Page 82 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“Because Iknowyou.It’s completely different.”
“Sorry, but you were askin’ for way too much.I know you’re a Californian boy and you think that the whole world is cool with the queers now, but small town Oklahoma is still livin’ in the 1930s.If you wanted to have a cute lil public gay life with a partner, you shoulda moved to Massachusetts.”
Victor’s whole body tensed like it sensed impending danger.He tried to keep his voice steady when he replied, “I’m not stupid.I know it’s hard.It wouldn’t even have to be public.It’s really no one’s business what I get up to with who.I was asking for aprivatecommitment, which I really don’t think is too much to ask for.”
“You think people wouldn’t guess?What, a guy moves in with you and you think people would be too dim to realize what’s really goin’ on?”
“What else would you suggest?I just live alone the rest of my life?”
“I ain’t gonna tell you what to do, I’m just sayin’ that you’re in for a world of hurt if you get what you want, and I ain’t got interest in goin’ through that.My life’s fuckin’ hard enough.”
“So you’re just going to date women and lie to everyone for the rest of your life?”
“Beats the alternative, which is gettin’ the shit kicked out of you.Tell me, how many times in your life have you been called a faggot to your face?”
Victor sucked in a sharp breath, nerves still stinging and body rigid.“I’ve been called a faggot before.”
“Yeah?When?”
“Back when I lived in LA.”Victor didn’t want to go into the details.He wanted to tell Johnny he’d been called transphobic slurs more than homophobic ones, but he hadn’t told Johnny the truth about that yet, so he had to bite his tongue.Still, the night he’d been walking home hand-in-hand with a gay friend and got screamed at from a passing car was burned into his memory.People said the city was more accepting, but there were also tons more people to accost you when you were least expecting it.
Johnny pushed himself to a stand and took a few steps closer to Victor, face strangely stoic.Victor had to crane his head back to look him in the eye.
“First time I got called a faggot, I was six years old,” Johnny said with a flat voice.“Cuz my daddy found me playin’ dolls with two of the girls who lived down the road.”
“That’s—Johnny—”
“I think my daddy called me faggot so many times it lost its meaning.If I cried, if I wore purple, if I danced a certain way, if I was friends with a girl.Sometimes he’d follow it up with a fist.So when I realized I was actually attracted to men around puberty, I knew what a fuckin’ death sentence it was.It’s why I left at sixteen—well, that and the fact I was sure he was gonna kill me at some point if I didn’t leave.I ended up followin’ the rodeo around, makin’ whatever little pocket change I could to survive.But it ain’t easy, you know.You don’t make money if you don’t win, and I wasn’t very good when I was startin’ out.The thing they don’t tell you is that most of these rodeo pros live off daddy’s money in the beginning—ain’t no other way to survive.I was one of the only kids tryin’ to make it all on my own.Sometimes I didn’t eat for two days.You can’t keep a regular job if you’re travelin’ all the time, so I had to try to make what money I could.”He paused, and there was a flash of pain in his eyes, the first Victor had seen him show.“Usually at truck stops.”
Victor stared at him a few seconds before he started to comprehend what Johnny was getting at.His stomach dropped as his throat tightened.“You mean, like… sex work?”
“That what they callin’ it now?”Johnny shrugged.“It was what it was.It wasn’t all bad.But I was a stupid kid who didn’t know what the fuck he was gettin’ into.One time a guy pointed a gun at me and told me if my faggot ass didn’t get out of his truck, he was gonna put a bullet in my brain.”
Johnny said it so matter-of-factly, like it didn’t matter.Victor knew better.He wanted to reach out and touch Johnny, but he felt frozen in place, completely at a loss for what to say.
“I think I was seventeen at the time,” Johnny said, staring just past Victor’s shoulder.“By nineteen or twenty I was makin’ enough money at rodeo that I could sustain myself, and the rest is history.”Johnny blinked a bit and turned, jaw tense.“Anyway, I’ve been called a faggot enough in my life to I know I don’t ever wanna be called it again.Life is easier datin’ women and just fittin’ in.Maybe you think that’s cowardice, but for me it’s about gettin’ to enjoy my life and not dealin’ with anyone’s bullshit ever again.”Johnny shoved his hands into his back pockets, swallowing loudly.“So there you have it.”
Victor hadn’t thought of anything to say yet, torn between his desire to fight for what he wanted and his empathy for what Johnny had been through.“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t need your pity.It is what it is.”Johnny sniffed and took a few steps back, turning away.“I haven’t ever told anyone about how I lived in those early rodeo days.”
“It sounded rough.”
Johnny shrugged but he wouldn’t meet Victor’s gaze, and his hunched stance made it pretty clear how uncomfortable the admission made him.Victor couldn’t imagine keeping something like that a secret for over ten years, but he felt oddly honored to be the first person Johnny felt comfortable enough to confess it to.
“And your dad sounds like a real asshole.”
Johnny snorted.“Yeah, well, he’s dead, so at least he ain’t hurtin’ no one no more.”
Victor was tempted to reach out and touch Johnny again, but they were still at such an impasse that Victor didn’t know what to do.Victor wasn’t always great with words, so touch felt easier.At the same time, he knew Johnny probably didn’t want it.He looked strung tight like a violin string.
“Aaaanyway,” Johnny muttered, looking to the hotel room door.“Guess I should probably get goin’ in case Taylor wakes up and wonders where I got off to.”
Victor tried to think of something to say as Johnny headed for the door.It wasn’t right to leave things like this between them, all raw and torn open without any acknowledgement of how to deal with what Johnny had come here to argue about.Victor felt like the only way to draw him back would be to do or say something drastic.Johnny had been painfully honest with Victor.Maybe it was finally time to return the favor.
“Johnny,” Victor said just as Johnny reached for the hotel room door.When Johnny paused and looked at him over his shoulder, Victor swallowed down the lump in his throat, closed his eyes to draw up the courage, and said, “There’s something I have to tell you.”
“Yeah?”Johnny turned slightly more toward Victor, sensing the fear in Victor’s voice perhaps.“Somethin’ wrong?”
