Page 28 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“Listen, the rain is picking up.Why don’t I take you back to my place and let you sleep it off?”
Johnny frowned but didn’t immediately respond.Finally he sighed and held up a hand.Victor did his best to drag a sopping wet and defeated Johnny to his feet.
The drive was silent for the first few minutes.Victor heard Johnny sniffling from the back seat and the slide of clothing as he rolled over, but that was it.Finally Johnny pulled himself to a sit so that he could meet Victor’s gaze in the rearview mirror.
“I didn’t mean to punch ya,” he muttered, his voice so muffled Victor struggled to understand him.
“It’s fine.You have terrible aim.”
Johnny sank back down out of view, and he stayed there until Victor pulled into his driveway.Victor had a bit of déjà vu as he pulled Johnny out of the truck and helped him walk to the house, where Johnny kicked off his boots at the door and fell onto the couch.Victor decided to leave him there and headed back to his truck so he could unpack all the horse feed before it got totally soaked in the rain.
* * *
Victor returned to the house two hours later to find Johnny sitting on the porch bench, bent over with his head in his hands.When he heard Victor’s boots on the steps, he pulled his hands from his messy strawberry blonde hair and looked up.The puffiness had faded a little, but he still didn’t look great.Victor was afraid of being told some bad news.
“You were gone a long time,” Johnny muttered as he pet the dogs who thrust their noses up toward his face to lick him.
“Had to unload all the feed and take care of things for the night.I thought you’d be sleeping it off.”
“I’m still kinda drunk,” Johnny replied, pinching his nose.“But I’m sobering up.”
“That’s good.”
Johnny scratched behind his neck and shifted with discomfort.“Uh, thanks for bringin’ me here.”
“Care to explain what this is all about?Is Taylor okay?”
“Taylor?Oh.Yeah, she’s fine.This is about something dumber than that.”
Maybe it had something to do with Daisy?That was the last person to get Johnny this out of sorts.“So what is it?”
Johnny pressed his lips together, like he was trying to keep control over himself.“This mornin’ at work the guy who manages the horse barn said my horse had gotten herself into some kind of trouble and asked me to come quick.Turns out she fell into this ditch and broke her neck.”
Victor’s mouth dropped open.“Are you serious?Which horse?”
Victor’s mouth trembled before he rubbed it.“Colonel.”
“Jesus.I’m sorry, Johnny.”
“They wanted to call the vet but I knew that’d take forever and she was in a lotta pain.So I took care of it myself.”Johnny sucked in a shuddering breath, eyes tearing up again.“God fucking damnit,” he growled as he pinched his eyes.
Victor crossed the porch and slowly sank down onto the bench next to Johnny.He wanted to hug him, and ten years ago, he wouldn’t have had any reservations about it.But men were weird about physical affection, and men in rural Oklahoma even more so.So he sat there hating the stupid gender conventions that kept him awkward and unsure of how to proceed.
Victor decided a hand on the back couldn’t hurt, so that’s what he did.“Hey, I’m so sorry.What an awful thing to happen.”
“I had that horse since I was a lil kid,” Johnny sobbed, hiding his face behind both hands now.“Ain’t no horse in the world like her, and she didn’t deserve that way to go.I told myself that when the time came I was gonna make it as easy and peaceful as possible.She didn’t deserve—fuck.Here I am cryin’ like a baby over a horse.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.I’ve cried way more over horses who meant half as much to me.”
“If my daddy saw me like this—” Johnny hiccupped, and it became apparent how hard he was trying to hide his face from Victor as he tilted his hat absurdly low on his crown.
Victor allowed himself a few circular rubs between Johnny’s shoulders, wishing he could envelope Johnny and let him cry into his chest or lap.It hurt to see Johnny try so hard to suppress and hide the way he felt over a terrible loss.Johnny never talked about his parents so Victor didn’t know what to think of them, but that one cut-off phrase gave Victor a glimpse.
“I had thought I’d cried myself out,” Johnny mumbled.“I was hoping you wouldn’t have to see me like this.”
“You think I haven’t seen a drunk man cry before?”Victor asked, and Johnny snorted a laugh.“Johnny, you were practically in tears over Daisy after that rodeo, remember?”
“Yeah, well.”Johnny sniffed and wiped at his cheeks.“Daddy woulda kicked my ass over that, too.”
