Page 97 of In Too Deep
“The nightmares are back.Only now it’s not my brother under the water staring up at me.It’s you.It’s always you.Your face.Your blood on my hands.And I can’t?—”
“So you’re running,” he said quietly.“Just like before.Only this time you are pushing me away because—why?”
She flinched, her whole body jerking back slightly.Her arms tightened across her stomach.“I’m not running.It is a good job opportunity.A job I can succeed at.”
“Then let me join you.”
She shook her head.“You’ll thank me later.You want a life of adventure, and I need calmness.”
“I’m not Andy.”
“What?”
“Andy, who made you feel like you had to change—to fix yourself—to be with him.I love you, Meg.Not who you could be, but who you are.Rough edges and all.Panic attacks and nightmares and the way you freeze when you’re scared.All of it.”
Tears streamed down her face and cut tracks through the exhaustion written in every line of her features.“You said that the canyon became your refuge.Your home.It’s become my nightmare.We don’t work.”
“You’re wrong.I love you and I know you love me.”
“You can’t love someone who falls apart when you need them most.”
He pulled her closer—using strength he didn’t know he had—until their faces were inches apart.Until he could see the gold flecks in her blue eyes.
“I don’t need you to be fixed first.I don’t need you to have your panic attacks under control or your nightmares resolved or your trauma neatly packaged away before I can love you.You froze for a moment.One moment.And then you kept going.”
“You almost died,” she whispered, her breath warm against his face.“And I couldn’t save you.”
“But I didn’t die.”
She shook her head and took a step back, pulling away from his touch like it burned.“I already accepted the job.I think it will be better to start fresh.Clean slate.New life.”
“Don’t do this.Don’t shut me out.”
“I have to go.Goodbye, Noah.”
With that she walked out, her footsteps quick and purposeful.The door whispered shut behind her with a soft pneumatic hiss that sounded like finality.
Everything in Noah wanted to chase after her, to argue with her and tell her over and over that she wasn’t broken.That he loved her just the way she was, panic attacks and nightmares and all.That she was enough.More than enough.
But he couldn’t get out of this stinking bed.
The IV line tethered him, plastic tubing snaking from his arm.The surgical drains collecting fluid from his wound.The monitors with their tangled wires tracking his breaking heart.His body was a prison of pain and weakness.
But even if he could…she hadn’t believed him when he’d said it the first time.Why would she believe now?How did you convince someone to stay when they’d already decided you were better off without them?
He sank back in his pillow, the pain in his chest rolling over him—deeper and more devastating than any physical wound.An ache that wouldn’t respond to morphine or time.He’d pushed her away over and over, believing that somehow if he lost her, it would be less painful if he’d kept his distance, built up walls, and protected himself.
But he’d been wrong.
This hurt more than he could imagine.At least he knew Mary would have chosen to stay if she could.Would have fought to be with him.Would have wanted the future they’d planned.
This was a different sort of pain and darkness.
This was watching someone he loved walk away because they didn’t believe they deserved to be loved.
And being too broken himself to stop her.
The hospital-room door clicked shut behind her, and Meg’s world shattered.
