Page 83 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“It’s not an easy thing to admit,” Victor muttered, doing his best to maintain eye contact with Johnny.“Because the current climate around this is scary at best.You’ve been honest with me, so I’m going to be honest with you.”Victor sucked in a deep breath and clenched his shaking hands into fists in hopes of steadying them.He could feel his heart thumping between his ears.“So I’m just going to say it.I’m—I’m a transgender man.”
There was a long pause, and Johnny’s expression barely changed.Victor took tiny sips of breath through his mouth as his whole body tensed like it might before a fight.His palms were already sweating.
“You’re… what?”
“I’m a transgender man,” Victor said barely above a whisper.
Johnny pursed his lips, face pinched.Finally it seemed to dawn on him, and confusion turned into wide-eyed bafflement.He took another few steps closer, neck stretched forward and head tilted.
“Are you sayin’ you wanna be awoman?”Johnny finally said.
Victor held back an explosive snort of laughter, his diaphragm quivering.He might have replied if he thought he could do it without giggling.
Johnny gave Victor a skeptical once-over.“No offense, Vic, but I can’t see you as a woman.”
The laugh finally emerged with a burst of air, and Victor pressed a hand to his mouth to keep it from taking over.Johnny’s consternation deepened as Victor’s laughter rolled out of him, fueled by tension leaving his body.When he finally got a hold of himself, he said, “I’m not a transwoman, Johnny.I’m a trans man.”
“Wait.You mean…?”It was clear none of it was registering behind Johnny’s eyes, and Victor wanted to laugh again.The man was completely unplugged from the cultural hysteria around gender identity, and Victor sent a word of thanks to the gods for making Johnny so oblivious to current events.
“I was assigned female at birth,” Victor explained, but again, Johnny wasn’t understanding.So Victor decided to use some less acceptable language to get his point across.“I was born a woman.”
It finally hit him.His eyes flew wide, his mouth parted in shock, and he gave Victor a few baffled once-overs before confusion set in again.“But… but you ain’t got…” He made a grabbing motion with his hands over his chest, implying what Victor assumed to be breasts.
“I had them removed years ago.”
“They can do that?”
“It’s not an easy process, but basically, yes.”
Johnny stared at him for a few seconds before continuing.“But your voice, and you’ve got hair on your face—I’ve seen that!”
“I take testosterone.I give myself shots.”
Johnny let out a bewildered snort, performed a pirouette on one heel, then held his head with both hands before saying, “So that’s what all those needles in your bathroom were for.”
“What?What were you doing snooping around my bathroom?”
“I was lookin’ for some Tylenol for a hangover, that’s all.I didn’t say anything cuz I wondered if you might be diabetic, but I also thought you might be… you know.On drugs or something.”
“Seriously?”
“Well, what was I supposed to think!?You had a lot of bottles and needles and shit in your cabinet.I would have never thought—I mean, who would?This is… I gotta sit down.”Johnny staggered over to the bed and collapsed onto the edge, running a hand through his hair.He then twisted to look at Victor.“So these drugs you’re on give you a beard and all that?”
“Yeah.It’s just like going through male puberty.Low voice, body hair, the whole works.”
“But…” Johnny’s gaze darted down to Victor’s belt.“It don’t give you a dick, does it?”
Victor could have explained what testosterone did to a clit but he figured they could cover that if or when Johnny was ready to interact with it.“No.You can get one surgically but I haven’t had that done.”
“They can give you adicknow?”
Victor sighed.“I don’t know much about it.I’ve never been that interested in getting one.”It was expensive, and the details of the surgery made him wary.Just wearing a packer convinced him what a pain an extra appendage could be, especially if he spent all day straddling a horse.
“Goddamn it, Vic, this is too fuckin’ much for me right now.”Johnny dropped his face into his hands a second, rubbing his cheeks.Then he suddenly straightened and twisted to face Victor.“Wait, is Victor even your real name?”
“Yes,” Victor said, tone firm.
“But you weren’tbornVictor.”
