Page 56 of The Duke on Her List
Telling herself it would be a relief to be through with him was easy enough. Making herself believe it, though…that was another thing altogether.
She closed her eyes and willed herself to remember who she was.
I’m Agnes Langford. I’m London’s most notorious spinster. I do not need the love of a man. I have never wanted such a thing. I don’t know why I’ve allowed myself to be confused about this, but it doesn’t matter. I just need to remain clear-headed.
But one thing was for certain. No matter what he said or did, she would not allow him to help her complete her List of Improper Ideas.
The items that remained…if she crossed them off with him, it might break her heart.
CHAPTER 26
“So what is he like?” Dorothy asked keenly. “I mean, when you’re on your own with him. What’s that like? I’ve always wondered how it would be to be courted by a duke.”
“Don’t take it so seriously,” Agnes said. “It’s just something that’s happening in the moment. You know full well I’m not likely to marry him.”
“You never know,” Dorothy said. “And either way—as you said, it’s what’s happening now. So you can answer the question. You can tell me what he’s like.”
“Don’t pester her,” Violet said mildly, not looking up from her embroidery. “If she doesn’t want to talk about it, Dorothy, she doesn’t have to.”
“But why wouldn’t she want to talk about it?” Dorothy asked. “You know, if there’s one thing Agnes loves, it’s a goodadventure. A story to be told. And this is the best example of that any of us have ever been a part of. This is a fantastic adventure. Whatever happens, don’t you want to make the most of it, Agnes? Don’t you want to savor every detail?”
As recently as a week ago, the answer to that question would have been a very easy yes. She would have relished telling her friends stories about her time with Gabriel, even if there were things she’d have always kept to herself. The retelling would have made it feel like she was living it all over again. That was a part of her adventures she had always loved. When she thought about her list, she thought about it in terms of the memories she would be creating for herself, little moments she would be able to unpack and savor again and again for the rest of her life.
That was what Dorothy was asking of her. To relive some of her time with Gabriel, and to share it.
And Agnes passionately did not want to do that.
She wanted to forget.
That was a thing she’d never wanted before in her life. Every memory was worth holding on to. But thoughts of Gabriel burrowed into her and made her ache in a way she didn’t know how to face. The sooner it was all behind her, the sooner she would begin to heal.
“You know,” Dorothy went on, “it’s been quite something to watch the way the ton has reacted to this courtship.”
“What do you mean?” Agnes asked. “I haven’t been aware of much of a reaction. I mean, there have been a few looks from people, but no more than you would expect seeing me in a courtship. That was always going to draw some attention.”
“Yes,” Dorothy agreed. “But I’m talking about the way people have responded to him since the beginning of your courtship. I’m sure you know that he’s always been considered highly eligible. People have clamored for his attention.”
“Of course I know that,” Agnes said quietly.
It was strange. She had known that. She’d known it from the beginning. But this was the first time it had bothered her to hear it, and to think about the fact that there were other people out there who wanted him.
When things were over between them, those people would think the window was open for them once more. And who knew—maybe it would be. She found it hard to imagine Gabriel opening himself up to love and romance, but just because he hadn’t been willing to see that happen with her, that didn’t mean he would resist it forever. Eventually, it was possible that someone would win his heart.
She knew it would crush her to see it. She didn’t even want to think about it. “Why are you bringing that up?” she asked. “Is it just because everyone has been so disappointed not to be able to pursue him?”
“No, it’s actually the opposite of that,” Dorothy said. “You must have noticed.”
“Noticed what?”
“That people aren’t giving him much attention anymore,” Dorothy said. “At least, not in the way they once did. No one talks about him as a potential suitor. When people stare at him, it’s to see what he’s doing with you, not covetously. Everyone has moved on.”
“That’s only because they know he’s engaged in a courtship, though,” Agnes said. “If it wasn’t for that, they would go right back to swarming him and trying to garner his attention.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Dorothy said. “The way I hear people talk, it sounds like they’ve given up. Like they no longer consider him a romantic prospect at all. Something about their perception of him has changed.”
Agnes was quiet.
That was what Gabriel had wanted. He had said so from the start. The reason for their sham of a courtship had been to make sure that people would leave him alone. Once he had felt assured that he would be left to his devices, able to appear in public without anyone clamoring over him, the courtship should have ended.
