Page 118 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“And your father was abusive to you.So who have you abused lately?”
“Drinkin’ and abuse are different.”
“What I’m saying is that you aren’t doomed to do the same shit your dad and grandfather did.You’re already better than both of them.”
Victor’s words didn’t seem to land, because Johnny still looked lost and dejected.So Victor did what was natural and went to him, grasping his head with both hands and pressing their chests together.
“I already love you,” Victor said, voice shaky but determined.“So if you think you’ll hurt me more the longer this goes on, it’s too late.”
“Vic,” Johnny choked out, grabbing Victor’s hands with his own and clasping them between his palms as if in a prayer.“Please don’t.”
“Please don’t what?Don’t love you?”
“You’re always doing so much for me,” Johnny blurted, voice fragile.“It only makes me feel worse.You’ve got so much to give and I don’t got nothin’.”
“What have I given you?”
“A fuckin’ horse, for one.”
He had Victor there.“I also got a horse for your niece.”
Johnny’s laughter was shaky but genuine.“Add it to the list.”
“It’s not like I splurged.I didn’t get you a trained horse.I bought you a fixer upper.That’s different.”
“It don’t fuckin’ matter what the horse is, it’s ahorse.You brought my horses here so I didn’t have to pay board.You helped me clean out my house, made sure I got sober and got my roof repaired.You cook me food and give me foot rubs.You look after Taylor when no one else will.What the fuck have I done other than fuckin’drinkand disappoint you?”Johnny pulled back, rubbing the butt of his palm against his mouth.“And don’t act like you don’t have a clue, cuz I see it on your face.Every time I pull away, every time I try to keep you at a distance, I see you there lookin’ so got-damn hurt, it fuckin’ kills me.You make me feel like such a piece of shit, and it ain’t even your fault.It makes me wanna drink.I just don’t wanna feel this way.”Johnny’s arms slithered up over his head as he squatted in the dirt, like he wanted to make himself as small as possible.“When I’m drunk I don’t hate myself.”
“Johnny—”
“And I know what you’re gonna do.You’re gonna come over here and comfort me and tell me all the things I wanna hear, cuz that’s what you do.That’s the kinda person you are.I don’t deserve it.”
The porch light clicked off, bathing them all in darkness except for the one square of golden light through the kitchen window.
Johnny had put Victor in an impossible situation, when offering comfort felt the same as offering condemnation.If Johnny was bound and determined to hate himself, then there was no way Victor could stop him.
“If you don’t love me or want my love, then you can get in the truck and drive home,” Victor said.“Get drunk and be miserable, if that’s all you think you’re worth.”
Johnny stood, outlined only by a thin sliver of light from the kitchen.He reached for the truck door but stopped.“Vic…”
Victor felt a sudden well of tears in his eyes, so he turned around and marched back to the porch.The light flicked on again, illuminating the path to the front door.Victor expected Johnny to come after him, but then he heard the sound of the truck door opening and closing.By the time Victor turned around, the truck engine roared to life and the headlights cut a blazing path through the dark.Victor watched it make a three-point turn and then trundle down the driveway, the cloud in its wake drifting silently into the blackness of night.
CHAPTER 33
Victor tried to call Johnny twice the next morning and got only his voicemail.Victor called Sarah too, but she hadn’t seen Johnny in a few days, and certainly not since early this morning.Victor didn’t have time to call around to every person in town who had any connection with Johnny—he had a full day of work.So he did his very best to put Johnny out of his mind before he got to riding.But every time he passed Doña’s paddock, it made him think about Johnny.And worry about Johnny.And feel angry as hell at Johnny for being the way he was.
Jade showed up around ten to teach a group lesson and then work with her own training prospects.When they broke for lunch, they sat on a grass slope next to the barn, eating sandwiches and drinking soda.
“Sure is nice out today,” Jade said.“I hear there’s a storm rolling in tomorrow.They think it’s gonna be a doozy.”
“Oh yeah?”
“They’re saying we could see tornados.”
Victor got a tingling of fear in his gut.“Wonderful.Looking forward to it.”
Jade grinned.“Have you seen one yet since moving here?”
“No, and I’d like not to.”
