Page 12 of Nothing Left
“Why the fuck would I go after a skinny, zitty fourteen-year-old boy, Maya?” she spits. “Have you ever actually asked yourself that question? Why would I want him?”
I feel like I’m drowning. The pain and the confusion swell until I can’t contain them. I scream back at her. “And Jonathan?! Did he rape you too??”
“No.” Valeria’s expression turns terrifyingly serene. A singular tear slips from her eye, tracing a wet path down hercheek before disappearing past the collar of her dress. “No, Maya. Him, I slept with.”
I can’t fucking breathe. Oh god, I can’t breathe.
“In my head, I just wanted to rewind the past,” she whispers, looking right through me. “I wanted to know what it would have felt like if that prick you let into our house hadn't stolen my virginity. I wanted to see what it would have been like if it wasmychoice, Maya. But it didn't work.”
She twists her beautiful hair up into a bun, and even while retelling the horrors of her past—ones I apparently caused—she still looks beautiful.
“You ruin everything,” she rasps. “You stole everything from me. My peace of mind. My body. My safety. You brought that monster into my life, and now you’re stealing my husband too.”
Valeria lunges forward, screaming right into my face. "You brought a fucking rapist into our home, Maya! Our mom died birthing you! You have always been nothing but a parasite on this family!"
I back away on my hands and knees. "Please, no... not this. Don't say that, Valeria. Please don't say that."
"Don't say what?!" she shrieks as she advances on me in the mud. "That I got my virginity stolen by a prick you let into somewhere that should have been safe for me?! That you turned me into this? Someone who goes from man to man, your boyfriends included, just to numb the pain?"
Her eyes are vacant. "Or should I not say that our mother died birthing you? Or no, maybe the truth is that Dad couldn't even stand the sight of you, so we spent our entire miserable lives being shuffled between aunts and grandparents?! Your very existence ruined everything for me!"
The yard spins out of control around me. I lurch to the side to puke right into the dirt. My own vomit splatters against my bare feet.
Valeria is right. How could I have been so incredibly blind for all these years? How did I not notice? How did I not realize that the true villain in this story was me all along?
"I'm sorry," I choke out through the tears. "I didn't know, Valeria... I swear to God, I didn't know."
She lets out a hiss. "You want me to forgive you?"
I nod desperately. "Please. Please, Valeria."
Despite everything, I still crave a relationship between us. Like normal sisters. I want her to forgive me.
"Then leave me the fuck alone!" she growls. "I finally found something that can make up for all the shit I've been through! Leave it to me! Leave! Leave! Leave!"
She keeps screaming the word over and over, crawling over my body in the mud. She buries both of her hands into my hair, bringing her face inches from mine as she screams directly into my mouth. "Just leave me the fuck alone! Leave me alone!"
She shakes my head against the stone over and over. But the hatred in my chest completely drains out.
Slowly, I raise my hands and lift them to her face. I cradle her cheeks gently between my palms, my thumbs wiping at the dirt there. It is the first time I've touched her like a sister in years.
"I'm sorry," I choke out. "I'm so sorry, Valeria. I'll leave. I promise... I promise I'll leave."
9
Maya
It’s been a week of hell.
A hell I completely deserve.
Logically speaking, I know I didn’t want any of these things to happen. I didn’t will for my mother to die while birthing me, robbing my sister of her mother. I didn’t will for my father to hate me. I didn’t want us thrown from house to house, living like stray dogs between aunts and grandparents. And I definitely didn’t will for my filthy fourteen-year-old boyfriend to rape my sister.
But in the end, they happened. Whether I willed them to or not, they happened.
And they all happened because ofme.
Me.
