Page 55 of The Duke on Her List
“But since you have a girl already, I imagine you’re hoping for a boy?”
“No,” he said, his face softer still. “I don’t care at all, Agnes. Doesn’t that sound unbelievable? But it’s really true. I don’t care if I have a daughter or a son. I care only that my child is born healthy and grows up happy, and that Bridget comes through it all right.”
“Do you have any reason to fear she won’t?” Agnes frowned. Bridget had been with Reeves on his last visit, but this time he had left her at home. “Is she unwell?”
“She’s perfectly fine. The physician assures me again and again that there’s nothing to worry about.” He chuckled. “I just can’t help it. Bridget is my world. She’s everything to me, and I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her—so of course I come up with terrifying scenarios in my mind, situations in which I might lose her. I have no reason to think these things will happen. It’s far more likely that nothing will go wrong at all. I just don’t know what I would do without her, that’s all.”
“You won’t have to find out,” Agnes assured him, putting a hand on his arm. “She’s strong. Everything is going to be all right.”
Reeves smiled at her. “Thank you,” he said. “You know, I never would have believed I could love someone the way I do Bridget. I thought I would be on my own for the rest of my life, because love seemed like a farce. And then I met her, and everything changed.” He sighed and smiled distantly. “I may be the luckiest man in the world. That’s all I really want for you. I want you to know the feeling of surprise that comes when the world turns out to be a more beautiful place than you realized it was. I want you to know what it’s like to find yourself in love. Is that really so dreadful?”
Agnes shook her head, unable to find words.
No, it wasn’t dreadful. Of course it wasn’t.
The truth was that it sounded positively lovely.
And she knew it could never be hers.
The fact of the matter was that she was afraid she was falling in love with Gabriel. Because how many times could she ponder that proposal without stopping to ask herself why it mattered so much what he had meant by it? How could she have yearned for a kiss the way she had today without wondering why?
And if they completed her list, the way they had been talking about…where would that leave her? Would they just walk away when it was all over?Couldshe just walk away anymore? She wasn’t sure she had the ability to do that without being scarred by the loss of what she would have to leave behind her in order to eliminate him from her life, and she didn’t know if she could face it.
Maybe it’s better to just end things right now.
There had been an agreement to a courtship, and this would mean breaking that agreement early. No doubt he would be angry—but then, he was already angry, wasn’t he? So what was she protecting? Besides, she would be sacrificing what he had offered her as well. They would never complete the list.
She was beginning to heartily wish she had never made that list in the first place.
But she couldn’t regret what had happened. Not really. There had simply been too many good moments, too many happy times that she knew she’d cling to after he was removed from her life. She drew a breath and released it slowly. It was time to move on, but moving on was going to be very painful.
A footman came into the room. “Your carriage is ready, Your Grace.”
Reeves rose to his feet. “Are you going to see me out?” he asked Agnes.
She nodded and got to her feet, following him to the door. “I want to come and pay a visit to you and Bridget sometime soon, if you’ll have me,” she said. “I’d like to spend time with you both. And perhaps when the baby comes I could stay with you for a while and help with Emma.”
“We could certainly use the help,” Reeves said slowly. “But I don’t want to take you away from London right now, Agnes. We can get by. You have so many exciting things happening right now, it’s not a good time for you to leave.”
“No,” she said firmly. “Nothing in my life is more important than the arrival of my new niece or nephew.”
Reeves sighed. “Truly I wish I could persuade you not to think that way,” he said. “Your happiness matters, Agnes. It matters to me and to Bridget. I want it to matter to you.”
“I am happy,” she assured him.
But she didn’t know whether or not she was telling the truth.
She walked him to the door and stood in the doorway as he went out to his carriage. She waved him off, and as the carriage pulledaway, she remained there watching it go for a long time, until she could no longer see it in the distance.
Then she turned and went back into the house.
I won’t end the deal. Not yet.
Perhaps she was only making excuses to herself. Maybe this was just prolonging the inevitable. But she had offered him a courtship, a way to hide from the grasping mamas of the ton, and just because she was ready to be finished with their arrangement, that didn’t mean she was willing to betray her promise to him.
She would see it through. She would go to a few more balls with him—even though it would hurt to do so. She would wait for him to end their arrangement on his own terms.
Perhaps it will be soon,she thought, torn between happiness and sadness at the thought.He doesn’t seem pleased with me right now, for whatever reason he might have. Maybe he’ll turn on me. Maybe the next time I see him, he’ll say we ought to refrain from seeing one another again, and then the whole thing will be over. It will be a relief. It will mean that I won’t have to ponder my feelings for him anymore. We can just move on.
