Page 126 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“And yet where am I?”
Johnny sighed and sat up, turning to face Victor.“You can’t be patient with me forever.”
“No.But if you’re afraid of driving me away, maybe you shouldn’t purposely try to make it happen.”
“It’s different when I make a decision versus it just happenin’ naturally.It’s like…” Johnny’s face tightened with thought.“It feels better to have control of a thing than just lettin’ it play out.”
Victor reached out to touch Johnny’s wrist, thumb sweeping through the blond hairs on the side of his hand.“I’m going to make up a metaphor that might resonate if you hear me out.”
“What metaphor?”
“When you ride a bucking horse, you let go at eight seconds, right?There’s no point in holding on after that.”
Johnny eyed him suspiciously.“Not really.”
“Because you’ll fall off eventually.”
“Because they stop judgin’ ya after eight seconds.”
“But what if the objective was to hold on as long as you possibly could?Like, what if the objective wasn’t to ride the craziest horse for eight seconds but to buck out a horse you wanted to train to ride?”
“What the hell are you even talkin’ about?”
“I’m saying that you’re letting go because you’re trying to get the most out of a short ride.But if you change your priorities, you can change the ride.Maybe the objective with me isn’t to ride hard and fast and then fuck off.Maybe the objective is to hold on until the horse gets tired.”
“You think I need emotional stuff to be explained to me in rodeo terms to get it?”
Victor snorted, then laughed.“Do you understand what I mean though?”
“Not really.”
“You’re fucking all of this up because you can’t stop thinking about the inevitable end.All you can see is the fall.”Victor slid his hand over Johnny’s wrist.“But you could just enjoy the ride, you know?”
“I’ll fuck up and hurt you.”
“Okay, sure.Maybe you will.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“You can’t love people without hurting them.That’s just how love is.I’m not going into this blind.I know every ugly thing there is to know about you, more than anyone else.I’ve decided that I’d like to be with you anyway.You don’t get to decide on the risks I take.”
Johnny looked down at Victor’s hand on his wrist, then pulled his arm up so that his fingers could fold through Victor’s.
“What if I can’t stop drinkin’?”Johnny asked, voice a little rough.“What then?”
“That’s for me to figure out.”
“If this goes any further, I can’t…” Johnny sucked in a shaky breath.“I don’t wanna lose you.”
With his free hand, Victor reached out to touch Johnny’s cheek, rough with a two-day beard and pinkened with a touch of sunburn.Johnny leaned into the touch like he craved it, and it made Victor’s stomach flip.
“Then hold onto me, cowboy,” Victor murmured, which got Johnny laughing.Victor interrupted him with a hasty kiss, and afterward they tumbled onto the bed together, lips, arms, and legs entwined, their twenty minute deadline forgotten.
CHAPTER 35
Johnny was back to work the next day, and afterward he spent several hours on the phone with his insurance company so he could determine what the hell he was going to do with whatever was left of his house.He and Victor picked over the bones a bit more, trying to gather what they could, finding photos, clothes, bills several years old, and even one boot a couple of properties over.Even if the home was a goner, the property remained, so it was up to Johnny on what he wanted to do with it.He could have the mess cleaned up and put a new trailer on it, but it sounded to Victor like Johnny was thinking about selling it and washing his hands of it entirely.It wasn’t the piece of land he’d grown up on, so it wasn’t something he was attached to, and after losing one trailer to the forces of nature, he didn’t seem keen on tempting fate again.
This left Johnny at Victor’s house without much of a plan, but Victor figured that would come later, because of all Johnny’s faults, sitting on his hands and doing nothing was not in his nature.Hard work and emotional repression were baked into his blood; if anyone could grit their teeth and push through grief through sheer force of will, it was Johnny.Unfortunately the desire to take care of others was baked into Victor, and in this way they clashed—Victor wanted to nurture and Johnny resisted nurturing.Victor knew that every inch he gained on Johnny would be won only through sweat and suffering.Still, Victor had already wormed his way into a few of Johnny’s cracks.With enough wiggling, Victor could probably pry him open.
