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My jaw dropped. It was unavoidable. The man was far too casual for such an immense statement.
"I want you to hear me, baby. I’m not pretending or making promises I don't understand the terms of. I'm telling you I’ve known something was going on for a while now, and in the time I've been figuring it out, I've felt a lot of things. Scared was never one of them." He held my gaze. "It’s been more so a need to understand it. I had a desire to make it known you didn’t have to carry it by yourself anymore."
I looked at him across the table. Compelled by my need to verify things, I started in on what I knew.
"How long have you been researching this?"
"A while. Because I needed to understand what you were dealing with before I could be the person you needed. So I learned all I could through medical journals, news articles, and Reddit posts." He tilted his head. "I have strong opinions about door handles now, if that's helpful."
Laughter burst out of me at his serious tone. I pressed my lips together to attempt to halt any more. This wasn’t a laughing matter.
Then I took a slow breath so as to not cry, though it was still a big possibility.
"You didn't say anything. While you were doing all this research," I managed.
He sat upright. "It wasn't mine to say. It was yours. I just wanted to make sure that when you were ready, nothing about it would be harder than it had to be."
Silence descended at his confession. Outside, the neighborhood was full of noise. Someone's dog barking happily, a car going down the street, the distant sound of voices shouting. Inside, it was just the two of us trapped in a standoff of emotions.
"I’ve spent a long time believing that the parts of me that needed support would be the parts that made me unlovable."
"I’ve picked up on that," he said.
"I don't know how to stop believing that all the way. Not yet."
"That's okay. You don't have to have it figured out. That's what I'm here for."
We sat with that for a moment. Then he gently told me, "You look tired, Grizzly."
My breath came out in a choked laugh. This time I didn’t try to hide it. "I cleaned the house like a mad man this afternoon. I was so nervous to tell you that I had to do something."
"I figured it was probably along those lines." He looked at me with a warmth that I could feel from across the table. "Come sit with me on the couch. Bring whatever you need to be comfy."
I knew what he meant. At least I thought I did. Warmth moved through me as I pictured what was to come. I looked at him for amoment to make sure I was reading it right. He gave me a barely there nod of confirmation.
"Give me a minute.” I held up a finger, then spun away.
Wells was on the pillow where he’d laid claim. He’d become a safety net for me. The constant that helped me rest easy at night. I picked him up, holding him tight to my chest. I could feel my Little side coming forward already.
That’s just how easy it happened now. It wasn’t anything I had to force.
Paxton had moved to the couch like he said he would. He was settled in the corner of it, one arm along the back, his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankle, taking up space with a mix of dominance and an open, welcoming vibe. When he saw me come in with Wells, his whole face lit up.
He didn't say a word about the bear. He just patted the spot beside him.
I eased down, unsure what to do next. He shifted his arm from the back of the couch to land on my shoulders. I felt the weight of it settle over me.
My heart sped up at the connection. It shouldn’t have been this natural. Shouldn’t have been this easy.
Yet I felt like we’d been doing this all along. Like my body was actually meant to settle against his.
I tucked Wells tighter to my chest, sinking deeper into Paxton's side. All the worries of the day fell away. Big me was happy to step back for Little me to take the lead.
"There you are," Paxton said softly. It wasn’t at all what I expected him to say.
"Here I am," I replied, voice smaller than my usual one.
His arm pulled me in even closer, though I wasn’t aware there was room to do so. It felt like I was practically on top of him.
