Page 117 of The Only Seconds that Matter
“So what, you thought you’d just sneak out and go to a bar?”
Johnny nodded.
Victor grabbed the truck door and tossed it open.“How many times have you done this before?”
“None.This is the first time.”
“Oh, really?You expect me to believe that?”
“I swear on my mother’s grave.”
“Don’t you have someone you call about this?Someone in AA?”
“Haven’t been going to AA for a couple months now.”
“Why the fuck not?”
Johnny’s face was eerily blank, his voice also.What was Victor supposed to do with that?He had no clue if he should be mad or worried.“Toldja, there’s too much God shit, and I don’t really need those people.”
“No?That’s why you’re getting up at three in the morning to get drunk?”
“I didn’t go.I’m just sittin’ here.”
“If it was one in the morning, you probably wouldn’t be.”
Johnny’s face turned so pained you’d think Victor had just told him the worst news of his life.“I don’t know.”
“Why?What the fuck is going on?I want to know why you’re so desperate to drink right now.Is it because of work?”
“No.I just…” Johnny sucked in a deep, shuddering breath.“I just feel too much.”
“I have no clue what that means.”
Johnny pulled the keys out of the ignition and slid out of the truck seat, turning away from Victor to close the door.He didn’t reply.
“Johnny,” Victor pushed, stuck between despondent and enraged.Why did this man have to be so fucking complicated?
“I wish you didn’t care about me so much,” Johnny finally said.
“What?”
“The more you care about me, the more I’m gonna disappoint you.”
Victor sighed.“Can you please go inside?It’s too early for me to deal with this.”
“I’ve always had shit taste in women, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t date anyone I can’t stand to lose.Because I lose everyone.It’s how I’m built I guess.”Johnny sniffed, rubbing at his face.“Part of me wonders why I even bother with this sobriety shit.I’ve been drinkin’ since I was thirteen.My daddy was a drunk, and my grandaddy.Why fight this hard against somethin’ that’s a part of me?If it don’t get me now, it’ll get me in a month, or a year.But by then you’ll like me even more than you do now, and I’ll hurt you, and that’ll be on my conscience for the rest of my fuckin’ life.”
Victor stared at him, though it wasn’t easy since he’d turned off the truck and taken the headlights with him.Now there was just the motion-sensor light on the porch, and that’d probably shut off at any moment if they didn’t go inside.
“How long have you been thinking about this?”Victor asked.
“I been a piece of shit for a long time,” Johnny responded.“But I guess I only put it together recently.”
Victor wanted to tell Johnny to get a proper therapist because all of this was too much for Victor to handle, but he knew that the proper reply to Johnny’s emotional honesty was not to refer him to someone else.So he tried to come up with a response that was insightful and helpful even when his brain was low on sleep.
“Was your grandfather abusive to your dad?”Victor asked.
“Yeah.”
