand and almost laughed at himself.
“You’re better than I deserve.”
She leaned in and kissed that tear away.
“I told you, no more sentences that start that way.” Then she kissed his mouth.
It felt like their first kiss, but better. It was one that was full of love.
When they parted, he rested his forehead against hers.
“I love you,” he said, “I love you, Maria.”
“I love you, Stephen. I loved you while I was furious with you, but even more when I am not.”
“That seems unfair. You love me even when I deserve it least.”
“That’s usually when people need it most,” she said. “You came and saved me, too.”
His jaw tightened at the memory.
“I wanted to tear the world apart.” He nodded, then frowned at her wrists. “We should tend these.” He lifted one hand, turning it to see the angry red marks. He kissed the inside of her wrist and then the other, very lightly, and she felt something in her chest settle.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
