Page 97 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“Never had braces.Betcha can’t tell.”Johnny smiled, showing off the gap between his front teeth and slightly crooked incisors.Then he snorted.“I don’t see why you gotta be embarrassed.You look like a man now, don’tcha?”
“It’s just not something I like people seeing.”
“I’m only curious, that’s all.”
Victor figured this would be something Johnny would want to see, and perhaps it was best to rip off the Band-Aid now so that they could get it over with.Most of his old photos were buried in folders in a box in his closet, and he hadn’t looked at them since he put them there.He knew some liked to look back and consider their progress, but it felt like being forced back into his worst memories, not just the ones of him feeling extremely dysphoric but those of losing his father and his fiancé in the same year.
“If I show you,” Victor said, “you have to promise me you’ll never ask again.”
Johnny held up a hand and made a cross on his chest with the other.“Swear on my mother’s grave.”
Victor went to his closet and found a box of old framed photos he’d packed forever ago.Finally he found an old engagement photo of him and Diego, and when he spotted it at the bottom of the box, he resisted the urge to shove it back under the other junk and tape the box shut.Instead he pulled out the photo and went to Johnny on the other side of the room.Johnny leaned forward to see.
“Damn,” he muttered.It looked like he wanted to say something, but he glanced at Victor with anticipation.
“Just say it,” Victor said with a sigh.
“How old were you in this?”
“Eighteen.”
“Alright then.You were a pretty girl.”
Victor slumped with relief.“Oh good, I thought you were gonna say something el—”
“Also, you had great tits.”
“—nevermind,” Victor groaned.
Johnny snickered, then sobered before turning to Victor.“That’s the guy we talked to at the Stock Show, yeah?”
“Diego?Yes.”
“So he’s not bi, he just dated you when you were a woman.”
“I wasn’t a—” Victor stopped himself, took a moment to reset his volume.“I was never a woman.”When Johnny appeared confused, Victor continued.“I was a man.I was always a man, even before I looked like one.In here, I was a man.”Victor tapped his head.“That’s why we sayassigned female at birthand notborn a woman.People made assumptions about me based on what my genitals looked like.It didn’t mean I was a woman.”Victor put the photo into the drawer of his nightstand and slammed it shut.“I know the distinction might not matter to you but it does to me.”
“But you lived to adulthood as a woman, right?You looked plenty girly in that photo.”
“I presented as female, but I wasn’t a woman.Listen, I know it’s confusing and again I know you’ll never really get it because you’re cis and all that—”
“Sis?”
“Cis.Cisgender.It just means your gender assigned at birth matches your biological sex.”
“My gender… assigned at birth matches my… biological sex,” Johnny repeated in utter confusion.God, he was so clueless.Why did Victor find that comforting?“This feels like bein’ in biology class.Learning about the parts in a cell or whatever.”
Victor had to laugh.“What?”
“I mean, it’s like bein’ in class when the kid next to me knows what the fuck is happenin’ and I do not.You know all about this, and I don’t.”
“That’s fine.Like I said, I don’t need you to know the specifics, I just… I just want you to know about who I am and not hate me for it.”
“Oh, Vic.”Johnny clicked his tongue and shook his head.“I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to.”
Victor’s throat tightened, and he swallowed several times as he fought the sudden urge to cry.Maybe this showed in his face, because Johnny reached out and dropped a heavy hand on top of his head.
“And whatever hot girl you mighta been ten years ago, you’ll only ever be a hot man to me.”
