Page 32 of In Too Deep
“Meggie.Finally.”Her mother’s voice carried that particular blend of warmth and exasperation that only mothers could achieve.
Uh-oh.
“I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.And all three of your siblings said they hadn’t heard from you.”
“Sorry.We had a storm come through.I’ve been busy.”Meg rolled her chair toward her barely-more-than-a-closet office that sat adjacent to the exam room.It was stuffy but she needed the privacy.
“I got your message about a new job?In Pennsylvania?”Of course her mom didn’t waste time.“What’s going on?”
Meg leaned back in the creaky office chair and watched dust motes drift through the afternoon sunlight.“It’s that research position I told you about when I left med school.They got their funding back and offered me the job.It’s actually a really good opportunity.”
“I’m sure it is.”Her mother’s tone suggested she wasn’t buying it.“But I thought you loved where you are.You’ve told me that a dozen times.”
“I do.I did.But…” Meg pinched the bridge of her nose.“It’s complicated.”
“Is this about the panic attacks?”
Meg’s chest tightened.Of course her mom would go there.Mothers always knew.
“They’re getting worse again.This place—every storm, every emergency call—it’s too much.”
“Have you talked to Dr.Sandra?She helped you so much before.”
“I don’t need therapy, Mom.I need a change.Pennsylvania is a lab.Controlled environment.No emergencies.”Her response was more defensive than she intended.
Her mother was quiet for a moment.“Running to something new doesn’t fix what’s broken, sweetheart.”
“I’m not running.”But even as she said it, the words felt hollow.
“Then what would you call leaving a place you love for a job you never wanted?”
“I wanted it.It was the original plan, remember?”
“I know it was the original plan, but I was never convinced you wanted it.You love working with people too much.”
Meg’s throat tightened.“I can’t keep doing this.I can’t keep—” She stopped.The image of Lydia’s face, pale and still, flashed through her mind.Then to an older memory, her father’s gray face, lips turning blue.His hand going limp in hers.“I can’t keep failing people.”
“Oh, Meggie.”Her mother’s voice gentled.“You haven’t failed anyone.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand.Talk to me about what’s really going on.”
But Meg couldn’t.Not yet.Maybe not ever.
The words stuck in her throat like they always did as the memory rose.The dock, splintered wood rough under her knees, Jude’s hands reaching up through the water, small and desperate.Her body frozen while others dove in.Her father gasping for breath on the cabin floor while she tried everything and it wasn’t enough.
And right behind that, another memory.Lydia dying in a cave while Meg’s own panic rendered her useless.
“I just need something different,” Meg said finally.“Somewhere I can help people without…”
Without caring too much.Without loving them.Without the terror of losing them.
“Without what?”
“Without the constant fear that I’m going to freeze when someone needs me most.”
Her mother sighed.“Meggie, the report said that what happened with that teenager wasn’t your fault.”
