Page 35 of Chef
“Thank you!” Damian’s voice booms from what feels like just outside the door and I let out a screech. “Make it quick! I have work to do!”
*****
“OK, now that you’re all washed and moisturized to within an inch of your life, how do you feel?” Joe asks, giving me a solemn look.
“I feel slippery. And near nude,” I reply from my spot on the bed in a robe with nothing underneath.
“Good. Now lie down.” Damian says, looming over me with a makeup brush in hand.
“Excuse me?” I ask, clasping my robe tighter to me.
Damian clicks his tongue. “ I can’t do this if you sittin’ there.”
“Sitting where? On my bed? Do you need me in a chair?”
“Baby, you gotta lie down if you want me to work my magic. Helps if you pretend you're dead, too.”
I stare at him wide eyed, before darting my gaze to Joe and Loyal who look like they’re going to piss themselves laughing at any moment.
I let out a long sigh. I mean, at least I get to lie back down. Maybe I’ll even take a little nap. “Fine. You win. Just, don’t do anything too weird.”
“You mean weirder than making you pretend you’re dead so he can make you look hot for your fake wedding?” Loyal asks, her lips pinched to keep from laughing.
“Something like that,” I reply, waving my hand in the air as I lay back on my bed, hands clasped on my chest in the perfect death pose.
“Just. Like. That,” Damian murmurs.
I lie as still as I can, concentrating on my breathing and not at all on the swirling emotions making my gut feel like there are angry chickens flapping around in there.
“So, cher, how you feeling?” Damian asks the question I keep asking myself.
“Confused. Scared. Excited,” I murmur, using as little lip movement as possible.
Someone, I’m guessing, Loyal, grasps my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know you don’t want to do this. I know it’s a means to an end. But,” I hear her swallow, “Do you love him?”
I lie as still as I can while my mind whirrs. Voicing my thoughts has never been something I was good at, but maybe sharing will help me figure out what the hell is going on with me. “I loved him so much and he broke my heart. Then I hated him. Now,” I swallow, “now everything feels different. And not in a bad way.”
“Oohh child, OK. Let’s work through that,” Joe says and I feel her weight settle on the bed on the other side of me. “What was your love like before?”
“Sweet. Gentle. Hot.” The words tumble out of me.
“Ahhhh,” Damian murmurs. “Young love.”
“Yep,” Joe agrees. “It’s new, fresh, everything feels so damn intense. Like if you could crawl inside their skin you would. Like you’d do anything for them. Put their needs before yours because all you can think about is how much you love them and want them to be happy.”
I freeze, because, shit, she’s not wrong. I loved Chef so much that I would have done anything for him. So much that I think I went along with things just to make him happy. Not that heasked me to, I just preempted his needs because I wanted to make him happy.
“Oh, she’s quiet. I think you got her,” Loyal’s teasing voice says.
“Um, yeah, it was just like that. I guess that’s why when he broke up with me and left it hurt so much. I just couldn't figure out what I did wrong.”
“And then?” Joe prompts.
“And then I realised I wasn't the problem. And that made me angry. And then I saw him get shot and fight for his life and all that anger just… went away. And I got scared. Don’t get me wrong, he still pisses me off every now and then, but it’s not the same.”
“Good. And now? What do you feel now when you look at him? When you spend time with him?”
“I feel safe. And loved,” I whisper the end, because I guess I don’t want to let myself believe it too much, just in case.
