Page 84 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“It’s Victor,” Victor repeated.
“Why the hell would you wanna be a man?Ain’t much to write home about if you ask me.”
“I can’t possibly explain it in a way you’d understand, so just accept the fact that this is who I am and I’m happier like this than I ever was before my transition.”
“You’re right about me not understandin’.I’ve heard about this goin’ the other way—you know, men wantin’ to be women—but I ain’t ever heard about a woman wantin’ to be a man.”
“Why is that so shocking to you?”
“I don’t know, but it is!”Johnny let out a frustrated sigh.“You coulda told me all this earlier, ya know.How long were you plannin’ on hidin’ it from me?You sucked my dick, for God’s sake.”
“I should have told you earlier, but it’s not really an easy thing to come out about.Plus I have to worry about my own safety.I didn’t know how you’d react.”
Johnny’s eyes narrowed again.“Your own safety?What’d you think I’d do, beat your ass?”
“You’re not always easy to read.”
“I ain’t angry, I’m confused.None of this makes a lick of sense to me.Here I was thinkin’ I knew you, but I guess I don’t know you at all.”
“You do know me.This doesn’t change anything about who I am.”
“It changes some things!I was thinkin’ you were a real man.”
“Iama real man!”Victor snapped, both angry and pained that he had to defend himself like this.
“You weren’t born one.”
“Why the fuck does that matter?Are you the same person now as you were when you were a newborn?”
“Christ, Vic, don’t make this sound more complicated than it needs to be.I… I just need some time to think about this.Tonight’s been too much for me.”Johnny pushed himself to a stand, taking a few steps toward the hotel room door.He stopped, paused, and pivoted to look at Victor.He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, then shook his head and turned back around.
“Johnny,” Victor pleaded at Johnny’s retreating back, and Johnny looked at him over his shoulder without saying anything.“Don’t just walk away.I need to know you don’t hate me.”
Johnny seemed genuinely perplexed for a second.“I don’t hate you.Why would you think that?”
“Because you seem angry.”
“I’m angry cuz I thought I knew who you were, but now I don’t.I guess I’m just…” He trailed off in thought.“Disappointed.”
“About what?”Victor asked, voice thin.
“Listen, I have no clue about anythin’ right now.I need to fuckin’ sleep on it.”
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
“So am I.”
“Can we meet up tomorrow or the day after to talk more about this?”
“I’ll think about it,” Johnny replied, then walked out of the room without another look back.
Victor stood there staring at the hotel room door, willing Johnny to return to assure Victor that this wouldn’t change anything between them.But he didn’t, and eventually Victor collapsed into a slumped sit on the edge of the bed, terrified that his confession might have just fucked this relationship up beyond repair.
CHAPTER 24
The next few days passed in a fog.Victor hauled all the horses back to Oklahoma from Fort Worth, and then it was business as usual.No matter how much he wanted to lie in bed and mope, horses always needed fed, watered, and cleaned up after.Between training sessions, he’d look at his phone and wish a text from Johnny into existence.That never seemed to work.They hadn’t spoken since that night in their hotel room in Fort Worth.Victor wanted to reach out to him but always ended up deleting the text after he wrote it.What could he say that hadn’t already been said?Victor knew that he should have thoughtgood riddanceif Johnny couldn’t accept the truth, but he was too invested in the man at this point to let him go.Victor’s trans identity had been the only thing left to share between them, and Victor wondered if it’d be the only thing to shake them loose.He’d already lost one love because of being trans, and now was he going to lose another?
Victor was about to slip into bed when his phone rang, displaying a number he didn’t recognize.Typically after his usual work hours he ignored calls, but he was bored enough to make an exception.Draping one arm over Bailey’s sleeping body curled up on the bed next to him, he clickedAcceptand held the phone to his ear.
