Page 69 of The Duke on Her List
He was only in it as a temporary thing. She had known that from the start. The kiss had only happened because he had pledged to help her with her list, and he didn’t feel as though he could withdraw that offer of assistance. He was determined not to break a promise. He’d made that abundantly clear.
The fact that she had begun to hope for more was a disaster, and the only way to begin to heal it had been to turn him away completely. If she had let him stay, if she had allowed things to continue between them, it would have become much harder to ever put a stop to it.
She had sensed his displeasure with her as he was leaving. She didn’t know why. He should have been grateful. He should have been glad that she had the strength to stick by what they had agreed to from the start.
I never let him down. I was tempted by the proposal, but I remained strong. I was swept away by the kiss, but I didn’t allow it to pull me under. I am worthy of every bit of time and attention he gave me, because I had the strength to end it when the time came to do so. He can’t be angry with me.
But he could, of course. She knew better than that. He could feel however he liked about it, and there was nothing she coulddo. She would just have to live with the fact that while things between them had once been so warm and pleasant, they had ended negatively, and there was no putting them right.
She didn’t know what hurt more—the fact that she was never going to see him again, or the fact that he was sitting somewhere upset with her for reasons she couldn’t fathom. But neither thing felt good.
“Agnes,” Dorothy pressed, “this isn’t a time for you to remain cooped up in your house. You need to get out.”
“I’m not cooped up,” Agnes said, even though that was exactly how she felt. Hadn’t she just been thinking how dull and dreary the days were now that her involvement with Gabriel had come to an end? “What did you have in mind?”
“Lady Kerrington’s ball,” Dorothy said. “Violet and I will be attending. You ought to come with us.”
“I shouldn’t,” Agnes countered. “It’s not a good time for me to be out in society, with all the gossip that’s going around.”
“When has gossip ever stopped you from doing what you wanted to do?” Dorothy countered. “That’s not you at all, Agnes. You’ve always blazed your own trail.” She frowned. “I wasn’t sure before, but now I really do think you’re heartbroken. You’re not staying at home because you fear gossip, you’re doing it because you’re sad and you can’t muster the will to go to a ball.”
“Maybe that’s what she needs right now,” Violet said softly. “Maybe we should allow her to stay at home and recover from the pain all this has caused.”
“I’m not in pain!” Agnes said crossly. “And there’s nothing to recover from. I just thought it might be foolish to attend the ball. But if that’s what I must do in order to put to rest this idea that I’m suffering from heartbreak, then I’ll do so. All right?”
“Agnes,” Dorothy said. “Nobody is trying to make you do anything. If you don’t want to come out, you don’t have to. I thought you might enjoy yourself, that’s all. And you could use the chance to have a good time.”
“I’ll come,” Agnes said, some of the frustration leaving her voice. “I know you’re only trying to be helpful, Dorothy. And you’re right. We probably would have a good time.”
She didn’t know whether that was true. To be at a ball right now sounded painful, and not only because of the gossip she knew she would face. She would also be forced to confront the memories of the last ball she had attended—not to mention the one she had never made it to at all. How would she stand in a ballroom without thinking about spinning in Gabriel’s arms? About the way his mouth would quirk to one side when he would make a joke about the people around them, or the way his hand rested securely on her waist as he led her through the steps of a dance?
And how would she manage to stop herself from reminiscing about the kiss? The last day they had spent together, when theyhad planned to attend a ball and had stayed at home because of the rain?
What if it hadn’t rained that day? We wouldn’t have been able to complete the list in fair weather. We probably would have gone to the ball, and those last two items would still be ahead of me instead of behind.
She sighed. It was for the best that it was all over. It wasn’t good that she was still yearning like this. These feelings were the exact reason she’d needed to put the whole business behind her and start to move on.
Which meant, really, that it was more than just a good idea for her to attend this ball. It was necessary. Her friends were right—it was the kind of thing she would never have hesitated to do before all this business with Gabriel had happened. It was important that she figure out how to get back to her ordinary life as quickly as she could. After all, it had once made her happy. Gabriel hadn’t so badly disrupted her that she wouldn’t be able to find a way to be happy again.
She nodded. “You’re right, both of you,” she said. “We should go to this ball, and I’ll be in attendance. Would you like to meet here beforehand so that we can ride over together? That might be pleasant.”
It would be more than pleasant. If she were to be honest with herself, it was a means of protecting herself from time spent alone. It would be hard enough to attend the ball. If she had to spend a whole carriage ride on her own, pondering what wouldhappen when she arrived there, she thought she might just lose her nerve altogether.
“I think that’s a good idea,” Dorothy agreed. “We can come over just after dinner. Violet?”
“Yes, I’d like that,” Violet said. “I must say, Agnes, I didn’t think you were going to agree to this. I thought you were going to find it too difficult. And I would have sympathized with that, if it had been your decision. I have a lot of admiration for your courage.”
“Thank you,” Agnes murmured, though in truth the sentiment bothered her. It was exactly the kind of thing Gabriel had once praised about her—that she was tenacious, that she did what she wanted to do and didn’t allow anything or anyone to hold her back.
She’d taken pride in those things when he had described them. Now she couldn’t help wondering how he would feel if he could see her now.
Is everything going to remind me of him? Even being myself? Will I be unable to find my way back to the person I used to be, because simply by embracing my own character, I’d be living as the person Gabriel admired, and it’s too painful to be that person anymore?
No. He could disrupt her life in many ways, but she would not allow him to convince her to change who she was. That was one thing he could never take away. This whole ordeal had affected her in ways she could never have anticipated, but if she was everto have a chance at being herself again, the only way forward was to act as she would have done if she had never met Gabriel.
CHAPTER 32
Kerrington Estate was one of the newer homes in the region. Agnes hadn’t been here before, but she had heard tales of its opulence, and it didn’t disappoint. The marble shone as if it was wet. The sheer number of flowers was so vast that she wondered for a moment whether she had actually stepped inside, or if she was somehow still out in the garden.
