Page 45 of Set It Right
“I was there that night. Outside.” My heart thudded, and I pressed my hand against my chest. When that didn’t work, when it seemed like it was trying to beat its way out, I stacked my other hand on top. “I couldn’t sleep, and I was having doubts. Cold feet, I guess. I snuck out of my parents’ house and ran to the house Jackson was staying at with his brothers. I thought if I saw him, he’d remind me why we were getting married. He’d calm my nerves, hold me for a while, and I’d be okay. When Igot there, he was out on the porch with Randall and Owen, so I…well, I eavesdropped.”
As I spoke, the pinched muscles in Cormac’s face went slack little by little until understanding struck. Then he jolted like he’d been shocked, his body folding in on itself, chin dropping to his chest.
“He’d texted, asking me to come over for a drink.” He rubbed his cheek, eyes sliding to the side to stare blankly out the window. “They were drunk when I got there, reminiscing about college.”
“When I showed up, you were telling him you were concerned about him. You were trying to talk him out of marrying me, Mac.”
It still hurt. Even if, in hindsight, it would have been a favor if Jackson had listened to him—if he’d stood me up at the altar instead of saying vows he hadn’t meant to keep.
Cormac’s brow furrowed. “I don’t remember the conversation exactly, but I think I said how things were going to be different now, with you two getting married. The brothers thought that was funny. Jackson seemed to think you’d give him free rein, just like in college. He—”
He stopped himself, his worried gaze dragging up to mine.
“Just tell me all of it.”
“It’s not nice,” he said carefully, eyeing me like a wounded bird.
“I need to know.” My hands were balled tight, nails digging into my palms. “I have to, Mac. Say it.”
He tipped his head back, taking a great, deep breath. When he spoke, his words were measured and slow, each one intentional, to cause the least amount of damage. Because that was who he was. That was Mac.
Something I’d let myself forget because it was easier that way.
“I don’t know what he got up to in college. Not anything concrete, at least. There were rumors, but I’d never seen anything myself. If I had, if I’d had any sort of evidence, I would have told you, even if you would’ve hated me after.”
My nails dug in harder. “He was cheating?”
His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. “It’s what I heard. I don’t know for sure, Zara. You know what it was like on that campus. Word traveled and got distorted. I can’t say with confidence he did the things they said, but it wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Okay.” I nodded, blinking back tears. That shouldn’t have been such a sharp jab to the gut. Jackson and I were long over. I’d come to terms with him not being a good man. But…I thought…well, I really hadn’t known. I’d never guessed. I should have. In retrospect, I should have seen it. “I feel pretty dumb for having no idea. He did a lot of things I didn’t like, but I never thought that was one of them.”
“It might have only been rumors,” he said softly.
I shuddered, looking up at him. “But it probably wasn’t. And the night before our wedding, he was bragging to you and his brothers about continuing his college ways?”
“Basically, yeah.” He dragged his fingers through the side of his hair, tucking a lock behind his ear. “I tried, Zara. I thought if I framed my objections as concern for him—thathe’dbe unhappy—he might’ve listened. It was a long shot, but I really did try. It gutted me to think about you being married to a man who didn’t deserve you.”
It took me a long time to find the words I wanted to say. Cormac had flipped everything I thought I knew upside down. How had I gotten things so very mixed up?
“I don’t think I wanted to see it,” I finally said. “I felt like I was losing, and losing, andlosing. I’d already leaned far too heavily on you, so I’d decided to hold on to him as tight as I couldinstead. For a while, he really was good to me. Things hadn’t changed until I was in so deep I couldn’t tell up from down.”
“You had some rough years. I don’t blame you for seeing him like a life raft, but I promise, you never leaned too heavily on me. That was never a thought in my mind.”
“I know that now…I’m not sure I was exactly rational back then.” I blinked at him through wet eyes. “How can you not blame me? After everything…”
He sighed, long and rough. “You were really young, Zara, and you’d been dealt a crappy hand. I would have never have picked Jackson for you, but I could see why he appealed to you back then. He worked to land you and keep you. You got all his time and attention. That had to have felt good.”
“It did. Of course it did.”
“He sure as hell was pleased with himself,” he muttered, an edge of bitterness lacing his words.
“What does that mean?”
His jaw rippled then relaxed. “I think it was like a game to him, winning you. Not that he didn’t have real feelings, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it started.”
“Why am I not surprised? He loved nothing more than winning.” I let my head fall back on the rest. “There must be something about that man for you to have been friends with him…for me to have fallen for him.”
“We weren’t ever friends.”
