Page 138 of The Only Seconds that Matter
They stopped at a stream to let the horses drink, and Johnny threw off his boots to wade in.He didn’t last long; snowpack made the streams much colder than one would expect in this weather.Victor laughed from his seated position on a nearby boulder as Johnny hopped back to shore swearing under his breath.
They barely made it to the campgrounds by dusk.There were a few pens provided for horses, as well a couple firepits and bathrooms down a long winding trail through the pines.No one else was camping out tonight, which gave them free reign of the space.Victor helped Johnny erect the tent, and once it became too dark to do much else, they started a fire and cooked some marshmallows over the flame.
“Would you believe I’ve never been camping before?”Johnny said as he peeled a marshmallow gingerly off his stick.It wasn’t going well; he struggled to get more than a few strings into his mouth.“Daisy took me with her to some thing near a lake, but we were in her parents’ RV.Didn’t feel much like campin’.”
“Didn’t you say your dad took you hunting?”
“Huntin’, sure.Not much campin’ though.”
“My dad and I used to come up here a few times a year.We brought Oscar with us a few times but all he did was complain.”Victor snorted, remembering Oscar’s belly aching that even tested his father’s patience.He was not a kid built for the wilderness.He was much happier now in his modern apartment in Pasadena, and Victor couldn’t help but feel grateful for it.Because of him, he’d had many years of priceless moments with his dad for himself.
“Do you get along with your brother at all?”Johnny asked.
“We can tolerate each other.He’s notan asshole, he’s just… frustrating at times.He’s in his own universe, and he likes it that way.Even if I invited him to the farm, I don’t think he’d come.My lifestyle holds no draw for him.”
“Can’t wait to meet him,” Johnny muttered, and Victor laughed.
“We’ll see how it goes.”They’d planned on meeting up with Oscar on their last night in California.They’d stay overnight at his place before going to the airport the next morning.Victor had no clue how Oscar would take to Johnny.They were very different people with very different interests.“We have to get along if I plan on staying here through my…” Victor had to force himself to say, “pregnancy.”
“Maybe you could just rent a place somewhere instead.”
“Do you have any idea what rent in LA costs?”
“I just sold the land my house was on.Maybe we could use that—”
“I can tolerate Oscar for a few months.I’d rather save that money for bills or whatever else.”Johnny often assumed Victor was flush with cash, but beyond the value of his property, Victor was living on the margins.There wasn’t much money in horses, which was why only rich people stayed in it for long.
“If you insist.I just don’t want you stressed out all the time.”
“I will be stressed whether or not I’m living with Oscar.This whole situation has me stressed.”
Johnny reached out and rubbed Victor’s forearm.“I know, sweetheart.”
Victor melted a bit atsweetheartbecause he was such a sucker for pet names, and Johnny had been more freely using them, at least in private.
He had to give Johnny some credit for being such a champ through this fiasco thus far.Victor had not been easy to get along with in the past few weeks, and it was by the grace of God that Johnny had taken the news so well.After the test came back positive, Victor had spent two tortured days not just worried about what havoc pregnancy would wreak upon his body but that it might lead Johnny to break up with him.Thankfully, Johnny had the opposite reaction—he’d been ecstatic.Victor had spent years dreaming about fatherhood, and yet when the moment came, he could only catastrophize and panic about it.By contrast, Johnny probably hadn’t spent a second of his life thinking about it, and yet he was on board the moment Victor shared the test.It was easier for Johnny to feel so upbeat—it wasn’thimwho had to push an eight-pound human out of his vagina.
Victor took Johnny’s hand, held it for a moment, then lowered his head to Johnny’s thigh, watching the firelight flicker.Johnny rubbed his upper arm gently, his fingers dancing through Victor’s hair.Thank God he still had Johnny.If Victor had to go through this alone, he might have not survived it.
“Everything’s gonna be alright,” Johnny said gently.
“I wish I believed that.I hate that I’m already losing muscle mass.It’s driving me crazy, on top of everything else.It’s a stupid thing but, like… I worked over ten years to look like this, and I’m gonna lose it.”
“Short-term pain for long-term gain.”
“Yeah, I know.”Victor reallydidwant to be a father.Even as a teenager, he’d wanted a husband and kids, a peaceful little country life where he could grow old and pass on the love he’d received by his own father.The only thing that could push past the dysphoria and anxiety was the fantasy of teaching his kid their first steps, followed soon after by their first pony ride.“Do you think I’ll be a good dad?”
“You should ask Taylor.She’d tell ya.She’s already glued to you enough as it is.”
Victor sat up to grab another marshmallow, then thrust it toward the fire.“What about you?Do you worry about what kind of parent you’ll be?”
Johnny was quiet long enough that Victor turned to look at him.He was staring into the flame with unnecessary concentration.“Sure I do.All the damn time.I don’t know if I can do it, but I’m gonna try.”
“I know you can.Taylor loves you.”
“She didn’t live with me when things were bad.”
“Would it have gotten that bad if you had a kid who needed you?”
