Page 54 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“Sounds like we have the same issue.”
“But things are different now, right?”Johnny perked up.“Listen, I think we could make this work to both our advantages.I figure, what happened Saturday night… we could make that more of a regular thing.You’re probably hard up, and so am I.We both know the pickin’s are slim.We could figure out some kind of, I dunno,arrangement.”
Victor frowned in confusion.“Arrangement?”
“Yeah.You know.What do they call it?Friends with benefits?”
Victor’s chest clenched again, but this time for a different reason.“You want to just… have sex.”
“We’re friends, ain’t we?Friends do things for each other, make each other feel good.That could be us, you know?”
“I was actually hoping for more than that.”
“More?Like what?”
Victor stared at Johnny a second, appalled that Johnny really couldn’t seem to think up an answer.“Like acommitment,” Victor clarified.“We could actually date each other.”
Now it was Johnny’s turn to stare with lacking comprehension.For the first time, his eyes turned serious and his mouth folded into a thin line.After an awkward pause, he reached up to rub at the back of his neck.“Listen, Vic, you know I care about you and all that but… this is ruralOklahoma.This ain’t California.Ain’t no way you can just walk ‘round holdin’ hands and grocery shoppin’ together, ‘less you want a Molotov cocktail thrown through your window one night while you’re sleepin’.”
Victor found his throat constricted, making it hard to breathe and speak.“It can’t bethatbad.I just met a lesbian farrier who lives here with her wife, and they’re out.”
“Good for them, I guess, but I ain’t nowhere ready to bring that sort of shit into my life.People in the world of rodeo still know my name, and I got a reputation I gotta uphold.It’s not—listen, I’m still attracted to women, and I plan on datin’women.I’ve lived a hard life, and I don’t want things to be any harder than they need to be.”
“Just because you make a commitment doesn’t mean you need to be out.I live on a big horse farm with no neighbors.It’s not like I’m regularly monitored.We don’t have to hold hands or kiss in public—that’s not what I’m asking for.”
“And you’d be happy with that?”
“I don’t really have a choice, do I?”Victor asked, exasperated.
“I have a choice, and I don’t want trouble.I don’t mind messin’ ‘round with men sometimes for fun, but I don’t date them.I just ain’t got no interest in that.”
“You just said we were friends.So if you like me as a friend and you also want to sleep with me—”
“Vic…” Johnny rubbed a hand over his hair with frustration.“This ain’t about you.Ain’t nothin’ wrong with you, I just don’t date men.”
“So you just want a fuck buddy, then.”
“Don’t you?Ain’t you hard up?”
“This is about more than being horny.God.”Victor shoved himself out of the chair and stalked across to the window, staring out at the outdoor arena where a boarder was currently doing circles on her Appaloosa mare.Finally he turned to look at Johnny.“What was your plan for this?We call each other up when we’re bored and jerk each other off?”
“We could have a conversation afterward.It ain’t like we stop bein’ friends.”
“I’m not going to be a hand or mouth to use for gratification when you’re lonely.That’s not what I’m interested in.”
“Why you gotta talk about it like that?That ain’t how I see you, Christ.”
“Unlike you,” Victor said, turning to face Johnny fully, “I am not bisexual.I can’t just choose to pursue women because being gay is too hard.I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.”
“Did I ever say that you should be?”
“My time for fucking around for fun was in my 20’s.I did all that.Sometimes it was great, but it was also awful sometimes, and I’m not interested in going through it again.I’m not going to accept half of what I want because I’m desperate.”
“Now come on, Vic, don’t get hysterical.It’s just sex.You ain’t gotta act like a woman ‘bout this.”
At that moment, Victor could have killed him.Thank God he was staunchly against that sort of thing, or else he’d be tempted to punch Johnny right across that crooked nose.From the tone of his voice to the slouch in his posture, Johnny made it quite clear that he barely cared, and that somehow hurt more than anything he could have said.Though what he said had hurt, Victor’s whole body clenched up like it did right before a horse threw him and he had to brace for impact.
“You have five minutes to get off my property,” Victor said.
